Hi everyone! I have been with this guy for about two years starting in January 2003. (We don't consider it dating, it is more than that) Let’s call him Jack. In the beginning our relationship was very serious and we were very obsessed with one another. We spent all the time with one another and had plans for getting married and so on. We are each other’s first loves. Then I "cheated" by telling my guy friends online that I loved them. He found out in August 2003. Yes I do consider that cheating even if I felt nothing for those friends of mine or had no physical contact with them. Jack and I stopped hanging out after October 2004 but we still spoke on the phone every day and continued to tell each other we loved one another. He kept on giving me hope that we would be together again and spend more time together. Around June 2004 we started spending more time together. Then I had to go away for a month and while I was gone I found out he had cheated on me twice, one for 5 months and the other for about 2 weeks [they were both out of state girls], he liked another girl a lot, and he had kissed another girl [the one he liked, on the cheek]. I was heart broken over it. When I got back from my trip I was ready to get him out of my life. The only problem was that I still loved him and I wanted to be with him. I tried liking someone else but it didn’t work out. I found out that he still loved me and so on. One day when we hung out he even kissed me a few times. I was so confused.
Now we hang out constantly and kiss and talk on the phone for hours and tell each other we love another and buy each other gifts but there is a problem. He just sees “us” as something more than friends but not together. This bothers me a lot. It makes me feel used and what not. We don’t have sex or do any sexual stuff, but I still feel like I am getting used. Also no one knows about my feelings for him or his feelings for me. And he never says anything about our future together and so on. I know for a fact he is afraid to grow up, but I don’t see how finding your soul mate would make you grow up faster.
Now I am faced in the situation where he wants to try dating other people so we don’t get bored with one another [because sad to admit it is an ok idea since we know everything about each other but we still are in love]. I don’t know what to do. Should I try dating someone else? The only reason I would date someone else was to make him jealous and to make him realize what he lost. Then I would probably go back to him with a clean fresh new relationship. I asked him what he looks for in a girl and he listed it and he said it matched me 100%, so why can’t he be happy with me? I mean I know there are other girls out there, but he has me, and it isn’t like I would get mad at him if he looked at them, because god gave us eyes for looking. Sorry for this very long post I hope everyone reads it, I just thought it would be easier to give out the information so you would kind of know my situation. So in the end should I date another guy and take the chance of ruining what I have or possibly fixing it, or should I sit here and wait for him to grow up and realize what he has is good enough?
Responses to this article:
--- Wednesday, October 20, 2004 -
Answer by: Emma
It seems you have everything from this guy but respect...
For it to be HIM making all the decisions & to be practically running the show ain't on. I know you love him & that you care for him a lot but I think you are being blinded by his empty promises...
You've already questioned it - why would he want to date someone else when he has you? There's your answer - sad, but true, you aren't enough & you really deserve much better....
It's all wasting time, time which could be spent in a happy, loving relationship not in(ish) one where all your feelings are kept quiet. It's not the way it ought to be & until you quit carrying on accepting his behaviour he's going to keep you in limbo for however long it takes...
I know it's not what you had hoped to hear but from what you describe it's the truth. Credit yourself with more respect, come to expect that you're already "good enough" & start moving on... if he loves you like he claims he does he'll wake up & smell that coffee - just be sure you don't accept any more empty promises in the future... it's all or nothing.
Best of luck :)
--- Tuesday, October 19, 2004 -
Answer by: Sam
I think what's going on here is that he was never really serious about your relationship, even to this day. I could go on and on about what this guy is doing and that he's definitely in the wrong and is a major jerk -- but if you read your post again it's painfully obvious that this guy needs to be kicked to the curb. I think you should learn to NOT let a guy manipulate you, or walk all over you anymore. You are enabling this behavior and if you weren't so addicted to him you'd realize it and dump this chump. It's also apparent that you have issues of self-worth and self-esteem -- my suggestion is for you to seek some counseling to help you with that. You are NOT some guy's lap dog, you are a woman who deserves every ounce of resepct in a relationship. Tell yourself that over and over. He's not good enough for YOU nor worthy of your affections.
--- Monday, October 18, 2004 -
Answer by: stiffmeis
I would say, just stop all communication with him. Don't talk to him and give him time to just think about you. I mean he seems to me he isn't ready for a reltaionship, yet still wants you to care for him and love him.. I don't think it is at all fair for you to keep this going, I mean who's hurting here? It's YOU not him, it was his idea so he's perfectly fine and not worrying about it at all. Let him loose, don't talk to him and let him then think about you. Mabe this will open his eyes, show him what he "supposedly" lost. Don't rush back into his arms, slowly build up communication. Then if still he isn't ready well sadly you mustn't be around him. Or your life will just be a living hell until he leaves you or is finally ready for you, god knows when that will be. good luck. ~kev
--- Monday, October 18, 2004 -
Answer by: Jonathan
Hi DusterSoapBunny (lol),
If you were to ask my opinion, I'd say that you are too in love to realize the truth about you and this guy. Let's say you weren't in love and he told you that he loved you and that he just couldn't be with you. You'd play SMART (like you should be doing now) and move on. I think you get the drift of what I'm trying to tell you.
To tell you what's probably true (cause it usually is), this guy don't love you like he says he does. I mean, what person tells you that you are the perfect girl that match his prefernce 100%, and tells you that the loves you alot, but don't want to be with you? A lier -- end of discussion. I don't think there is a normal person in existence who would think that way -- uhh -- ya know. Would you consider dating other people when the perfect person stands before you AND have high interest -- add the fact that they tell you EVERY day on the phone that they love you? No -- impossible. In fact, we "ALL" dream of the perfect person comming into our lives, so why would we avoid them?
What I'm trying to say is that he speaks of false interest -- which only gives you false hope. Maybe he does it so that he wont hurt you or because he thinks he can always come back to you if other women don't work out. I don't know the truth of this guy. Who knows, maybe he IS abnormal and is that "ONLY person in existence who can love, but still not want to be with you and just date other people who he really don't like as much as you even though you are the 100% perfect person to him". But enough of the run-on sentence sarcasm; just be smart and move on. If he's THAT into you, he'll end up chasing after you no matter what. What more can I say?
Good Luck... jonathanreed@excite.com
--- Monday, October 18, 2004 -
Answer by: Enigma
Heres a better idea... why not decide he isn't good enough for you and move on?
What you're describing is he wants to remain friends with benefits and be allowed to persue other people without being accountable to you for that.
This has nothing to do with you being good enough... he isn't ready to be in an exclusive relationship with you... he isn't done looking around.
Don't wait around for him to "grow up" or decide your "good enough" hell no! wish him luck, and find someone else who is into you.
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