I've had a problem with my friend for years. MANY years. I've known a girl since nursery school and we became close friends in school and school around 2nd grade. We've been best friends since then, but I've had my share of other friends and a few other friends I'd consider "best".
She and I have some serious issues. She has always called me, year after year after year, to talk about ANYTHING and EVERYTHING. ALl her boy problems, friend problems, family fights, soccer problems... ANYTHING, the way it should be with friends and I am always 100% attentive and caring with whatever she has to say to me. Yet, our friendship always seems to be one-sided. Many people don't like this friend of mine, not because she's a bad person but because she's very showy and likes to flaunt herself and get attention. I feel that many times our friendship is more of a competition to her. Maybe the only way to fully explain our friendship is to give some examples.
Once, in the 8th GRADE (and I know I should let things that happened in the past go... however, similar things keep happening to this day!) she and I were discussing who our dates could be for our 8th grade formal. We both talked about different people and she finally declared "I really want a boyfriend!! Can you help me?" and I said "Yeah sure, but I want one too... you have to help me!" and she said, "Ok, I'll help you after you help me..."
Another time in high school we were discussing boys again and she was going on and on about the 10 different guys who flirted with her that day. I finally decided to butt in and say, "Joe said I looked really pretty today and he was really flirty!" simply because I was sick of hearing her daily diatribe about how everyone loved her, and I assumed that maybe she could share in my short moment of flattery. She responded to me by saying, "Oh, don't WORRY about that. He does that to ME all the time!" I was not worried about Joe flattering me. Neither of us really liked Joe as anything more as a friend but I felt as if she had immediately put me down as if to say "Well he's NOT interested in you, usually he's ALWAYS complimenting me!"
ANOTHER time I had been becoming increasingly interested in this boy Brian. At first, it started out that he started speaking to me online and his friend started speaking to me online telling me what a great guy Brian was, etc. So during a phone call I confided in my friend that Brian might like me or something. She responded to that by saying, "Brian? Oh... well I don't know. Don't get your hopes up or anything." Anyway, a few weeks later Brian and I were closer to becoming an item. He and I were talking together after school when suddenly my friend ran up to us, positioned herself nicely in front of him in her sports bra (which she loves to flounce around in) and began shamelessly flirting with him, talking about her muscles and his muscles and asking to try on his glasses, giggling, the whole works. Then she ran off somewhere else. Brian was not in the least bit interested in her show, but I was very upset at her basically ignoring me and pouring her attention all on Brian, who was practically my boyfriend.
She never seems to have a positive word for me either. When we go shopping she constantly acts strange in stores. I'll be looking at clothes asking for her opinion and she seemed to be completely spaced out in another zone, looking at the other people in the store (the guys) and then later claiming they were all checking out her ass (I don't know how she would really know). When I like someone and I confide in her about it she gives me "Yeah? That's nice" and a look that says "Umm... yeah OK not like you could EVER be with that guy or that he would EVER have the least bit of interest in you!"
She always calls me baby or mama, or sweetheart, or hunny. She talks DOWN to me as if I were a child. Ex: "AWWW BABY YOU'RE SOOOO CUTE!" in an extremely loud voice in a group of people. Is she just trying to get attention for herself?
I'd really like to say something to this girl. She constantly says how we're best friends and that I'm her bestest friend in the whole world... and I do feel that I am her best friend because she CAN tell me anything and I'll always help her... but I really don't feel her as being MY best friend because she never seems to want to listen, makes out everything as a competition, and never seems to view me as her equal.
I REALLY could use some help and I'd appreciate any that anyone has to give!!! Thanks.
Responses to this article:
--- Wednesday, July 28, 2004 -
Answer by: Sam
I agree with everything Enigma said. I was thinking the same thing reading your post, Dima -- she sounds like she has very low self-esteem.
Since you listen to her all the time, ask her to listen to you. Let her know how you feel when she treats you badly. Tell her that it hurts you. Assert yourself. You have been a great friend to her all these years and she needs to be a friend to you in return.
Tell her how you feel, Dima.
--- Tuesday, July 27, 2004 -
Answer by: Enigma
Dima,
Well... from what you've described in isn't a wonder you're feeling emotionally wore out with this girl.
I've found that people that behave in the manner you've described your friend are really people with a low self esteem... as hard as that is to understand the way they go on and on about themselves... it is because they are constantly looking for reassurance that they are wonderful ect.
HOWEVER this kind of friendship can be very toxic... for all of the reasons you've explained... instead of picking you up, they leave you feeling let down... instead of supporting your dreams they play on your fears... this isn't okay.
Because it seems that you don't want to loose her as a friend or to make her feel badly about herself (and that really shows what a awesome person and friend you are) talk to her gently... but firmly.
Let her know that you think she is an awesome person... that there are qualities about her that you really like or admire... but also let her know that when she does X-Y-Z it bothers you. Let her know that when she says things to you like "he wouldn't be interested in you" or "don't get your hopes up" that it makes you feel badly.
Tell her you don't like her calling you baby or hunny... that to you it feels like she is talking down to you and you don't like it. Make her aware of how her behaviour makes you feel Dima.
Try to keep in mind that she is a insecure person... but keep in mind as well that you don't have to put up with toxic behaviour that makes YOU feel badly... it is NEVER okay to put someone else down all in the effort to make yourself feel better.
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