Title: Emma, please Im so desperate; its Andres

By:

Hi Emma. I am really confuse right now, and I dont know what to do. Well let me start off from after I got back from Orlando.

The week after my trip to Orlando I went to Chile with my famliy. I was lost in my thoughts the whole time. I got back and I was planning on calling Missy the week after. I was too afraid to hear that she only saw me as a friend, so I wimped out. So instead I wrote her a letter, and I sent her some pictures from my trip. In the letter I told her that I thought she was “absolutely beautiful”. My step dad had already planned another cruise. In fact the same ship that Missy and I met on, and for labor Day weekend, which was the same time that we met. It was pretty cool. I told her that in the letter as well. The letter pretty much said how I was happy to see her again, and how my trip to Chile was. I sent it out on Wednesday.

On Sunday, I called her up. Her mother answered and was glad to hear from me. “Is Missy there?” “yeah, hang on.” This was the conversation:

Her- Hello?

Me-Hey

Her-Hey

Me How was the rest of your time in Orlando?

Her-pretty good, we stayed in the hotel most of the time. We went back to Disneyworld..but yeah we had fun. So you had fun in Chile?

Me- Yeah

Her-yeah, I just got your letter today, I just came back from my dads house.

So we talked a little about my trip. we got into movies we saw recently, and books we had read. A little while after, I said to her, “Oh, remember before we left, when I gave you that folded piece of paper?” This was the paper that contained that poem.

Her-yeah

Me-did you read it?

Her-yeah

Me-what did you think of it?

Her- It was cute. Dont worry, I didnt throw it away or anything, I still have it. I kept it. Some of the words were kind of big, so it was a little hard to understand.

The way she said this to me seemed like she was implying, “Dont worry, just because I only see you as a friend, doesnt mean I was gonna throw it away.” When she said “it was cute”, I think her voice hesitated a little, in a bad way. As though she didnt want to say anything to hurt my feelings, so she just had to say something nice.

A while after, I started telling her how my step dad had planned the cruise. She said to me,

“yeah, I know, I was like woah. Thats pretty funny. Maybe youll meet another girl there that looks like me or something.” I had no idea what she meant by this. I wanted to ask her how she felt about me, but I was too afraid to find out. I was getting the feeling that she only saw me as a friend.

I told her again that I couldnt believe how much she had changed, and she told me that she thought I had changed a lot too. That I looked taller. She liked the pictures that I sent her.

“Who knows when we’ll see each other again.” I said to her. “yeah. Well, maybe in the future like when we’re older. By then we will have changed a lot.”

Well we talked a little more about college and stuff. She told me that she will probably end up going to a community college in NH. I of course wanted to go where she was going, but I just didnt know what to do now. She didnt say anything about us attending college together, I guess she thinks that maybe we wont end up going to the same school together. She was telling me that if I wanted to go out of state to become a lawyer, that I should go to New York.

We talked about various things, like our teachers from the past. I told her about my experience in first grade, how I cried on my first day. She said, “awww thats cute.”

But in the end it seemed to be like a conversation just between 2 friends. I had to go then. I was at my fathers house when I called. Later that night, when I got to my moms house, I got online. MIssy was on. I said to her, “Hey” and she replied with “Hi”. I told her “I just got back to my moms” and she didnt reply. She remained online until about 11:30 pm, without typing another word to me.

I have the worst feeling that she only sees me as a friend.

I am trying to sort things out but it just seems too hard.

Well first of all, she is planning to go to a community college. She wants to be a nurse, so she intends on going to get her associates degree, and then probably attend a university afterwards, while working. Now, I intend on becoming a lawyer, I could care less where I went to go and study. The thing is my step father wants me to go to the top schools. I really dont care. I want to go to where Missy goes, and if she attends a community college, then I guess I want to go there too. Except that would completely disappoint my step father, and I think he would object to it. I also think it would turn Missy off if she saw that I was really desparate just to go to the same school with her. She isnt quite sure yet whether shell attend the community college, or whether shell go to the university instead. But she says the community college is cheaper so it would be more convenient for her.

