My boyfriend and I have been together about four years. We have never really been with anyone else but eachother, we met when we were 16. We lived together all last year, and thats when our relationship started to really change for the worst. He stopped paying as much attention to me, basically stopped trying as much. I felt totally neglected, and we would get in fights over me thinking he is not paying enough attention to me. I am always afraid that he doesn't really want to be with me, and that he is just going to find somone else better, and leave me. I have always been this way toward him, but it has gotten really bad the more and more problems we have. I threaten to break up with him all the time, but don't really mean it. When I am upset over somthing, and I'm trying to tell him how I feel, he seems to find somthing wrong with it every time. How could the way I feel be wrong in any way, its just how it is, theres no right and wrong about it, its just a feeling thats there. So I end up getting really frustrated and threatening to break up. Then later I get mad at myself for doing that. I would never want to lose him, I don't know what i would do without him. This weekend, he went out of town to see his best friend, a few hours away. I wasn't invited, and I guesse I understand why, there was some graduation for his best friends little brother and they didn't get enough tickets or somthing. There are these girls that hang out with his best friend, and they always have to be there when my boyfriend comes. Last night, a bunch of them were camping out, and of coarse, these two girls were there. He called me, and we talked forever, I was crying and upset because I couldn't be there and have fun with him. I felt really left out because I wasn't invited either way. Then at one point, these two girls (one of them likes him), walked up and started hugging on my boyfriend, with me right there on the phone. The girl that likes him was talking like right in the phone, and was like "awwww, why don't you come sit and talk with meeeeee". He was talking back like I wasn't even there, then the two girls started making out right in front of him, I could hear them like they were right in the phone, then my boyfriend hung up on me. He told me that he thought I had hung up,and thats why he did that, but I was obviously still there. He was really upset that I was so sad last night, he was like, "you have nothing to worry about, ohhh don't cry babe, I love you". I could tell it really bothered him that I was upset. He is a really trusting guy, and I know if I can't trust him then I will never trust any guy. He has never cheated on me, but I just get so jealous and posessive it makes me sick to my stomach. Would you be upset over this!? Or am I just being a crazy, posessive girlfriend. I already feel like his friends maybe don't like me anymore, he sais its not true at all. But i feel that "that girlfriend", that is just crazy and everyone wants him to break up with me. I am a good person though! It just hurts me when he goes off without me and has fun, and makes memories with other people, especially other girls, that like him, and I am not there to makes memories with him too. I want US to do things together like camping with friends, but I feel like we don't do stuff like that together really. I feel like he is bored when he is just with me, and only has allot of fun when he is with his friends and I am not there. It hurts me so bad. He even tells me he's bored allot, or I can tell he is, but then he never makes effort for us to do fun stuff together. When I come up with anything, he's like no, I don't wanna do that, or he will but he'll complain that he is bored, but then he'll willingly go do that same thing with his friends and have fun doing it. What am I doing wrong here! I know I am jealouse and posessive, but I just CAN'T help it! Do I have grounds for being upset that he went out and had fun without me, and the whole situation with those girls happened with me on the phone? Oh, and also, he kept repeating outloud what we were talking about. We were arguing and i was upset over this girl, and I feel like he was saying it so that everyone can hear what we were talking about. He swore that knowone could hear him because he was sitting off to the side. Even when I would say, stopp repeating what we are talking about outloud, people can hear and its none of their business. He would then repeat that. I told him its embarrassing and I don't want people to know what we are fighting over. I guesse I am ahsamed that I was so upset over the whole situation, and I also don't want those girls to know that they got to me. He doesn't get that. Maybe I was just being paranoid, but when those girls walked up to him, he told them that I was upset, with me right there on the phone, even after that fact that I he knew I didn't want anyone knowing! Is he just not listening to me when I tell him not to repeat our business, especially to them!? Pleaaaaaaaaaaase help me. I don't think i can ever break up with him, I am just miserable. I didn't sleep last nite until 4 in the morning and woke up at 7. My stomach aches with anxiety so bad that I cannot stand up strait! I was supposed to leave this morning to viset my dad, but I cancelled because I am so sick with anxiety that I don't even want to go. I am mad that my boyfriend is spending the whole entire memorial weekend with his friends, and these girls. He is not coming back until Monday morning, and he left Friday night. I feel like we should do stuff together on holiday, wether its with other people or not. We are supposed to be partners, we aren't supposed to have these separate lives! I probably am making a bigger issue out of this than it is, but I can't help how I feel. What do you think?
