My boyfriend and I were together for 10 months in 2003, and then broke up. We lived together for 9 months. He is an alcoholic and used to disappear on weekends and was not emotionally committed to the relationship. As a result, I believed for a long time after we split, that he was only with me because he needed me (he didn’t have a job, and couldn’t pay rent or anything else), and not because he loved me, which he said he did. (he had gotten a job before he left me) He ruined me financially as a result of his drinking etc, but I never stopped loving him, despite everything, although I knew we couldn’t be together while he continued on his downward spiral. I couldn’t risk him taking me down even further than I already had.
We were apart from October 2003 until July this year, and were in contact almost daily by phone, when he contacted me to say that he was in rehab for his alcohol AND drug addiction, and that he had changed and would love it if I could give him another chance, which I did.
We’ve been together 3 months now, and he has been sober for 4 and a half months already, which is fantastic and I’m so proud of him. He has just recently gotten a job, and a car, and things are going well for him….That’s when all the trouble started.
For 2 months, I was amazed at the change in him when it came to me, I was getting phone calls every hour and text messages just as often, telling me how much he loved me, and he was so affectionate and attentive and couldn’t wait to see me all the time. We are not living together and see each other on weekends only. The last month since he has gotten work, the text messages and phone calls have stopped, unless I initiate them, and he doesn’t seem as eager, affectionate or attentive. He says it’s because he is tired and under a lot of pressure, which I can understand, but so am I (my mother is suffereing from a life-threatening disease and I have taken over her “job” at home), but I don’t let it affect our relationship, as he does. It feels like he doesn’t love me OR need me anymore, and he’s just waiting for the chance to call things off, which he says is ridiculous and that he does love me but I’ve got to be patient with him.
My mother says I’m too insecure and possessive and he’ll end up leaving him as a result if I don’t sort myself out, which I am, but I can’t help myself. He, among other ex’s, has hurt me so deeply, that I cannot help but think the worst.
If I pretend I don’t care, will he wonder why and try harder? Please give me some advice and give me your opinion. I think I need to join a group or see a counselor to sort my issues out, but also don’t even know where to start.
Please help me, before I destroy my fragile relationship with the man I love even more than I already have.
Siranne
Responses to this article:
--- Monday, October 4, 2004 -
Answer by: Enigma
Sometimes the very thing(s) you pray for, wish for and ask for, are the same things that when you actually get them.. scare you.
In a lot of ways, I think you're feeling insecure because he was dependant upon you to take care of him and make him okay when he was using and unemployed.. and because of how long this lasted, you were CO-dependant and enabling...
Now it seems that he might have actually gotten his sh*t together, is taking some responsibility for himself and his life... and although it's what you thought you wanted, it scares you that maybe he won't need you anymore....
I don't know what to tell you here... you deserve to be with a guy who wants to be with you, because it is what he CHOOSES not because he "needs" you to make him okay...
So with that said.... I think it is in finding courage and strength within yourself and letting him take care of himself... with the idea that he is with you because he wants to be.
--- Monday, October 4, 2004 -
Answer by: stiffmeis
you say you and him were together for 3 years and during this time he didn't ahve a job and had his addictions right? Well now since then he has gotten work and been sober so this is all new to him. it may just be a while since he adjusts to all of this new pressure. Yes you also have pressure and stress in your life but you haven't had to switch your entire life style as he did.. I think he just needs time to get use to things and sort thigns out on his behalf before he gets you involved. Mabe he's realized that he used you during the previous relationship and doesn't want that to happen again so he's trying to make it on his own. Are your feelings normal? yes they are, you've been hurt many times and it's only normal to think the worst.. why not, I'll tell you flat out i'm pessimistic, I think it's gonna rain/storm/hail/tornado everyday I wake up. But it isn't wrong to think this way, it's just my way of dealing with things.. If he truely loves you then he will stay with you, remember anyone can come up to you and say they love you a million times, but I believe it's actions that speak louder then words.. He's sobered up, mabe because of you leaving him drove him to do this. That there is something you shouldn't over look.. That would have to be a huge sign that he loves you if he did all of that for you then when sobered up and outa rehab he calls you up and asks for forgiveness. He realizes what he's done was wrong and is trying to make it up to you.. Either way I'd say just give it a while, call him if you must but give him a lil space.. goodluck ~kev
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