The way I tried to plan it out was as follows: I would attend the community college with her, get my associates, go to the same university as her. Then I would go to Law school. I am a smart student, so I believe getting into these schools should be the least of my problems. The thing is my step father is the one who is going to pay for my college, and he wants me to do the best. To attend the best. And I really dont feel comfortable at all talking to him about all my love troubles. I think he would just see right through it, and tell me I was crazy or something, or what I was thinking was stupid.
My parents have told me before that I shouldnt go to a college just because she was going there because I never know what might happen, yet that is a risk I am willing to take.

Meanwhile, Missy hasnt said anything about us going to school together, and I feel that she just doesnt see anything at all happening between us and that she really only sees me as a friend, nothing more. I mean, I dont know if it could be me or if it is just the distance which contributes to her decision to just place me on the friendship level. And then she probably still believes that we dont know each other too well for her to confirm her own feelings. I have always been very good to her, and she likes nice guys. If it is just the distance, then there is possibilty that in the future, when we(if we) get together, that a relationship may bloom. And if it is me, maybe after a few years, she will think that I have changed or something of that sort, and when we meet up we would get the chance to see if we like who we are when we are together, and know what kind of person the other is on a day to day basis. Then again, I dont know if its the way I look either, because I dont consider myself to be the greatest looking of guys, and Im just not sure how shallow and superficial she is. I know she looks on the inside, but I dont know how much she emphasizes on appearance. But high school is like one big fashion show. I do believe that after high school, emphasis from the persons appearance is less, and personality a lot more.

Yet I feel that throughout high school I will be missing out on so much that I wish I could do with her. If she did like me, maybe we could arrange something somehow so that we may be eachothers prom date. I wish I didnt have to miss out on prom with her, and she will most likely end up going with some other guy, which will make my jealousy arise. Day after day, I keep thinking to myself "shes gonna have another boyfriend eventually, and I will be deppressed all over again." And I constantly fear that she may find someone who will provide her with all the love and care that one can give, but I feel that I can give her all this love, that I can provide her with a life time full of happiness. The happiness in which only an angel such as herself deserves. And I fear how close she may get with her boyfriends, whether she will become intimate with them and what not.

Then at times I feel like I wish I never met her, that I didnt have to go through all of this pain and suffering. And sometimes I just wish I could get over her and accept her as only a friend. But I just cant do that, and I feel the only way to get over all of this is to lose contact with her completely. She is always in my thoughts, from day to night. But I know I would only feel worse if I let her go altogether. I would cry, because I wont know how she is anymore, I wont be able to hear that beautiful voice of hers, and the possibilty of me seeing her gorgeous eyes, that wonderful smile, all of her beauty once more, would diminish, and it would be a decision I know I would regret. Because I would never want to lose her as a friend, and have her out of my life. She made me realize who I wanted to be in life, and what I wanted to do with my life. Yet she doesnt know. And I love her for all of this. I cant stop loving her, yet I cant let her go.

So my question to you is do you see any possibility for us in the future? I need to renew my confidence, for every last inch of hope that I once had is no longer present. I am desperate, and I feel that I have nothing to live for if I cant be with my one true love. I know these are very strong words for a 16 year old, but age is just a number. MIssy has allowed me to mature from a young boy into the man I am on the inside. I have seen Missys inner beauty, and all of her grace. She is the only one I want to be with, no one else. When I met her I just had the feeling we were meant to be together, and ever since then I have felt the same. Its just that now, as time continues to flow, my dreams of being able to hold her in my arms, caress her, to be the only one for her, seem to grow farther from my reach. I am obviously aware of the distance between us, but I can see right through these walls. The distance is nothing to me. I just feel so hopeless right now.
Whichever way I turn, there seems to be some sort of obstacle in my path keeping me from being with her, whether it is my step father, or how she feels for me now.

So please, I just want to know how you see this situation, and if you see any shred of hope left for me. I am beginning to believe that the only reason she hugged me for so long on the first night of my trip to Orlando was because she was happy to see me. Now, I feel the reason she was so distant from me the next day was because she was trying to tell me, without words, "we can only be friends." I just need to see some possibility, some chance that we may be together.

I am so sorry it was so long, but I just needed to pour out all of my thoughts. Thank you in advance.

Andres

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Monday, July 26, 2004 -
Answer by: Sam

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Monday, July 26, 2004 -
Answer by: Emma

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Monday, July 26, 2004 - Re: Desperate
Answer by: Guy

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Monday, July 26, 2004 - Re: Desperate
Answer by: Guy