I'm just about to go away to college and I'm excited to meet lots of new people, learn new things, etc. However, I've some to realize I have a hard time feeling like people actually enjoy talking to me, want me to call them, or even have serious feelings for me.
I feel like I've missed out on some potentially great friendships simply because I continued to tell myself the other person was just being nice to me and that they weren't really interested in being my friend. At first I used to tell myself that I was just a crappy person who was uninteresting and thats why most people stopped calling me after a while, etc. Now I realize I hold a HUGE part of the "blame". Sometimes I would avoid phone calls when I knew a friend was calling to hang out... for some reason I just seemed to have anxiety about it. Even when I'd make plans with my friends to go somewhere I always had a feeling that they would cancel out on me at the last minute or just ignore me. I'd made plans with people saying I would call them and then I would never call because I felt that they were just being nice, and probably had better things to do.
I have the same problem with guys. I end up in relationships with people because I feel like I SHOULD like them because they say they like me. Most of the time I don't have true feelings for these guys, and end up hurting them. I end up being infatuated with guys I can't have (they live far away and I barely know them, for instance). I think I end up "pretending" i have feelings for these guys because I make up what I think they might be like if I saw them constantly. When someone is interested in me, even if I feel the same interest, I start to get anxious about the situation. I feel nervous that they just want to hook-up or may just want sex in the long run- even though it has been my choice to abstain from sex until marriage. These worries ruin any chance I have for new relationships with guys because I see the worst right from the beginning.
I don't know why I have these anxious feelings. I feel slightly better in that I realize that I need to get past my initial worries and have more self esteem in order to build and maintain friendships and relationships. If anyone could PLEASE offer me any advice for making myself feel as if I have more worth, or even if anyone feels that they just can relate to the feelings I've had... I would really appreciate any comments.
Thanks.
Responses to this article:
--- Sunday, August 1, 2004 - Been there
Answer by: Emma
Dima, I've been there - I'll be perfectly honest with you...
It's that often painful low self-esteem which causes us not to live life to the full, not to experience the things which other people are experiencing, not to feel loved so easily as it is for other people. All of this leads to loneliness and yes, I've been there. People don't understand & the longer things go on that way the more set these thoughts are in your mind & the more difficult the cycle is to break free from...
As for the 'avoiding phone calls from friends' bit - I've done that too. It's like you're so wrapped up in a world of negative thought that any ounce of worth which once existed has long evaporated. Avoidance tactics is something I've read about - where a person does there absolute utmost to get out of or to escape potentially anxious or highly stressful situations because they have grown to hate those situations by the way they always feel when they find themselves in them.
It's the way you think. Is Christ an active part of your life? If He isn't because you've not been guided (by parents) to take the right path or because of a gradual disintegration of faith - it's okay, just don't ever consider it as a 'closed door' in your life. I find that one acquires immense relief & solace from attending Church, by knowing they are loved by the Lord for who they are. It's good for your mental & physical well-being. You know, no matter how much crap people here on Earth throw at you - it'll never compare to the sacrifice that Jesus made for your sins. He died for us because He loves each & every one of us. Think about Christianity, you can become part of it & I assure you, soon after, you'll realise your worth & defy Satan's attempt at making you think you are not worthy of anything that the Lord provides - love, being part of society & being accepted as the beautiful, unique person you are.
Only when you are at peace with the Lord & yourself will you truly be able to enjoy the relationships (friendship & romantic) which others take for granted & which you crave. Love yourself Dima & don't ever beat yourself up again - there are plenty of people who'll be more than willing you do that for you.
Rest assured that the Lord loves you & that he is ALWAYS there for you, he's the best friend you'll ever have & even when you feel like the loneliness person in the World you'll still have Him; He'll never turn his back on you. You just need to strengthen your faith - take time out to pray, read scriptures & really learn what it means to be granted the gift of life. You have so much to live for Dima, so much to offer some lucky guy who's waiting out there - this is just a bad phase of your life which WILL pass...
Take it day by day. Do the things that YOU enjoy, hobbies & such like. Choose people to talk to who YOU want to have a conversation with. Don't wait for people to approach you - as you know to your cost, they may not be the people you want to spend time with. Take time to build friendships just don't rely too much on any one person.
As for guys, get to know someone who fits what you're looking for. Don't just take anything that's offered & have the courage to say No should some jerk come along & show interest. Be choosy, you have the right to. The right guy will come along & when you find him, you'll realise that he's been worth the wait.
You don't need counselling Dima, you are strong enough to get out of this world of low self-esteem & you will, one day, have the confidence to live the way YOU want to live. Cut ties with people who don't interest you & don't be anyone's charity case.
You have the right thought path to conquer your anxieties & going to college is a big chance at putting at least a few things right in your life. Join societies & clubs which cater for people who have similar interests - get involved & don't sit on the sidelines.
The Chaplaincy was always a beautiful time out place where I could gather my thoughts & ask for strength to make it through a tough day. Never compromise your beliefs for anyone - you say you're going to save your virginity until marriage, me too, & that's cool :) It's the way it should be & the Lord is happy that you have made this conscious decision. He wants to help you, you just have to ask Him.
Dima, I am your friend & if you ever need to vent any problems out here again I'm always happy to add my input & offer you some support. Whilst we all need friends, we must be selective for our own well being. Take little steps at first, do things you wouldn't normally do & don't give a rat's arse what people think or say about you - they sure can screw up a person's life up with very little effort!
One day at a time Dima, you'll get there; I promise :) I've got faith in you to turn your life around, good luck with college - take advantage of any opportunity tha comes your way & don't listen to that voice in your head which tries to put you down or says there's no way YOU could do this because, like mine, it was talking crap :) You CAN & WILL do anything you put your mind to, just be brave!
Good luck!
--- Saturday, July 31, 2004 -
Answer by: Enigma
Dima,
I'm curious if your parents are still married?
Because you're so young, I would venture to guess that at some point someone important to you said or did something that made you feel unimportant and unsure of yourself.
I know from your other post, you seem to get involved in relationships or friendships that are some what toxic... with people who make you feel not so great about yourself...
You need to find people who make you feel great Dima, people who don't bring you down, or make you question your self worth...
As you've said, you are going to be going to college soon... this is a great time to really discover who you are.. give people a chance to get to know you....
Don't live in fear of possible rejection Dima... know that you are a wonderful, smart, beautiful girl and are very capable of being a great friend, and awesome girlfriend.
Good Luck
--- Saturday, July 31, 2004 - See a counselor
Answer by: Gregg
I would suggest that you see a professional counselor to help you work through these issues.
--- Friday, July 30, 2004 - Re: has anyone...
Answer by: Guy
Hmmm..........I really don't know how to help you out here. Maybe you should go talk to psychitrist (i know its not spelled that way). Or maybe a close relative. Perhaps one of the better responders such as Dr. Phil (forget his changed names) or Emma, or Enigma, could help you. I really don't know how to help in this area besides just say "stop thinking that way" lol. Best of Luck.
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