My boyfriend Ben, who is eight years my senior, is a great guy.... when he wants to be. I really need someone who shows me how much they love me all the time (not ALL the time, but most of it). I love it when someone does something for me without me even asking or because they were just thinking about me. Ben is very selfish. He is self-centered and can be very distant. He sleeps alot, works very little and spends most of his free time laying on my bed watching TV and eating. Once a month he might get me a rose. He takes me out to dinner about once a week, maybe less sometimes. And he expects that to be enough. He thinks that he did ONLY the minimum, and he believes I shouldn't need any more than that. He used to be great about caring about me, showing that he cared. He was very romantic. We have been together for nine months now, and it has been a rollercoaster. The first four or five months he sucked. I do not know why I held on to him, but then all of a sudden a few months ago, he began taking to heart all the things i said about wanting to FEEL appreciated and feel loved and really feel like I was the one he wanted to be with. For two months that was how it was.... WONDERFUL!!! But then about a month and a half ago, things went back to, almost, as bad as they had been before. And that is where it lays right now. There is no more for me to do. I love him, and I'm sticking with him for now because I have seen who he really is, and how he can really act (amazing) and I just want to find that person again, i loved that person, and I was very happy with that person. I need help to figure out how i can make him see how much he means to me and make him understand that him doing great things for me puts me in a good mood and makes me want to do great things for him. Can anyone help me?
Responses to this article:
--- Tuesday, June 29, 2004 - You guys are WONDERFUL... not
Answer by: Hayley
First of all... I never got the honeymoon faze in the beginning of our relationship, Miss Enigma and i do not need gifts. I never said he had to be doing something for me EVERY SECOND OF THE DAY!!! "Dr. Phil" mmm right, okay, all i have ever done for him is be there and give him things whenever i think of him, and show him that he means the world to me. I ask him, when he does not seem to be on top of his game, if things are okay. Taking me out to eat every week for 20 or 30 minutes isnt exactly what i would call a meaningfull relationship... do you even HAVE a girlfriend or boyfriend (I do not know your sexual preference nor your sex)?? And BabyGurl, I think you need to raise your standards, thats what your problem is. I expect more from someone when I give them more. Sorry I expect alot from people. I am a good person and deserve to be treated well. So thanks guys, for nothing... This really isnt a good site for people with problems, cuz all they get from dumb readers is getting bashed on. So thanks, really helped there. this site sucks.
--- Saturday, June 26, 2004 -
Answer by: Baby*Gurl
Well, I understand completely where ur coming from, cuz me and my bf also have been together for 9 months, and he seems alittle distant...
But back to u, well, u want ur bf to shower u in love and affection and give u all the things u want without u tellin him what that is, but i have to ask, do u treat him the way that u want him to treat u?
Also, his distance may not have nething to do with ur relationship, he could have other problems, such as problems with a family member or friends, or nething could be going on, and he may not want to open up to u, u have to understand that guys are not like girls when it comes to sharing feelings... i dont know why, but they wont open up and tell u what they're feeling, i know ppl who have been together for 10 years and the guy still doesnt open up, i guess they jus like to have sumthin they can hide from us, they're gf's, and they're feelings are the only thing we cant pry out of them...
But how to handle it,... dont pester him with questions, jus tell him every now and then that if he ever has nething that he wants to tell u or talk about, ur there to hear it,... and try and see if u cant make him alittle more comfortable with u...
And now, u want everything from ur bf, but we gurls all have to remember that life isnt, ... like a relationship from a movie, its much more than that, and love isnt always paradise, u cant always expect ur guy to do sweet things for u ALL THE TIME,... u said that he takes u out and that he buys u a rose like once a month? well thats more than what my bf does, so u should be happy he even does that much... and also u should be happy that this guy is who he is, i mean, at least he's not out cheating on u and lying to u and coming home and beating u, see ur lookin at all the things u dont have, but if u want to be happy with ur relationship, then u should be lookin at all the things u have...
--- Friday, June 25, 2004 -
Answer by: Dr. Phil wannabe
Everyone wants to feel special at times, and I understand that you want your boyfriend to cherish you. However, Hayley -- you need to be more realistic. You want a man to show you affection most of the time? Ok, well in what way? Shower you with gifts? There are many ways a man can show a woman he cares -- be it caring for her when she is ill, showing you in subtle ways that he loves you, like kisses here or there and a big hug, or nice compliments. There are many other examples. A lot of women expect a bed of roses still after the "honeymoon phase" wears off... but love won't always be butterflies and sweaty palms --it grows and evolves into a comfortable and more secure love. That sort of love is the best and the kind that lasts. Ben brings you a rose on occasion and takes you out to eat once a week -- that's a helluva lot more than a lot of women get from their men. Appreciate what he does for you. It just seems to me that in a way, you are taking for granted what he DOES do for you, and that HE doesn't feel appreciated. What do you do for HIM? Do you gripe to him a lot? Men don't like that, men like to be encouraged with praise when they DO something for you. Show him more appreciation for what he does do for you, and he will keep doing it. Tell him, "Oh, I love it when you do that for me, you make me so happy!" When a man hears that, they feel like they've "won" you over, and they WANT to do it again, and KEEP doing it. Don't get me wrong, he also needs to put in the effort for you as well. Let him know in a nice way that you'd like some more romance. As Enigma points out, a little more info would be more helpful, but I gave my two cents anyhow. Goodluck.
--- Friday, June 25, 2004 -
Answer by: Enigma
Hayley,
How old exactly are you and Ben? The two of you live together?
I'm curious why he doesn't work very often?
More background on the two of you would be very helpful here...
Based upon what i've read in your article, you're saying that you don't think Ben does enough for you or buys you enough... the two of you have been together for awhile Hayley... and while i'm not saying that it's okay for Ben to just get lax in showing you he cares for you... do you also understand that the "honeymoon" phase doesn't last forever... and that it is unreasonable to feel that someone NEEDS to be doing something for you 24/7 to show thier affection...
Again, more back ground on this relationship would be helpful...
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