Title: Long-distance/young relationship

By: jeff_all_over

Hello there,
I’m a 26-year-old guy, am a doctor myself, currently working in multinational firm. I’m a hopelessly romantic person. I’m also GAY. I used to be very optimistic, seemingly cheerful person, and quite courageous person, but for the last 2-3 weeks I’m feeling really down and depressed and low. It’s because of love. & I’m feeling suicidal.

First of all I should describe a few details about me & I’m sorry that this mail is gonna be a long one. I come from a troubled family. My parents used to fight a lot. My elder brother was a problem child. He got spoiled. Never finished the studies. My mom never gave us much of her attention.

Anyway I grew up attracted to the boys and men. Suffered a lot of problems and pain during my teens. I also got sexually abused repeated in my very early teen or may be when I was even younger. So young that at that time I had no idea what sex was and when I shouldn’t have had any sexual exposure. In any case I think I’m over it now. [Will I ever be?? ]

After being sexually abused. I got even more interested in boys and men, but for some strange reason I couldn’t have anal sex with any guy. I used to think like a girl. Waiting for the perfect guy, the right time, at right place, in VERY romantic environments. I had this kinda image of an ideal guy for my self, like, u know the typical teen-aged-girl’s-dream-guy, like big tall huge, cute, good-looking, handsome, drop-dead-gorgeous, etc etc. I waited and waited and waited & people kept on taking advantage of me. Using me. Emotionally. I hooked up with some guys, just a few, but things never seemed to work out. It seemed like all they were interested in was my booty and nothing else.

Then I went abroad. Studied medicine. While there, & before my final exams of the MBBS. I was having a chat in a gay chat room. I was on the webcam, in the most horny and raunchy kind of chat room. There I just found out a guy, who was from my own country, I just messaged him to chat & that could I see him. He said ok, but that he was not showing much. I said ok. We started to chat. & Boy what a guy he is??? He is so damn cute. So polished. So nice, decent, cute, stylish, attractive, drop-dead-gorgeous, highly qualified, young, & above all with very good manners. We were chatting and I found him good looking but I wasn’t really falling in love with him then, but then he did some thing & said something during our that first chat session, that I instantly fall in love with him. I had waited all my life for some one like him. & Lucky me that I found him. The problem is he is VERY VERY VERY rich. He comes from an extremely well off family. They have this really big business and lots of land in our rural areas. He went abroad for higher studies [USA] but now he’s back and has no plans for going back.

We exchanged our pictures and he seemed genuinely interested in me then. He had recently been out of a relationship he said. So I asked him what he was looking for? & He replied that at that time [about 5 months back] he was only looking for some nice friendship, may be with some added benefits, but not a relationship. Not at this time. That’s okay with me, since I’ve already fallen in love with him. By the way he said that he was not gay, just BI.
We exchanged our e-mail addresses, pics and telephone numbers. After that I kept on mailing him.

Now, I got so obsessed about him that I got his pics all printed out. I used to have those pics in my books. I thought I’ve found the love of my life, my ideal. I knew that he was not gay, just bi and that a few years later, he will decide that he wants to settle down and that, that would be it for me, but I’m even okay with that. Frankly speaking, I come from such a cultural and religious background, that I can’t think of settling down with a guy for my life. I can’t even think of coming out, other wise I would be killed openly. In any case I had decided a long time ago that I would finally go to some western country for higher education and then I’ll settle down there and keep my self busy with my medical practice and that I would settle down somewhere in the west, in some more understanding and more socially and sexually tolerant society. So, I thought if he’s bi and if he’ll leave me after a few years, that won’t hurt much since I’ve been planning the same and if he won’t then I’d have to leave him to go abroad. So even that was okay for me.

Now, I wanna tell u one thing very clearly. I wasn’t interested in having sex with him. I mean I do. I mean, I do wanna have that with him, May b a lot, but not that I’m only interested in getting his pants down. I’m more interested in him as a person. I’m a Libra
& Sex would be the last thing on my mind when I meet some romantic interest. I feel more comfortable with the ideas of a more subtle romantic relationship.

