Well, for the past 3 or 4 weeks Missy and I didnt speak to each other. I was beginning to get the feeling that she was trying to ignore me, she never called or anything, and it felt like I was the only one working on this relationship. When I was online she wouldnt talk to me or anything. I was becoming paranoid and I felt I needed to say something. It really did hurt me a lot to feel that she was avoiding me and I began to believe that she really was. So about a week and a half ago, I sent her the following email-
"Missy its Andres.
It is important that I speak to you. It concerns our friendship. Lately I have been getting the feeling that you are purposely neglecting me. And for what reason, I have no idea. I realize that I am the only one that is keeping this friendship alive. I am the only one who ever calls, and it seems that you are making no effort to even keep in contact with me.
I understand that you may not feel the same way I do about you, but either way, we are friends nonetheless. I really feel that you are trying to avoid me, and it really hurts me. I have been through a tremendous emotional rollercoaster. Its one thing if you dont share the same feelings, but just getting the feeling that you are ignoring me is like going through Hell. I just want you to be honest with me and tell me how you feel. But lets put aside the fact that I love you. I need to know how it is exactly that you feel about me, whether you are uncomfortable with me or whatever the case is. I really value our friendship, and that is something I would never want to lose. I am just hoping that you are willing to go on as friends. I have become vey pessimistic lately, not to mention paranoid, and I am hoping that I am wrong about all this, that it isnt really as it seems. If I am wrong, just know that I am concerned about our friendship.
I would much rather prefer to talk about this with you over the phone, but I feel I can better express myself through my writing. If our friendship means anything to you, please respond to this.
Andres"
I really think I came out way too strong, but I needed her to know what I was going through. The whole week went by, and no reply. I was giving her the week to answer, but she never did. I didnt know whether it was because she just didnt want to respond or whether she just hadnt checked her email. Either way, last Friday, I texted her cell, and told her we needed to talk. She replied and asked me what was up and what I needed to talk about. I told her it concerned our friendship but that I couldnt talk right at that moment, so I asked if we could talk this weekend. She replied, "um sure but that was very random I must tell u."
So on Sunday, I called her up but her step father told me she was at work. I was hoping she'd call me back, but she never did. Well, just yesterday, I started school again. When I got home, I got an email from Missy in response to the one I had sent her. It was as follows:
"Andres, Im sorry to say this but you are really over reacting. Im sorry if i dont call you and make it seem like i dont have much effort but lately i have been very busy with work, Driver's Ed, cheerleading tryouts coming up, and not to mention i would like to be able to sleep. I've been very stressed out and the last thing i need is someone saying that im not being a good friend. Im sorry if i have made u feel as if i dont like you or dont want to be ur friend but i do and i think that i just gave off the wrong impression or u took it the wrong way either way there has been a missunderstanding somewhere in the process. Your right i dont feel the same way about u as u do about me and thats obvious. NO i am not trying to avoid you. i have never been the kind of person to call other people and make the first attempt maybe thats not a good quality of mine but thats just the way i am. i dont like to call people i never have so dont take it personally ok?! You need to Chill out and just relax because if your so worried about if we are really friends then thats not a true friend. thank you for bringing ur feelings to my attention i had no idea that u felt this way and im sorry that u did but i think u just have been thinking about it way too much... BREATH its ok! Ill talk to you later and maybe you'll feel better by then ok ... bye Missy"
So it was clear. Finished. She didnt feel the way I did. Only as a friend, like always. She wasnt neglecting me, that was good, but I feared that this incident may have damaged our friendship a little bit. I needed to speak with her, fix things up, tell her I was sorry for acting like that, and that it was stupid of me to think that way about her. She wasnt that kind of person, and I shouldnt have ever doubted it. I felt guilty for reacting in this manner. I had always loved her, loved her as a friend, and had always stayed true to her as a friend. I was really a true friend to her, I just needed to reconcile everything with her.
I know now that all I can do is remain friends with her. I feel I will always love her but things just didnt turn out the way I hoped they would. Maybe by some off chance, the future will be open to us, but for now there is nothing I can do. And I finally accept that.
