I am deeply in love with a wonderful man that I've been with for over 4 years. He's 47, I'm 44. We live an hour apart, and see each other 2 to 4 times a week at either my home or his, and spend the night together those days. He's romantic, loving, and kind, and we share many common interests. We've traveled together, and really enjoy each others company. Wherever we go, he's always reaching out to hold my hand, caress me, and it's so wonderful! Here's the part that is just destroying me though. I very badly want to take our relationship to deeper committment. In short, I want to live with, and marry him! He doesn't. He has a horrible nervous system, and has taken meds since he was in his early 20's. Change of any kind is extremely hard on him. He has lived in his mother's home for 43 of his 47 years (she passed away this past spring) He once was married for about 3 years, and has remained close friends with his ex-wife (and her live-in boyfriend of the past 8 years) Since he divorced her, he had not dated ONE SINGLE WOMAN in the ensuing 20plus years, till I came along, minus two women he had a one night stand with. Strange, huh? The logical side of me says I have a wonderful easy situation, with a wonderful man, but my heart is just ACHING so badly, I want to grow this relationship! I don't want to just DATE someone for the rest of my life! We've discussed this, with tears and anguish all around, and he gets so sick afterwards, his nervous system cannot handle stress or discord of any kind. Please, anyone, your thoughts on this!
Responses to this article:
--- Monday, November 22, 2004 - Not worth your time
Answer by: Macabre
This may sound harsh but.... At a certain point in our lives, we either retreat behind out flaws, fears, and past; or we find the courage, strength, and motivation to move forward and overcome what may stand in our way. In his situation, yes he does have a problem with his nervous system...but, what kind of lame excuse is that? He reaches out to hold your hand, you embrace....is that not change from being divorced and living a solitary life? The relationship you described, I would call the type found between two close lovers, and thats what it is. Although you dont say it, I'm assuming the two of you have slept together, though correct me if I'm wrong. That should be enough for you to realise that the problem isnt his "nervous system" the problem is him. He cannot, for one reason or another, label you as wife, although the relationship is one of a married couple. He cannot deal with your moving in and marriage....he obviously cant get over whatever happened between his ex wife. In short, he cant seem to overcomem the past, which is a hard thing for anyone to do, but what hes doing to you is not fair at all. Hes using his nervous system as an excuse to escape the responsibilities he has towards you as a lover of FOUR years. By now you have every riht to want to take this relationship further, and hes hurting you by being a spineless inane wuss, excuse the harsh words.... ....Well, I've probably done nothing but rant...however, I suggest you either confront him directly, and not leave until something has been resolved - either the relationship will progress or it is over. You obviously want a relationship where the couple live together and are married...if cant give you that, but can give you everything else (embraces, sex, physical comforts) then hes not worth it. In every relationship both parties must sacrifice for one another, the nature of a close relationship is one where the two people emotionally, physically, and spiritually suport one another....you are giving him your all, while he is holding back.
Best of luck, if you have any questions, or simply need someone to talk to, know that I am here. You may find me at amoureuxmort@yahoo.com -Macabre
"Our prime purpose in this life is to help others. And if you can't help them, at least don't hurt them. " - His Holiness the Dalai Lama
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