I just wanna get close to him. Coz I’ve already decided that there would be no other guy in my life after him. Here or abroad, just no one else other than him. I’m crazy about him. I basically worship him. There was a time during my med. Studies, when I hadn’t slept for like 30 hours, I was overworked and preparing for one of my final tests. I was in a city other than our own, to sit in the exam. I was home sick. & at 3:00 a.m. in the morning I had no energy left in my body to even sit, let alone study anything. Then one of his pics came out of my book and oddly enough I found the strength to start study all over again, so that I pass & come back and see him, meet with him. I ‘m like I worship him. Just one look at his pic and I’m like totally out of this world. No matter how bad my mood is the moment I think about him my spirits are instantly uplifted. I feel like I could die for this dude. Yet I think this guy has no clue how deeply and intensely I feel about him. I feel if he just comes close to me, just goes to bed with me once, or even if he just kisses me once, just once, then I could go on forever without him, if he decides to dump me. That one touch and night or kiss would be enough for me for a lifetime. That how strongly I feel about him.

He said he likes slim/fit guys, so I’m basically on rabbit food and drink enough water to water a whole big garden for the last 3-4 months to lose those extra inches. I work out 7 days a week, jog on the treadmill so much people think I’m like some fugitive. I’m never really satisfied while I get up from the dinner table. And all this just because he like slim or fit guys. So I’m trying to get as fit as I could. And if I dare take one bite at some fatty food I spend the whole next day cursing my self for doing so.


He said he liked my hair long, and that it looks good on me when I have long hairs. So I started to grow my hair although I loved the short spiky hair look that I was sporting. Now a lot of my friends say that I look better with my hair longer. But I’ve been bored of that look, so I’ve changed, partly also because it takes a lot of effort to keep long hair in good shape. But since he said that it looks good on me so I started to grow my hair. And it has gotten in good condition now I guess.

I wrote all this to explain how much and how strongly I feel for him and about him.

Now he lives in the same country, but in a different city. When I came back, just out of nowhere he sent me an email that he was coming to my city to visit his home and folks. I was on cloud nine and in a hell at the same time, coz I thought I look awful and crappy and that he won’t like me after he sees me in person.

But I met him anyway. & he was even more good looking and beautiful and smart then his pics. He actually seemed to like me. and it felt as if he was interested in me before that official meeting. he was there with a 2 more of his old friends who were visiting our country from USA. Still he gave me some time alone. i said do u like me that i'm not cute and stuff and that would u still like to be friends with me. He said of course and to himself that such things don't matter b/w friends. i said but i don't look good and stuff. & i asked him wat he told his friends about me? he replied that he told them the he [me] is a friend from the internet and has studied abroad and [lucky me] is cute, but this last cute thing he said in a kind of smiling and amusing way, almost as if he was trying to flatter me or may be i think he said it that way, i don't know. Oh he's so cute and nice. he's everything.

anyways. after that one brief meeting he went back to his city, where he works. But u know wat? i was in a complete state of a shock while i was there with him. i was totally Euphoric. i honestly had no idea wat was going on b/w us. i don't know wat or how i talked to him about. i just remeber that i was with him. by the way v were not drunk , v were in a shopping mall, just going around and he was shopping. & i only feel his presence. his warm smile. his reassuring manner. oh he's way too coool and decent and nice.

anyways. he went back to his city. Now the thing is he belongs to a very rich social class. i mean he's practically the untouchable. he studied from abroad, i mean from USA. he didn't had to work there to support him or his study. then when he came back, got his job in this poshest city of our country, his father just gifed him with a fully furnished appartment, complete with 2-3 servants, of course in the poshest area of that city. Now i know such thing don't matter in love, but the point is i don't know whether he's in love with me or not. Not on the likely , i guess because he mentioned earlier that he only wanted a friendship with some added benefits at most.

Now the thing is, i belong to the middle/working class group. my father's a retired engineer. i just recently came back from abroad. right now, i'm totally broke. i can't practice medicine now, coz first i've to sit in a registration / licensing exam first. so i started a job in some computer firm, only so that i could get some money and buy a cell phone, only so that i could communicate with him. well i do call him sometimes from the phone booths. but that doesn't feel good and intimate. so i wanna buy a cell phone only coz of him. i don't have a car or a motor bike either.

Now 2 weeks back i had a chat with him. he casually asked, after the pleasantaries, that have u found some one nice??? he's asked that before in one of his chats with me, just casually , but i didn't pay it much attention then. But this time i was like hey y would i be finding some one, when i've u. so he said u r insane. like v hardly get to see each other and v live in two different cities and stuff. i said , the little i see of u , enough for me, more than enough for me. infact i'm so obsessed about him that i've saved every transcript of every chat that i've ever had with him on the internet. i often go to those saved pages and go over and over again on those chats that i had with him.