But for now, I am only concerned about fixing up the damage I have caused. I really feel like an idiot for acting this way, and I just want our friendship to continue the way it used to, where there was no tension, because i feel there will be the next time I speak to her; where we can share laughs and just rebuild our friendship. It feels that little by little she is fading from my life, and I have to prevent that. I just dont know where to begin. Do u have any advice on what I should say to her, how I should tell her Im sorry? I just dont want to sound like a fool when i speak to her. I just want to get past this and put it behind me.
Thank you in advance
Andres
Responses to this article:
--- Wednesday, August 18, 2004 -
Answer by: Emma
Andres - how old are you again? It seems unreal that you're not in your twenties (or older) with the actions you choose to take combined with such a mature outlook on relationships...
(Sorry Sam – I've been kinda busy with work :) Hope you're doing okay)
Ya know time & time again I feel myself inclined to repeat how Missy is really missing out on something by not seeing how sweet a guy you are & that's a real shame... oh, if only I were a few years younger ;)
SO SO SO many things to say to you Andres, so many words of reassurance to offer - where to start?! Hmmmm... first off, you shouldn't be feeling like an idiot. Despite what you & Missy might think - I don't think your email was OTT - honestly, you did 'the right thing' by condensing your feelings & thoughts into your best communication medium - writing; the strength of your feelings came across well, as did your concern about keeping the friendship alive. It wasn't an 'ultimatum' (which others might have delivered) – it was a letter of concern and you couldn't have put things better, it's preferable not to over analyse anyhow – pouring out your feelings in such a situation is always the best thing to do - to analyse every line is not since then it's no longer from the heart; it's what you think the other person wants to hear...
Where to go from here... well you're clearly in acceptance of her feelings & understand that your love isn't requited - that's the most important thing, don't you see? If you were still holding a burning flame aloft for her I'd need to tell you to accept all that has been, to move on, to try to forget her - yada yada... but you know all that already. That's half the battle won I believe... I know it's hard but you've reached that 'understanding' where you know that things'll go no further... that's the worst part over.
Inevitably things may be awkward but I wouldn't slip into feeling foolish & pathetic for having asked her how she felt about you - you had to do it - living in limbo should never be a realistic option – blissfully living in Fool's Paradise & all... So you must accept this also, that things will be different. Be cautious though – don't feel that you need to over-compensate & don't play down how maturely you've dealt with EVERYTHING - it'd be easy to dwell on the things that you've said... but like you say, you need to put all of this behind you for good.
The things you said gave her the opportunity to tell you if she had even the faintest feelings for you - beyond those shared in a friendship & you got your response - so now you must move on & not let that infringe on how things progress from here on...
Think of her as a guy friend, you enjoy having a laugh with her & sharing good times. It is not a crime & for you to crave that is perfectly natural so don't feel guilty as though you are asking for too much. As for what to say & so on, keep it cool &, like Enigma says, light...
Something like "I needed to know how you felt about me for sure so that I could move on. The last thing I wanted was for things to become awkward. I value our friendship way too much to let this screw things up". Don't ignore what's happened, that's the worst thing you could do – it'd only makes things more awkward. Clear the air to begin with - then you need not mention it ever again. If you don't she might be left thinking that you are still looking for something that she cannot give. By being the first to email after all of this will show her that you still hold a flaming torch which, despite everything, continues to burn brightly - in which case a friendship would be impossible.
This is not the scenario which is why a brief mail, text or call (whichever you prefer) clarifying how you feel now is what's in order. After which you should definitely take a break. You'll find pretty soon that she'll be the one emailing you first... that's why YOU need to be the stubborn one for a change :)
I know how much you care about this girl & that you may only want to see the very best in her but to have employed these avoidance tactics was quite cruel. I don't care how busy someone is, like Sam says, it only takes 5 minutes to compile a text message, a quick email or to dial a number – so in that respect it was unkind.
Also, the 'anguish' that she seemed to make efforts at portraying in her email was an attempt, I believe, to place significant blame for this on you. I mean, to turn around & say that she just 'didn't realise' how strongly you felt – the charm bracelet, poems & so on were no clue? It just doesn't add up & to declare her not feeling the same way as "that's obvious" was a real cop-out & as good enough as an admittace to having ignored you to make you get the message. No matter how busy someone is, if someone doesn't realise how you're feeling – a friend’ll always take five out to make contact – it's lame not to...
