When a man is in a long-term relationship of many years and the two of you are talking about marrying in the next 6 months, what kind of behavior is "normal"?
What I mean specifically is how much time is normal for him to be with friends or be out running around alone? I don't want to seem needy or like the nagging girlfriend, but we CONSTANTLY fight about his friends and what they do together.
I don't think much of his friends, any of them, as very good people. But I can't tell him not to hang out with them, as much as I wish I could. I just know him and I know my efforts would be in vain so I'm not going to try. I also believe that regardless of what they say or feel he is ultimately responsible for his own behavior.
With that said, I guess my MAIN problem is HIS behavior regarding his friends. He always ditches me when he's bored to go see what they're doing, which is probably my fault either because I'm so damn boring or that I've just taught him that I'm ever-available. Also, we cannot go anywhere or do anything without his very best friend ringing his phone to death. I kid you not, his friend left him at my house and 10 min later he called him. We told him we were going out of town on a date. He called about 30 min later. And again within an hour. And again when we got back in town. I asked my boyfriend if he is gay (I didn't actually mean it), or if he thinks his friend could be. I don't understand, it seems they both prefer each other's company over their women. Which I think is sad. I have no problem with him having friends but it seems to be getting beyond my comfort level. We ended the night in a huge fight, I've held it off, I've tried rewording my feelings in a non-blaming way "I feel really stupid and confused when I end up alone all the time when one of your friends call" but it does nothing. Saying ANYTHING automatically puts him on the defensive. But I can't do this anymore, I am so sick of getting sidelined for this guy. But he does his wife the same way, actually he's NEVER with her period and I guess she's alright with it. That's her life, not mine. But it seems like EVERY and I do mean EVERY weekend night, which is the time that I really am strict about reserving, is the time that I find myself having violent thoughts as I pace my house alone while he's running the streets. Every weekend he says he's just going to see what he's doing and it ALWAYS ends up being a whole night event, they're always doing something. It's as if he and his friend are dependent of each other. The simplest things require the other's attendance. I don't think they're WITH women, but I totally disagree with the fact that they almost always end up in a few bars. The way I see it, committed people don't go to bars without their significant other. People go to bars to meet other people. That just doesn't sit well with me. He would CRAP CRAP CRAP himself if I went to a bar with a friend. He says they just go hang out but still, it's beyond what I feel I should accept. Am I being too restrictive? REALLY? How do you people feel about my opinion of taken men on the bar scene?
Another thing about this situation that ruffles my feathers is that he is extremely critical of ALL of my friends, which I would say are all acceptable to great people. Unlike my male sidekick, I don't really want to be in the company of friends I feel don't practice good conduct, although some it's hard to say. I want to be with people that share the same values that I do, and I feel that I'm respectable. Obviously I would have to be in my boyfriend's eyes or he wouldn't be with me. However, to him ALL of my friends are whores, even the virgins, or the ones that married the men they lost their virginity to. NONE of my friends have had more than 2 partners, but he always says the've probably had more but just don't admit it. He's very wierd about the whole slut thing. I honestly believe he thinks every woman on Earth is a slut, probably even his mother and baby sister. Which is sad. I've tried to get him to explain this belief but he never does. He's had TONS of flings and things but never a serious relationship, so I guess that would make him a slut? But I guess in his world that's a standard that women are measured up to. I think he was raised with some really warped views of women. I can't get him to open up to me about it and his mom says she doesn't understand why he's like that. She (a WOMAN! MY GOD!) is the person he loves most in the entire universe.
So what's the deal? Can anyone help me unravel the mystery but also tell me if I'm just asking to much of the guy??! :s Thanks
Responses to this article:
--- Sunday, August 29, 2004 -
Answer by: Jonathan
Sorry, Anon
Delete my last paragraph... My mistake. Other wording still applies, however...
--- Sunday, August 29, 2004 -
Answer by: Jonathan
Hi,
Let me get to the point. This WHOLE (I'm mean WHOLE) article haulted for me when it came to my understanding that his friends are more important to him. LEAVE HIM NOW! What more can I say? You heard it all already...
Tell me where it is written that a friend is first priority over a girlfriend -- and soon to be WIFE. And guess what. When you are his wife, he will stick steadfast to this standard.
And if I've interpeted you message correctly -- he's married? I Jonathan, like others, also feel sorry for her and you should too. But what have you done? Subconsciously encourage perseverance. What more can I say?
Good Luck... Until George Bush kills us...
--- Sunday, August 29, 2004 -
Answer by: Sam
Ok... sorry about that everyone, I really misunderstood the post! Well, all in all my advice still stands though... it's one thing for a guy to spend time with his friends, but hon -- if he's ditching you to go out with them and completely disregards your feelings -- then I say that's not right at all...
I like what Gregg says there -- that unless you want to be treated as a doormat, then go out with your own friends. Also, he gives some good advice when he says to get out of this relationship instead of planning on marriage -- do you want to be ditched on your wedding night? I mean for real here.