But after that last little chat i'm miserable. I feel, don't know y? that he may be just may be he thinks i'm some cheap, all sexed up, crazy lad, who thinks he's hit the jackpot by knowing this cute guy and that i'm may only interested in his body only, i mean only interested in having sex with him. or may be that, i 'm just too low standard or that i'm the kind of gay bitch who sleeps around with every guy he finds. or stuff. i don't know.

i've been continually depressed for the last 3 weeks. then he came to our city again on these holidays. i knew he's come. then i called his place and asked his servant against all of my will, when did he arrived and he told me that he's been here for the last 2 days. & he didnt' even call me or sent me offline messages or an e-mail. i was miserable beyond words. coz i thought that that was it. he's not interested in me anymore.

But then i called him on his cell phone. & he sounded kinda excited and really nice as usual and very much interested. he was at his friend's place that night. my spirits were immediately uplifted. i've asked him repeatedly whether, we'll get a chance to see each other when he's here. and every time he said, yeah sure. but then during the course of this week, i've tried to contact him several times. v've talked, he seems to insist me on calling him only on his cell phone, coz , he said he doesn't usually answer the landline. which is true , i guess, since everytime i call him, his servant seems to answer it.

see the thing is i want him completely. i want everything i can get from him, i mean if i can get a committment from him or relationship with him, that would be like heaven on earth for me. but if he can't give me that then i'll settle for anything. i mean just friendship with added benefits, or jus a one night stand , or just a kiss, or if he just holds me once in his arms or if nothing else then just friendship alone. but if friendship only then i wanna be his closest buddy he could have ever had. & that's the least i could get. i won't settle for anything less. i can't stand him being treating me like just a formal/fair-weather friend, taking into account my feelings for him. the problem i think is this he doesn't know the intensity of my feelings for him, since v have only met once.

but for the last 3 weeks i can't sleep at nights, morning noon night , every time i can't seem to think of anything else other than him. i can 't eat anything, when i sit to have dinner or anything, i just don't feel like eating. i'm only living on cups of tea for the like last 3 weeks. i feel sick and weak. infact the very next day i had that little chat with him, i was so depressed and downright disappointed that i feel so sick that i had this high fever. i 'm working well enough at my office. thankfully my boss is a very nice guy and is very understanding. all the time i have to keep a straight face around everyone coz they don't know wat i'm going thru. & it take more than a little effort on my part. i've cried multiple times, whole nights, during the course of these 3 weeks. i feel i should be left alone. i just want him so bad. to be mine. to just hold me once if not anything else.

i feel this way i can't go on. he's like worlds apart. he belongs to a totally different world. while i belong to a totally real world. i've fought for every thing that i have till now. i mean i've fought with life. i've to work thru life to get everything. & he's like a gifted person in every sense. one thing is sure that guy is VERY VERY HONEST about every thing i ask about him. he never tells me any lies. he's great.

See in this part of the world people have a lot of insecurities and inferiority complexes, specially about their compexions, if they have darker complexions. i've never had any & just about any such complexes. i've wheatish complexion by the way. i'm not fair. but people have always been telling me it's on the fairer side. and that i'm quite attractive. i don't know if i'm good looking or not but i know that i'm definitely not ugly , coz i never have any trouble attracting the person i'm after. infact my guy also says that i'm kinda cute. but just because of him i'm getting all sorts of these stupid insecurities and complexes. Like if i had a very fair & smooth complexion may be he would have gone nutts about me. like i'm may be not good looking enough. or if only i were also rich he may have been more interested in me. although i know that beauty is only skin deep and besides he's just way too kool to think about such crappy things but still i can't just keep these stupid thoughts out of my mind. see i'm getting crazy.

now don't laugh, but technically speaking i'm still a virgin [from a gay point of view] . i mean i've never allowed anyone to have anal sex with me. i had only had a few make out sessions or mutual jerk outs but nothing more. the point is, being a libran i believe in love, first and foremost. sex is only secondary to me. besides i know i can have any men and any number of them, whenever and wherever i want, since whenever i've tried to know a few guy thru the chat rooms and met them all of them have turned crazy about me. it took a great effort on my part to get rid of them at those times. anywayz.

