Title: Sam, I need more help please.

By: tromag

First of all Sam, THANKS for your time and advice. I know that this is going to be long but it is all the things that I am not sure about.

I just found out that she has met someone. She said that she didn't want to discuss any of it with me which I said that I didn't expect her to. She had also told me that she still cares for me and that she couldn't bring herself to hate me or even be indifferent. (Am I right in thinking that is another way to say I just want to be friends?) She did say that she is "giddy" about him but that she didn't know what was going to happen. I told her that I understand.

Since that happened I kind of deduced that I shouldn't try to contact her very often. I think that I could manage only calling to say Hi( and really just call to say Hi), just one or twice a month. I did tell her that I am thinking of her and of course will always be, and that if there was anything that she wanted to talk about that I would be very happy if she were to chose me to talk to.

Oh yeah, there is another thing too. Previously I had been giving her money each month($400/month not because she asked but because I wanted to) because when we had been together, she had transferred a lot of my debt to her cards. I had told her that I didn't want her to do it but she wouldn't stop until I let her do it. I know I should have just told her that it wasn't going to happen, but I ended up letting her transfer the debt. For a while when she brought it up, I would tell her that I never asked her to do it and then I realized that if I wanted to really make the relationship work, I shouldn't address it that way because it was too much like "I wouldn't have if you hadn't made me." And that is no way to repair a wounded relationship. Well now when she mentions it, she always starts out, "I know you didn't ask me to, but I did." And I feel like she is trying to hold it over my head.How should I handle it the next time she brings it up?

I hadn't been paying for the last couple of months and she knows that it was because I was unemployed, which within the next three weeks should be rectified. I know its the vindictive part of me that is thinking that if she is going to see someone else then why should I continue to give her the money each month. AM I right in thinking that and stop sending her money or should I just continue to send her the money without out drawing attention to it. Am I right in thinking if I want to show her that I have changed from my old ways that I should send her the money or am I just trying to do anything to get back into her favor?

I had also thought about talking to her Aunts because she had said that she never wanted to have happen to her what happened to her Aunts. Three of them had found out that their husbands had been doing dope and two of them ended up getting divorced. I wanted to ask them if they wished that something could have been done to make things work for them. Because I thought it might be in my favor to tell her that if she took me back, she would be doing something her Aunts couldn't make happen. Of course that is not a thing I would plan on saying to her anytime soon. Which leads me to the last thing that I would like your advice on.

I had been planning that in July(which is going to be one year clean for me) I would try and hopefully begin to be the one she wanted to be with again. Point out the things that I had been like or been doing, that I was no longer doing those things and not like anything that I had been. I know that I can't go "gangbusters" on trying to convince her but try and point things out subtly and over a little time.

So, that is all that I would like to have advice on and if you have managed to come up with any advice at all, I would greatly appreciate it. Thanks once again for your time.

---
Monday, December 27, 2004 -
Answer by: sam