Responses to this article:
--- Tuesday, June 22, 2004 -
Answer by: Crytstal
I almost starting crying when I read your story. I felt like I was reading something wrote totally about me. I am in the SAME situation, exactly. Moving in together ruined me and my mans relationship. He used to be my best friend and now we barely even talk. I love him more than life itself. Everyone think I should leave him but I just couldn't imagine life without him. My whole life is him. Please e-mail I'd like to talk. crystal_quirin@yahoo.com
--- Monday, May 31, 2004 -
Answer by: Dr. Phil wannabe
Well -- I'd have to agree with ArmyPrincess, considering this guy's behavior... something definitely doesn't sound right in the least bit. WHY weren't you invited? WHY did he diss you while he was talking to you on the phone by voicing to those other girls and anyone else by repeating what you were saying? This guy sounds like a real loser, sorry. I honestly say that he is probably cheating on you. Think about it: You weren't invited, apparently this was planned, because how many people do you know spontaneously go camping for memorial day weekend, and his best friend JUST HAPPENED to not inform your boyfriend that these girls were coming along?!? I mean, think about it! K, nobody can really tell you for sure what happened, but considering how disrespectful and sneaky and AMAZINGLY inconsiderate this guy's behavior is, he's definitely up to something. What, does he think you're stupid? Because apparently he doesn't think you'd leave him for anything. Nobody, and I mean NOBODY should ever put you through this kind of stress in a relationship. If he cared about you, heh, let alone loved you -- he wouldn't have done so many wrong doings in just a couple hours, even. It's ultimately your choice K, but this guy is a real (bad word).
--- Monday, May 31, 2004 -
Answer by:
I don't know the whole story, so I don't know if he is cheating on you. People can have friends of the opposite sex that are just friends, though it does sound like these girls were coming on to him, but he can't help that, and he did call you and talk to you for a long time. I know I would be upset about this too, but that does not mean that he cheated. He could have been sad and missing you and pining for you the whole time for all we know.
I think the real issue here is that you might be too wrapped up in your boyfriend. It sounds like he is the center of your universe. Of course you are afraid of him leaving you, and you can't leave him, because you would have no life apart from him. No one is ever going to be able to satisfy 100% of our emotional needs and it is unfair to expect them to do that and to put pressure on them to do that. It sounds like he is acting like a normal boyfriend, he called you from his trip, told you he loved you, he obviously cares about you, etc., and you say he trusts you and he has never cheated on you. These are good signs. However, no matter who you are with, there are ALWAYS going to be times when they are going to be with their friends without you, and they are going to have fun without you there. What you have to do is to figure out how you can stop feeling so threatened by this. Honestly, it sounds to me like you might have a lot of insecurities and a problem with low self-esteem. You are going to need to work on this in yourself before you can be happy in any relationship. I have a feeling there is nothing your boyfriend can say or do that will convince you he loves you. I'm not saying he doesn't love you, I'm sure he does, but your insecurities and low self-esteem stop you from being able to see it. So, first thing to do, see a counselor to talk about your self-esteem problem. There are non-profit counseling centers that charge hardly anything. Secondly, get involved in things that don't involve your boyfriend, make other friends or get some hobbies. That way, when your boyfriend is with his friends, you will have something to do. And you won't feel anymore as if you have to desperately cling to him like a liferaft, because you will know that even if you and he did break up, you will still have friends and people to do things with and things to do to have fun. Good luck.
--- Sunday, May 30, 2004 -
Answer by: ArmyPrincess
First, STOP blaming yourself for all of this. You are doing nothing wrong here. After reading your entire post I'll tell you that you DO have a right to feel angry and upset. You are NOT being controlling and crazy, it's quite the opposite really. LISTEN to those feelings of yours, listen to that intuition. You know that this is wrong. You know what your boyfriend is doing to you is completely wrong and disrespectful. I really hate to tell you this, but the writing is on the wall. There is something definitely up and I think he didn't invite you along on this camping trip because he KNEW those girls were going to be there. In a way, he is already cheating on you. You are in denial and I know you don't want to accept that he's cheating, but comeon and think about it. He's with his best bud with two chicks? Wake up, honey! You are seriously better off without this stress. There are better guys out there and I think you'll be happier without him. His behavior is driving you crazy and he KNOWS this, yet it continues.
Break up with him. It's only going to continue, he's not going to change, and you certainly deserve better than this crap. Don't let him walk all over you anymore, he's treating you like a doormat. You're stronger than this. He's a jerk. Dump him.
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