My boyfriend and I have been together close to four and a half years now. We are both in our early twenties and still finishing school. We have both always been faithful, and have had a strong relationship so far. We have even lived together for a year at one point, but now live apart. Our relationship has not changed much since living together, it was just convenient at the time. Here's what I'm getting at....he doesn't like to talk about marriage AT ALL. When I ask him about it, which I rarely do, he usually gives yes, no, or I don't know answers, but does not elaborate at all. Recently I got him to open up about it alittle more. He basically told me he is unsure if we will ever get married. He told me that if he was sure now, he would ask me now. I guess that makes since, but I've been kidding myself this whole time thinking that he just hasen't asked me yet b/c maybe he wants to wait until we're both done with school or somthing, or he is waiting for some better time. He did go on to say that even though he is unsure if we well ever get married, he does see a future for us and see us married some day. I am incredibly confused. I would not break up with him over the marriage thing, b/c I am just happy to be with him, marriage or not. But i do feel like it is somthing I want in the future for us, and if he is unsure now, how will he ever be sure? He sais he will just know when he is sure. I just don't get it. How could you be with somone for so long, and still not be sure? I devote so much of my time and energy toward our relationship, and I feel like he does not do the same. He devotes most of his time and energy into the stuff he is interested in. Now that I know he is unsure of us ever getting married, I feel like I have wasted my time on him. I feel insecure about our relationship now, b/c I feel like he might just find somone better and leave me. I feel like I have nothing to hope for, b/c how will he ever be sure. I feel like I will never be good enough for him to want to marry me, b/c if I am not good enough now for him to be sure, then how can I ever be? What should I do, please help.
Responses to this article:
--- Thursday, September 30, 2004 -
Answer by: Emma
Well, it seems you are uncertain of many things & whilst you are young adults - I agree that everyone is different in respect to the level of commitment that they are mature enough to handle at a particular age...
One thing that does strike me perhaps is this curiosity of what it might be like to date other people - never a good indicator of a long term, serious relationship & is likely to have a detrimental affect for as long as you're together. I'm not playing down what you have but if you were 'soul mates' - for want of a better word you wouldn't have that 'what-if' attitude. If a person you're with is enough, forever, then the thought of getting with other people just so you can say you've experience more wouldn't enter the equation... or is that just me? I'm not sure...
Though, if you really feel like you are wasting your effort on someone who, at some point in the future, craves being with someone else then maybe it would be better to face up to that now instead of going along pretending that he is as committed to the relationship as you are...
I don't know either of you but as a personal indicator for myself - if I was with someone I aspire to marry & felt it required constant effort to keep them with me - I'd cut my losses. As difficult as that may seem - it's easy to become 'safe' in a relationship, any relationship because it's been that way for so long... get what I'm saying?
You say you can be patient, just bare in mind that, from his current outlook, he may not perceive you as The One. I don't mean to be unnecessarily harsh but you wanted my opinion & if he's unable to give you even a vague indication as to where you fit in his future plans then perhaps it's not meant to be... & he's comfortable, for now, with how things are.
Good luck
--- Wednesday, September 29, 2004 - his parents are together
Answer by: november
His parents aren't divorced, and they have a wonderful relationship. Mine are, and he knows how much I fear ever having a failed marriage someday. Also, we're only 21. I know some people get married at that age, but it is young, and I know allot of people go through many life changes at this age. So it's hard, b/c even though we have been together for 4 years, we still have the age factor in the way. I personally don't think it should really matter, b/c every one is different. Also, I feel like people are always changing, no matter what age they are, but he doesn't agree.I don't really want to get married NOW, if he asked I would say yes, of coarse, but I don't really want it now or anything. I don't know if I should expect a promice of it in the future from him either, but I guess I would like to have some hope. He just doesn't give me any ideas what so ever about the future, nothing! I guess I just need to be more patient. I get the feeling that he does want a future for us, but I somtimes wander if he would rather just break up and date other people, but it is too hard for him to leave me. He just doesn't seem totally devoted to the relationship like I am. Sometimes, I feel like maybe we should date other people, just to make sure, plus I've have the idea of it pounded in my head by my mom even though she loves him. But I would never want to lose him, but the curiousity is there. Neither of us have ever been in another serious relationship, maybe that is why he sais he's not sure of what will happen, but does want marriage some day. It kills me to think of him with anyone else, and it kills me to think that we may never get married. That is why it is so hard to know that he doesn't have a clue. Thanks for the advice, any other remarks are quite welcome.