The point is i've always waited for some one special & i think he's that some one very special. i've already decided that he & only he will be the one for me. whether he touches me or not. loves me or not. i'm his and only his . forever. now , no other guy is going to as much as touch me. i can live with his few mails and pics for the rest of my life. i know it sounds crazy and insane and impossible but i'm like that. i'm already 26. a lot of time has passed already. if i can spend 26 years alone just waiting for some one , i can spend the rest of my life with someone's image in my thoughts as well. this is how i think and feel and function. i'm like this. & all the time i do realize that even if i have a two-way, full blown affair with him, it could only last a year or two at most, since he's bi. but i could be his friend forever.

Now the problem is i feel very much ignored and neglected. i know that he doesn't understand my obsession about him or the intensity with which i feel for him. also i know that he's continously busy while he's here, since he has a awfully big friends' circle, that he has attend to while he's here and that he barely knows me if he knows me at all. but still i can't help feeling so bad. i'm going crazy about him. a week earlier, i woke up at 3: 00 a.m. in the morning with the realization that he's acting formally just because he doesn't know the intensity of my feelings for him. so y don't i fix a date with him while he's here & at least inform him about my feeling for him, while not asking for a comittment, since he already told me that he doesn't want a relationship. i felt better for the next day, but then, i realized how low it would be. it would b like throwing my self at him. like i have no self esteem. i mean i want him so badly, more than anything in the world. but at the same time i don't want him to think that i'm desperate [for having sex] or that i'm just a fool who goes crazy after any guy who winks at him. Quite honestly wat else would u think of a guy telling u that he's crazy about u, with whom you have just had a few webcam chats and whom you have just met once. so i again feel miserable.

i've always felt like i'm living a robotic life, without love. but i always believed that when i go abroad for study, then may be and just may be, i'll find some one there who could b that special some one. so i've every thing in life bravely. with hope.

But now i think, if things don't work out for me, to be with him. then there's nothing left in life for me. i can as well commit suicide. i've always hated the idea of comitting the suicide, coz i thought that it was the most cowardly thing one can do. but now i feel. wats the point in living when u don't feel alive [ i borrowed that line from the movie tomorrow never dies] but i feel its the case with me. i don't believe in a life where there is no love. love has been like my religion. my only true inspiration. i so believe in love. i , now never watch a romantic movie coz i always end up crying at those romantic movies and novels , no matter how emotional or deep or superficial or cheesy or corny those movies and novels are.

so i believe wats in there in the life for me if i have no love. i mean if i don't have his love. or even attention. ???? i know if i live, i can find any number of guys. infact a lot of guys. interesting guy. may be a hell lot better then him. infact i'm also gaining a lot of attraction from some guys at the gym. but the point is either him or no one. or may be. JUST HIM, NO ONE ELSE.

besides since i'm not out of the closet. i don't have any one to turn to. to get any advice. or at least share the biggest happiness/sorrow [love] of my life. i'm going crazy about him. it hurts so bad. it feels so bad. i feel like i had everything when i had his pic and felt that he's interested in me, even when i haven't met him. i was happy. that i finaly have some one. now one very painful idea is nagging at the back of my head for some time and that is : Am i really in love??? or i'm just in love with the idea of being in love??? i don't think that it is true , from the crazy way i feel for him. can u u tell me ???

I'm so sorry that i'm bothering you with all this emotional crap of mine. & writing you this big , huge never ending mail, but please try to understand, i've no one else whom i could turn to. there's no one i can talk to . not even a single friend with whom i could share all this. And this is all too hard to take for me now. so please help me. tell me????

Please tell me wat to do now , to get him ? i mean to know him better? to be his best friend if nothing else???
tell me wat to do???
how can i make this so called long-distance-relationship really work???
Shall i meet him???
shall i tell him all this stuff, about how much i feel for him ???? or not????
how can i help my self not feeling bad about me???
how can i stop feeling this much depressed???
tell me, am i really crazy/insane??? or real people really feel this way when then r in true love???
tell me , am i really in love??? or its just a crush or a passing infatuation???
Does he really like me?? or even love me??
Or i'm just another face in the crowd of his friends???
please comfort me??? or give me a hard hitting reality check???
Please help???

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Saturday, November 20, 2004 -
Answer by: Emma

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Friday, November 19, 2004 - damn boy
Answer by: beebee

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Thursday, November 18, 2004 -
Answer by: Enigma