Title:
Not a problem, just some opinions...? (LONG)
By: AmberRomance
This isn't a problem, but I just needed an outsiders opinion on a sticky, tough situation..
My boyfiend and I have been together for 10 months now, and it is actually my longest relationship to date. He's the one person who I feel is my "soulmate," that were almost perfect for eachother. We are in love, and we've been through some rough spots (as goes with relationships). However, times have now gotten very hard..
In Dec., my boyfriend had gotten in trouble with the law. He had to resign from his then current and stable job to save a future reference. The problem is now, he has an "adjudification witheld" on his record. Well, the REAL problem is that he has now been out of work for 3 months (two previous "in-between" jobs while he found something with security). He has been making an absolute extreme effort to find a job, and because of his background, has yet to find a job that could be a long-term positon (customer service, hospitality, etc.). He has been getting very down, and it just seems that no matter how hard he tries, he is unable to secure a job(several positions were offered, but then rejected due to background).
Another problem is that I am the one working a full-time job, and trying to help support him(he does recieve financial aid from school, but it is not coming in time to help pay living expenses). He has worn out his expenses from his parents, and is now in debt with credit cards and over-drawn on his account. I help him as much as possible without putting my own self in economic failure. However, I'm only used to taking care of myself(college student living at home, minor expenses as car insurance, credit cards, cellphone, etc.) and it has been an increasing burden on my shoulders.
He rarely askes me to help him, but knowing his position with his family, job, etc., I offer to help him because he would have to move back home (over 300 miles away) and I can't bear it. I have lost others in the past (ex's that have cheated, been alcoholics, plain JERKS) and with also a recent death in the family, I have clung to him - He is my support for when I need a shoulder to cry on. I love him very much, but love cannot pay bills unfortunately.
I also hear a lot of "complaints" from both sides of my family (biological mother, biological father and step-mother) such as, "he's not a go-getter like you are" and "I hope you aren't planning on marrying this guy" and so forth. My father is always rude to him, and they constantly knock him down. It's getting to the point where I have to beg him just to come over for dinner (don't get me wrong, I know why and understand)! I try to have him come over, to hopefully close the gap between him and my parents, but it keeps backfiring.
The way I feel, is that if (BIG IF) I were to opt out of a relationship, it would be on my own account, and not influences from others. However, from constant barading, and stress of monetary situation/boyfriend situation, I am constantly thinking about our relationship; I know that in my heart, I love him, more than I have ever loved anyone before. It's just very hard. And I don't want to break up because of money - I love him unconditionally and I feel that to opt out because of a rough spot is like an "easy way out."
At times, I feel like I don't know what to do or think anymore: Are my parent's right? Should I keep on helping to support him until he gets back on his feet? I realize that I obviously have doubts, but are they because of the nonsense and stress, constant nit-picking from other loved ones? I do know that when were 'alone' that I wish nothing more than to be in his arms, as if anything is possible and that "we'll make it..."
Sorry this is so terribly long. If anyone finds the time to read this, I would appreciate an opinion from an outsiders POV. Let me know what you think.
Thanks :)
-Mariana
Responses to this article:
--- Tuesday, August 24, 2004 -
Answer by: Sam
First and foremost, I want to applaud you for being such a level-headed woman and going to school -- you should be proud of yourself and you sound like you have a lot going for yourself. That's wonderful and awesome and hunky-dory. Keep it up. For real.
As for your "sticky" situation, giving you advice here, I am trying to remain unbiased as I do not know you, nor him... nor do you explain what sort of trouble he had with the law... I am not aware of it being a misdemeanor or a felony... but apparently whatever the circumstance your family has a judgement of him that HE, your boyfriend, gave to himself. While I'm not doubting you when you say that he is "trying"... apparently though, he is not trying enough. It is not up to you to support him financially and be his hero. Yes, that is very, very, VERY kind of you, however there comes a point when to say, "ENOUGH!" Know what I mean? Ask yourself seriously, as an intelligent woman such as yourself -- do you want the sort of relationship where you are not only supporting yourself, but him as well? He needs to not only try harder for you, he needs to get his stuff together and improve himself. I'm not dissing on your bf, but for real, does this guy have any pride? I don't know how he can just keep on accepting money from you, whether he asks for it or not.
I'll tell you what, when he decides to grow up and he gets a steady job, all the while going to school and pulling good grades -- that ALONE will help your family accept him more. Your boyfriend is making this image of himself... your family sees him as a guy who doesn't try as hard in life as you do, they see him as a guy who's been in trouble with the law and who freeloads off of you (intentionally or otherwise).
As long as you keep giving him money, you are encouraging this behavior. There's nothing wrong with helping someone out a LITTLE financially, and I know you mean well and I know you love him and have a bleeding heart for him -- BUT enough is enough though, ok? This can't go on forever or you WILL suffer for it financially yourself... there's all sorts of stories similar to yours on all those reality court shows, i.e., People's Court and the like... stuff like this happens often and women like you get taken advantage of...
The conclusion here is for you to stop giving him money and helping him out financially. He is a big boy and he needs to get his stuff together on his own. It's alright if he lives at home with his family while he builds his credit and finds a job -- and it's ok if you help him in other ways by helping him look for other jobs -- but he needs to grow up and he needs to take hold of the reins of his own life. This is not about his appreciation, this is about him acting like an adult and improving his own life.
And -- I certainly hope he has learned from the trouble he ran into with the law -- under certain circumstances now (depending on what he did) he cannot vote or take out a loan... like I said I have no idea what he did but what's on his record does not look good to society in general.
Be careful, ok? Don't let yourself be used. I'm not saying that is happening -- I'm just saying to watch out for yourself.
Good luck.
--- Tuesday, August 24, 2004 - To JC
Answer by: AmberRomance
Thank you very much for responding.. I am glad to hear your response, it uplifts me! Thanks again!
-Mariana
--- Tuesday, August 24, 2004 - Just follow your heart
Answer by: JC from WHK
My dear as long as you love him and you are happy with him,stand by him. Don't worry about what other people are thinking or saying because its your happiness not theirs. Who knows; this might be your love test, whether u love him or not. Once this is over he might look back and appreciate u.
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