Hi - - - About a year and a half ago I broke up with the first love of my life. He was my first serious boyfriend, and we had started dating junior year of hs and broke up the summer before my senior year of college. So it was a long relationship, and we had talked of marriage and children and what not. However I had begun to lose interest for about a year before I finally broke it off. And for this reason, and also because I felt I needed to see what else there was to experience, ie what other fish there were in the sea, I broke up with him. It was hard and it hurt, especially because I knew how muchit hurt him
He insisted that we cut off allcommunication, because thats what he said he needed to do to move on. I dated a few guys, and then about 4 months after the breakup I met and fell in love with another guy. We have been in a long distance relationship since then. This new guy, we'll call him Ronald, is much more romantic and has a greater ability to "sweep me off my feet" as they say. However he is also more emotionally volatile, and has several personal habits that I don't approve of like drinking and playing poker. THe drinking esp bothers me because his mother is an alcoholic. It is also hard to really gauge how well we will be together when/if we live together or even in the same state! I do truly love him and he makes me very happy, but also at times makes me very unhappy and lately we have been fighting more.
Now, in the past few weeks I have started thinking about old guy, we'll call him Stan, pretty frequently, and comparing everything Ronald does to how Stan would have done it. Stan and I recently began talking again, then last night we both attended the engagement party of a mutual friend. I ended up telling him I missed him and had never stopped thinking about him and we had a long talk. He said that he has never gotten over me and hasnt been able to like anybody else since we broke up. He says all he's ever wanted is to be back together with me, but he needs to know that I am certain about getting back together with him before he can let himself back into the relationshp, which obviously I understand completely and don't ever want to hurt him ever again.
I know that telling him I missed him w/o being sure what I wanted was selfish and I feel horrible about it now. So now I need to figure out who I want to be with, old guy Stan or new guy Ronald.
With Stan I know he will always love me and would do anything for me and he is an amazingly sweet guy and I hate seeing him upset and I know i love him. I think that we would lead a happily content life together. THe biggest problem I can forsee in that relationship would be a lackluster sex-life, as I was never as attracted to him as I am Ronald.
With Ronald I think that there will be very happy times but also very tumultuous and bad times. I think our sex life would always be good, but worry that the issues that are already contentious b/t us now, such as drinking, poker, and politics, might only get worse. But he has made me extremely happy for the year I have been with him, except for several fights, mostly recently, and I don't know if I can give up that happiness. I also don't want to hurt him, and know that breaking up with him will devastate him. HOwever I am pretty sure that unlike Stan, Ronald would never be there for me a year from now.
So, that was longwinded, but would greatly appreciate any advice anyone could offer me. Thank you!
Responses to this article:
--- Sunday, November 14, 2004 -
Answer by: sam
Well, after reading your post, my first initial thought is: "Why does she feel like she needs to be with anybody?" I ask this because it seems like you really DON'T need to be in a relationship with anyone at this time, period -- but that you need to continue to play the field and to continue to see what else is out there.
You say you love these two men, and I don't doubt that you care for them, and perhaps you do love Stan in some ways due to your history -- but my opinion of the situation is that you are not in love with either of these two guys. If you were -- then that would be the end of it, you wouldn't be wondering who to be with. Not that I'm saying you aren't being smart questioning these men -- but the thing is, Ronald may be the "guy of the moment" but he probably isn't long-term material. You mention that you two are experiencing a long distance relationship. Well, ok... this relationship isn't going to work at all to begin with, not only because the guy drinks and gambles and you are wondering about him to begin with, but because if you are in a relationship with someone -- you shouldn't exactly be going over to the old boyfriend and telling him how much you missed him. That's not fair to you nor to either of thse guys. What is all comes down to is you need to make a choice here -- to be with one guy, or to be single. Personally with my experience it seems like simple psychology is telling the audience here that you are just "wanting" a man around to be with that has a decent "resume'", that you do not want to be with a man because you genuinely are in love and genuinely want to build a relationship. Seriously, don't be so needy -- you are a smart girl being in college and all and you don't need a man or phoney relationship to make you happy. At this time it is probably best that you are single, playing the field, while doing some soul-searching. Give yourself time to decide what it is that you want in life, and what you are seeking in a mate. If Mr. Right happens to grace your life, you'll know it -- and believe me, the answers will be there right in front of you.
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