I`ve been living with this guy for 2.5 yrs. He is 16 years older and I thought age would bring s certain sense of security. I was wrong. He is so insecure about himself it is baffling. He was married for 34 years has 2 grown daughters and a succesful business.
He left his wife 5 yrs ago in pursuit of freedom. Mid-life crisis I would guess. When we met it was for fun, I had no intention of falling for him. It was he that started acting sad when I would go to work. He said I love you first. He made all the moves and eventually I fell for him too.
I realized soon he was a controlling person, which was hard to work through but slowly it is adjusting. I just have to not let guilt get in the way when I have nothing to feel guilty about.
Anyways my big problem is that whenever something is missing be it his cell phone, his sunglasses, or even money, he instantly accuses me of stealing. I am not a theif and have never stollen a red cent from him. I have consistently proven him wrong. It is always his mistake. He has forgotten his glasses somewhere or miscounted his money. Time and agian I have proven myself reliable and trustworthy.
What is this crap all about? Does he really not trust me or is it his way of getting me to find his mistakes. And when he is proved wrong he won`t even appologize, what`s up with that? Please someone give me some insight.
Responses to this article:
--- Saturday, October 9, 2004 -
Answer by: Emma
Sue - you are one sensible lady & I commend you.
You're obviously very level-headed; you're just unlucky with guys. There are so many decent guys out there but sometimes it can feel as though they're all complete JERKS. I agree that you should view this as a 'test', as a kind of reality check for you to come to terms with what you need to change in your life.
Rest assured that you won't feel this way for long, once you're out of your current situation. I'm not making assumptions but I've found from experience that how you feel about yourself more often than not has a direct effect on how others treat you - this is especially true with guys (I've seen it with friends of mine). If you don't feel 'worthy' of a loving relationship then some men who are jerks will sense this & play on it, using it to keep you with them... it's all about control.
I wish you all the best, Sue - for the coming months & for your bright future. No one should be treated like dirt; I can only imagine how infuriating it is for all of your hurt & pleads to fall on deaf ears.
He'll no doubt realise what he had when you're gone. Not that I think you would but be sure to keep that door firmly closed. You'll make some guy very happy one day but for now you've just gotta keep on being strong... time spent being single & independent can work wonders.
When you feel ready to find someone else, why not get more heavily involved in the things YOU like to do? Clubs, societies & so on are great for meeting like-minded people & no doubt since you share the same interests you'll find some potentially great guys who won't be able to figure out why on earth you're single!!
Also Sue, to make yourself less of a jerk-magnet, all you need to do is to boost your self-esteem & raise your standards. You have so much to offer, you just don't fully realise it.
Remember though, just because you've been unlucky with guys in the past - this in no way reflects how things are going to be from here on. You just need to meet the right one... they can come along at any time in our lives - time is no factor.
Best of luck, Sue. I hope everything works out. You're in my thoughts & prayers :)
--
--- Friday, October 8, 2004 - it`s only a matter of time
Answer by: neverbeenloved
Thanks guys and gals for your insight, although more than anything I would love to get inside his head.
Emma you are right that 34 years is a long marriage to walk away from. I was not the reason he left though, he left for some other women and that got ugly with his family. Anyways this is a repeating pattern in my life that I am only fully seeing since being with him. I always blamed the guys for being jerks, which they are, but I too have work to do in order not to let jerks pick me anymore.
They say everything has a reason, I believe this relationship has taught me to really heal myself, although as long as I am here that will be virtually impossible.
I have tried to explain how it hurts me not to be trusted, because I pride myself on my trustworthyness. It is one of my best qualities, so the first time he did it I absolutely lost all sense of reason. I guess like you say I am getting used to the `quirk` also spelled `jerk`. However his time is running out and so are my patients, that is why I am writing. Every effort I make to explain my feelings are met with ridicule and rolling of the eyes and whatever other childish behavior he can think of. So you can imagine that counselling is out and my only recourse will be to leave. However sometimes life needs to be straightened out first before drastic moves can be made.
I am in the process of doing just that, straightening out my life so when I leave here I am not left in a lurch. I think for all I have done for him I do not deserve to do that to myself. So that answers your question Gregg as to why I am still here. A few more months and I will be in a good position to leave, if he has not heard my pleas by then.
Thanks again
Sue
--- Friday, October 8, 2004 -
Answer by: Emma
Gregg's right, relationships are about trust & this is blatantly missing from yours. Really, you should NOT be putting up with this...
Why he's like this, I can't tell, you say he's insecure - perhaps he can't see why you'd want to be with him & he's desperately trying to give you a reason to leave?
From your pseudonym there seems to be a lot more missing from your relationship than just trust. Everyone deserves to be loved & often if you become too used to someone's behaviour or you've adjusted too much to their 'quirks' you can lose sight of how a relationship should be...
You're questioning how he's treating you so stand up to him - tell him it hurts you that he can't trust you & that his accusations are out of order. If he still refuses to believe you or apologise for his, quite frankly, weird behaviour then find someone else.
Life's too short to be treated like dirt so put your needs first. Staying in the situation, with how it currently is, will only make you resent the time you're wasting.
Talk to him but since you give him no reason not to trust you, I think he might be difficult to reason with. Though, I hope I'm wrong...
Also, 34 years is a LONG time to be married to someone. To then leave for a mid-life crisis is extreme - maybe he's not over this? Whatever his reasons, you shouldn't have to bare the brunt of them.
Good luck
--- Friday, October 8, 2004 - Good Question
Answer by: Gregg@LoveIsGreat.com
It sounds like he does has problems. Maybe in need of some professional counseling. Have you asked him why he always accuses you of stealing? And why are you still with him, when he is showing total lack of trust in you?
LOVE QUESTIONS & ANSWERS: Love Q & A : Get your love & relationship questions answered - NEW!! Love Q&A Forum | Old Love Q&A Love Pros : Professional Help with love's challenges & relationships