Again, Andres I feel very privileged for you to have addressed your post to me – maybe you did it out of habit, I don't know, but it's nice all the same :) Sorry for the delay! I really hope my words have offered you some support, along with those from these great people. I'm just a regular gal reading a beautiful account of a man with so much to offer, so much love to give, such a level head on his shoulders...
I really hope that Missy sees it in her heart to maintain this friendship; she values you as a friend so if your declarations have no other effect, at least now she realises how honest a person you are. If she doesn't, if things fall apart – as sad & disappointing as it will be; it really is her loss. You deserve something that she'll never be able to provide.
You are in my thoughts & prayers. You have a huge heart & a bright future ahead of you – things'll come together so nicely. When the time & place is right you'll meet the girl who is meant for you & when you do, things will make sense. See this as a lesson learnt, a tough a lesson as it may be, it's an important one. To take a chance as you did takes some courage. You had to know where you stood & you didn't waste time waiting around in Fool's Paradise.
Everything'll come out in the wash, whatever happens Andres, be happy & keep smilin' :) It's been lovely reading your posts & I am truly sorry that things didn't work out as you had hoped - things happen for a reason, as they say...
I hope things work out, best of luck!
Emma x @:-)
--- Tuesday, August 17, 2004 -
Answer by: Sam
Hi Andres,
I know you didn't ask for my input either (where the heck has ol' Emma been, anyway!?) but I felt I had to respond as it seem like you took my advice -- to tell her how you felt.
I think she has known how strongly you've felt about her for quite some time -- with the beautiful poems you wrote her, telling her you love her though letters, the wonderful charm bracelet you bought for her, etc. Only, you never actually put her on the spot and asked her finally how she felt about YOU. Andres, I think you're a great guy. You sound very educated with a lot going for you, with dreams and aspirations to go to law school. That's awesome, kid. I'm sorry if you feel like your heart has hit the floor and that you feel devestated here. I assure you though, that there's another special girl out there who will outshine Missy, a girl who you're meant to be with. Let me tell you something -- I believe in fate. I believe that people sometimes get hurt in order for us to grow and become stronger -- and appreciate "the One" when we meet them. So Missy doesn't feel the same way about you. Ok, that's alright, right Andres? It's her loss.
I think you did the right thing Andres. Nobody wants to continue to beat around the bush we they feel so much passion inside. You did the right thing by telling her how you felt and asking her why she was ignoring you. Honestly I believe she was doing it on purpose -- to let you know with her actions that she didn't feel the same. As for her excuse that she doesn't call people -- what a crock. If she liked a guy she WOULD call him. She sounds angry in her e-mail because she doesn't want to feel like she was being a jerk, but she knows that she was.
As for Missy -- you could send her an e-mail saying hello and keeping it short, but don't call her and don't pay as much attention to her as you used to. If she does indeed value your frienship then she WOULD call you -- no relationship including friendship is one sided, I don't care how "busy" you are. A phone call, a quick hello in an e-mail -- takes five minutes.
It's ok, Andres. You'll be alright. Ms. Right is still out there, wondering where you are. You'll find her someday. In the meantime try to keep your chin up and don't get so down on yourself. Sunshine always comes through the rain. :-) God bless.
--Sam
--- Tuesday, August 17, 2004 -
Answer by: Enigma
Andy,
Well, I know you didn't ask for my opinion here, but...
Listen, i'm so sorry things worked out the way they did, I know you've really cared about her for a long time and had hoped things would go in a different direction.
With that said... you put it out there for her in black and white, and it seems that in some ways she was avoiding talking to you BEFORE you emailed her because I think she may not have known how strong your feelings for her were... she had a pretty good idea that you had a romantic interest there. She didn't feel the same way, and so perhaps in her mind it seemed easier to avoid things then tell you because she didn't want to hurt you.
I can understand that you're concerned about things being strained in the friendship now... as she has information of how you feel about her and she doesn't feel the same way... however be careful here okay? If you wish to email her something short just saying that although she didn't have the same feelings for you as you for her, that you really value her friendship and hope that the two of you can remain friends. Let her know the last thing you had wanted to happen was to loose the friendship and you're sorry if this has made her feel uncomfortable in any way.
Tell her not to be a stranger... keep it light.
Although I know you don't think you will ever find anyone as special as her, I know in time, you will find someone who does return those feelings for you and find happiness in a relationship.
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