This guy has clearly shown what his priorites are, and sadly -- you aren't on his VIP list. You deserve better than this, and I hope you realize that before it's too late.
--- Sunday, August 29, 2004 - I get it
Answer by: anon
I see where you're coming from, but just for the record, how much time do "normal" guys spend with friends? Do think that asking a man to stay out of bars and places like that is unreasonable? I know that's not really the root of the problem, but I do want to know even if for just future reference. I do have a history of being insecure and I need to know what's normal to let a guy do and what's not.
--- Sunday, August 29, 2004 - HE IS NOT MARRIED
Answer by: anon
Sorry if my post was misleading, my boyfriend IS NOT MARRIED but his best friend is. I'm saying that his best friend always wants to be with my boyyfriend as opposed to HIS OWN WIFE. Sorry for the confusion!
--- Sunday, August 29, 2004 - Why are you with him?
Answer by: Gregg@LoveIsGreat.com
Unless I mis-read your posting, your boyfriends friend is the one who is married. Your boyfriend is the one with an attitude problem. And you are the one who has put up with it and plan to marry him for what reason?
First, if he thinks all women are sluts, then it follows that he thinks you are too. He just hasn't said it to you yet. Think about that.
Second, if he likes going out with his friend so much, but would crap if you went out, you should go out. What is good enough for him to do, is good enough for you to do. Unless you want to be his doormat that he can do whatever he wants to, you need equality in your relationship.
Third, your question about "When a man is in a long-term relationship of many years and the two of you are talking about marrying in the next 6 months, what kind of behavior is "normal"? " The behavior of your boyfriend is not that of someone who wants you. Consider ending the relationship, not getting married.
--- Sunday, August 29, 2004 -
Answer by: Enigma
Wait... okay I really am confused...
Anon are you saying that your boyfriend treats his WIFE this way or were you saying your boyfriends best friend treats his wife this way?
Anon, if Sam read this right and your boyfriend IS married, then the only thing you need to know is GET OUT.
--- Sunday, August 29, 2004 -
Answer by: Enigma
Sam, I think you misunderstood Anon... From what i'm reading her boyfriend isn't married to someone else, he has been with her in a long term relationship and the two of them are discussing getting married?
Maybe I read it wrong?
Regardless... Anon it sounds to me that your boyfriend has a double set of standards one for him, which allows him to behave how he chooses, do what he wants, see whom he wants and go where he wants and you (as far as he is concerned) should suck it up, put on a happy face and be quiet.
Then there is the standards he has for you... which allows you to do what he says, go where he wants, be friends with ppl he finds acceptable (like maybe his mom) and behave in a manner he finds acceptable and approves of (like staying home while he goes out and not asking any questions when he gets back)
This isn't okay Anon...
Your boyfriend seems to have a negative view of women... he really believes it's okay for men to do what they wish and he really believes that if a woman has had sex with anyone else BESIDES HIM that makes her a whore. In fact i'm willing to bet he believes that although he had sex with other woman that in his mind he believed that it made the woman a slut for doing so.
Your boyfriends mom does know why he is like this... again if I was making bets I would be willing to put money on it that this is the type of home he grew up in... his dad did what he wanted while his mom stayed at home and pretended it wasn't happening.
Think really hard before you decide to marry him Anon... what you're seeing in right now is probably as good as it's ever going to get. Right now he totally disregards your wishes and feelings and marrying him... then he will believe he "owns" you somehow and things can only get worse from there.
If you've done all you can girl, and talked to him about how you feel regarding this and he still hasn't changed his behaviour... then don't look for it to happen. Understand the only person you can change here is yourself...
Good Luck
--- Sunday, August 29, 2004 -
Answer by: Sam
Oh boy... this is just one huge mess...
*Pops a couple asprins*
Ok. First of all -- you are NOT in a "committed" relationship with this guy. I have several reasons to back up that statement so bear with me: NUMBER ONE, he's married. I don't care if he spends time with her or not -- this should be a huge, HUGE deal to you! No offense here, but it's not smart to get involved with a married man who's clearly cheating on his wife, who clearly has no respect for women, who clearly doesn't give a rats about your feelings and DITCHES you to hang out with his boy -- and you're planning to marry this guy within six months!? I mean, what the...!?
I don't get why you'd do such a thing to another woman first of all and second, I don't know why on earth you'd expect him to change for YOU. No matter what you say this guy is a major jerk, and the only important thing is what is on HIS agenda and HIS alone. Commitment is OBVIOUSLY not in this guy's dictionary, so why are you kidding yourself?
I seriously don't get women like you. You're seeing a married man, he treats you like dirt, and you're wondering why he treats you that way? Look, do yourself a huge favor and end this relationship. You, just like his poor wife (whom I feel really sorry for) is going to end up another woman scorn. This guy is bad news and is only going to bring you more heartache.
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