--- Wednesday, September 29, 2004 -
Answer by: Emma
Hmmmmm, November all you seem to be doing is compromising & whilst that's healthy in a relationship it's certainly NOT healthy if it's infringing on YOUR happiness... you need to put yourself first for a change & quit pussy footing around since this may be only adding fuel to the fire, making him even less sure of what he wants or more afraid to say what he really feels...
This is a difficult situation though - Enigma asks a good question - if his parents are divorced & if his whole perception of marriage is that of the 'ball & chain', it not lasting beyond a few years & so on then it is the INSTITUTION which he has a fear of - not the commitment to YOU...
Honestly though you do need to talk to him properly & accept no maybes. It's all fine & dandy to keep you in limbo but four years have passed already & you are still none the wiser about his plans...
He needs to be honest with you but at the same time he doesn't want to lose you - which I can understand but it's not really fair on you. If it is the concept of marriage he deems pointless & he isn't willing to make the commitment you may drift apart in time anyway simply because you both want different things. You do say that he sees a future for the both of you... now I'M confused :S
If he really does want to be with you long-term, November & if he loves you with all of his heart then he'll make this commitment - for you, to be with you always. As a Christian - the concept of living with someone & such like before marriage for so long is alien to me anyway but from what I figure it's the whole "it's only a piece of paper" syndrome he's got...
Words cannot express how much more it is than this & this is your belief too so don't be forced into living this way for much longer. Don't be afraid to emphasise how much this means to you, if he loves you; you won't be able to push him away. Four years is a long time, long enough to realise if you want to be with the person for the rest of your life...
Talk to him & ask for complete honesty. If the answers aren't what you're hoping for don't hold out hope that they’ll change over time... they rarely do...
Best of luck with it @:-)
--- Tuesday, September 28, 2004 -
Answer by: Sam
Let me tll you something, November: If this boyfriend of yours is telling you that he is "unsure" that he wants to marry you after four years, he will always be "unsure" if he EVER wants to marry you -- period. Honestly it's my opinion that you ARE wasting your time and effort on this one IF you want marriage in your future.
It's obvious that the subject of marriage isn't one he apparently enjoys. I think you already have your answer on this one, especially if you are sleeping with him. He wants to "get the milk for free" without the committment.
I think you shouldn't settle for anything less than what YOU want in life, November. There comes a point in life when you realize that you shouldn't have to give up your dreams of having your wedding day for a guy that DOESN'T WANT to marry you. You should be insulted, but that's just how I see it.
Personally it's all up to you if you wish to stay with this commitment phobic -- but up to you.
--- Tuesday, September 28, 2004 -
Answer by: Enigma
November,
Curious... is your boyfriends parents still together?
Is your boyfriend saying he isn't sure of marrying YOU or is he saying he isn't sure of getting married period?
Now, I do see your point here (especially if marriage is important to you) that after 4 years together, yeah I think he should know IF he wants to marry you... that you are the right person for him... but again, he isn't saying he doesn't want to marry YOU... see what i'm getting at here?
If you feel the relationship over all is good and makes you happy... then stay with it (but not for 4 more years if you really want to be married and he still isn't willing to give) and maybe find a way to compromise at this time... like maybe "promise rings"?
Talk to him again... (don't nag) tell him that while you understand he isn't sure of what the future will bring (as you don't know either) that you want to know that he see's YOU with him in that picture of things.
Good Luck
--- Tuesday, September 28, 2004 -
Answer by: Jonathan
Hi November,
Alright, check it. If this guy has "absolute-zero" plans for marriage as of now, don't expect any plans soon -- at all. In fact, the only time you'll probably hear him discuss marriage is when you bring up the subject just to hear him say "no". I mean, if the guy has no plans to move on into something different at some point, he shouldn't mind tying the knot. It IS possible that he wants to wait a bit longer to be sure of things, since you said that he sees you two married some day. Don't stick with the verbalism though.
However, if you trust him and know for sure that he sincerely loves you, stick around for a while and see where it leads. If you pay close enough attention to his vibes, you'll feel even more secure about your relationship -- that is if they are all possitive.
Just remember that he's been loyal to you for MANY years so there's no reason to just up and leave; though there's also no reason to "not be" a bit skeptical. Only "you" can make the right decision(s) based on relationship health...
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