I’m a 35 year old woman. For three years I dated a great guy, whom I will call Joe. We got along great and I was hoping we could take our relationship to the next level, i.e. get engaged, get married, have a family, etc. But Joe was afraid…he wasn’t sure he wanted that, didn’t think he would be a good husband or father, and had some issues he needed to deal with regarding not comparing me to his ex-wife and just learning to be happy being himself…he really didn’t like the person he was. So, we agreed to stop dating but remain close friends. Joe said “I know you will probably start dating again, I just don’t want to know about it.” It was difficult, but I ventured back out into the dating world. I met a great man, whom I will call Chris. He is smart, classy, handsome, thoughtful, loves to travel, financially stable, and we have a nice time together. We had been dating for 4 months when he planned to take me to San Francisco for a week. Well, I still met Joe for lunches as we are still close, but I never told him about Chris. When Joe wanted to make plans for lunch on a day I was to be in San Francisco, I said “I’m sorry, I’ll be out of town on vacation.” Joe asked “Are you going on vacation by yourself?” and I responded simply with “No.” Well, he’s smart enough to figure out that I was probably vacationing with a new love interest. When I returned from my trip, Joe came to me and professed his love for me and said that for the past 5 months we had been broken up he had been getting his life together because he had realized that he did, indeed, want to be with me, get married, start a family, etc. He had been fixing up his house to sell, he quit smoking, he started exercising and eating better and was finally happy in his own skin and was just trying to get everything in order before he came to me to tell me. But then he found out I was dating someone else and new he had to tell me immediately how he felt. Well, I was shocked. To make a long story a bit shorter, I have been torn between Joe and Chris for a month. I really care about Chris and think there is a possibility of a future with him, but it is too soon to really tell. They are two different men with different strengths and weaknesses, which makes it very hard to choose. Regarding financial stability, Chris is definitely more financially stable and money savvy Joe. Joe, on the other hand, is very open, honest, and not afraid of communication. Chris likes to travel and take me to nice places. Joe would like to travel, but financially can’t do so very often. My question is this: how do I determine who would be better for me? I keep waiting for a sign or divine intervention. I keep thinking something will present itself and I’ll just know the right choice. But that is not happening. I stress about this everyday. I can’t sleep, I keep getting colds and headaches, I’m tired and just worn out. I have been dating them both for the past couple of weeks, but I don’t know how much longer I can do that. Joe knows about Chris, but Chris doesn’t know about Joe, and I feel it’s unfair to keep this from him, but knowing how non-communicative and emotionally distant he is, I don’t know if I should tell him. So, I am asking for some advice…..what things should I do to help me come to some sort of conclusion. I just want to make the best choice for my future and my future children to be happy emotionally and in love and content financially.
Responses to this article:
--- Tuesday, August 17, 2004 -
Answer by: Sam
Enigma gives some great advice there.
My only input is, well, who makes you feel more like you can be yourself, who makes you feel better? Who makes you feel more "complete"? I know it sounds so "Jerry Maguire" cliche', but it's true. Money and traveling is nice, but it doesn't make a future nor secure a relationship. Love, communiation, trust... these are all ingredients that make a great and lasting relationship.
Lastly, follow your heart. :-)
--- Tuesday, August 17, 2004 -
Answer by: Enigma
Marcy,
LOL you are in the exact place my best girlfriend is! Holy sshhhiiii T! your second guy even has the same name as my girls...
Anyway, believe me when I tell you she and I have looked at her situation from every possible angle. So with that said, I will tell you the same things i've told her...
First, tell Chris... I know you don't want to out of fear of loosing him before you've made up your mind, but like I told my girl... it isn't fair to him not to have the option of staying around without the all the 411... not to mention the fact he will probably find out about this later, and if it's him you've chosen that won't be a good thing to have to explain later.
Secondly... it seems that Joe has "found himself" since becoming aware that you've moved on... now i'm not going to say he hasn't changed, but i'm going to say be careful here Marcy... and make sure that he is being sincere... as i've also told my girlfriend, there is a reason you have been unable or unwilling to let go of Joe completley however there is also a reason things didn't work out between the two of you to begin with.
Last thing here... make sure you are looking at both guys as individuals... no one is going to have every single little quaility in them you want... one will be good here, but maybe not so great here... so it's being realistic about things and not giving Joe to much credit where it may not be due... and taking away from Chris to justify second thoughts about Joe... make sense?
I think like my girl, you really know who it is you want... now the trick is letting go of the fear long enough and taking a risk on what your heart tells you;)
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