I have dated my ex-boyfriend for 8 years. I have recently broken up with him again for the 10th or more time. My ex is a recovered alcoholic of 24 years. My father is a drinker. He is 10 years older than myself. He is not as affectionate ( my father was never affectionate)or spontaneous as I would like. He is a good listener. He would do anything for me. He is faithful and trustworthy. He tends to be a bit controlling when it comes to his affections. He will kiss me when he wants to. If I make the move, he backs off or says later. Sex is one way and one way only. I need a man who is warm, easy-going, calm affectionate and fun to be around. This man has many limitations and I can't always be who I want to be. I tend to walk on eggs. (I am also co-dependent). Knowing all this, I can't seem to get over him. I have not gone back out with him in 6 months. Yet if I run into him at a dance or social function. I get all crazy inside. He always says I have a lot of fears and that I keep running away. The times that we have been apart, we never dated anyone. And he always took me back. Also, he is not a healthy man. I would be his nurse if I continued seeing him. I don't want to be tied down that way. I am 48 and he is 58. Why can't I let him go? Am I trying to get something from him that my father could not give me? Sorry this is so long. Thanks
Responses to this article:
--- Monday, January 10, 2005 -
Answer by: Emma
Thank you so much for your kind words :) Your response really puts my mind at rest!
You see, I felt somewhat compelled to "ramble on" in my initial response mainly because I had so very much to say, so much encouragement to give you - I could see this lady who had put so many people before herself in her life & who longed for a little "let up" time for herself. Who longed for a change...
A change, I think, is what you need to make the most of life - so many people are selfish, it's all "me, me, me" & "what do I get out of it?" - you have many admirable qualities in this respect.
Remember yl, you are ALWAYS stronger than you give yourself credit for & from what you say about coping as a divorcee with two children to raise, I really do take my hat off to you - anything else should be a breeze! But seriously, it sounds to me as though you've done an awesome job. No doubt, you've raised two very decent, mature, level-headed young citizens so you really do have an awful lot to be very proud of.
It's really good to hear that you can handle being alone since this will inevitably follow once your daughter flys the nest to attend college. Many women don't have this strength. Also, once you put an end to the relationship with this guy you must try hard to make your intentions clear. So often on this site, I hear of women finding themselves dragged again & again back to a guy who's a drain on them simply because it's "routine" &, I guess I can understand, it's easier said than done to break free from that.
Bear in mind the rewards of cutting those ties I always advise - you know already that you have to get more for yourself from life. You only get one life, it ain't no dress rehearsal.
It'll be scary at first & very different but I'm sure you realise this already. I'm so excited for you! Always look on the bright side & keep on trying new things. One day you'll look in the mirror & realise the immense change in yourself. All of which you, yourself can take the credit for.
Believe in yourself, that's all you have to do. I sense, you're afraid of letting people down but you should never feel guilty. You should never feel guilty, you've been a rock to so many people - now's your turn. Turn the other cheek to any criticism, you don't need anyone bringing you down or telling you what you should or should not be doing. You can do anything if you truly put your mind to it...
I just wanted to say also, I'm a Christian & I really would like to express how much the Lord loves you. Place trust in Christ. He's watching over you & He's with you every step of the way. As I am, but in an online-kinda-way! :)
Good luck with the dance classes! That's an excellent place to meet fun people ;) Always think positive, you are in my prayers.
Oh yes - if ever you feel the need to talk to someone you're guaranteed to find a friend here on loveisgreat, I'll be here & I'll remember "yl". I really hope things work out. Believe in yourself, that's all you need to do - I'm sure your children do already.
Sorry this is a long reply again!! Good luck! If you like, do keep us posted!
Emma x
--- Sunday, January 9, 2005 - Hard Time Letting Go
Answer by: yl
Dear Emma,
Thank you so much for your response to my dilemma. Your sincerity, straightforwardness and candidness is truly appreciated. Today is Sunday and Sunday's are always bad for me for some reason. I came home from the market and got your reply. It made me cry because I do want more for my life. And, I won't settle.
I have two children. My son is off to college. My daughter will be attending college out of state in June 2005. I have done my job in raising my children with all the important values and love to the best of my ability as a divorced parent. Luckily, I have been blessed because neither one of them has given me an ounce of trouble.
Once my daughter is out of the house, I will start taking dance lessons, another thing I couldn't do too well with my b/f. He would get very upset if I side-stepped or couldn't keep the beat. I love being alone so that will be a plus. I will also attend more Alanon meetings and preferably some CODA meetings too.
Life as I realized is too short. And I could not waste another 10 years in a relationship that was not good for me. Thank God I came to my senses to start again.
Thank you so much again.
--- Sunday, January 9, 2005 -
Answer by: Emma
Okay, wow! You are, indeed, one tough lady!
I just want to pick up on one thing which should really be the driving force behind your decision to move on, for good. When I read it, it seemed to sum up, somehow, how you're really feeling about everything...
"I need a man who is warm, easy-going, calm affectionate and fun to be around. This man has many limitations and I can't always be who I want to be"
You're much older & wiser than I am but I have, I believe, a level-head on my shoulders & also a fair amount of experience of pain from family relationships mostly, for my years but... one thing I know for sure is that (healthy) relationships should allow you to be yourself completely & to be loved for exactly that.
Trust in me when I say, WHEN (& I'm praying that the Lord will see fit to bless you in this way, after all of your struggles & the strength that you still manage to possess) you are blessed with a man with much less & hopefully very little emotional baggage, someone who will look deep into your eyes & love the soul he sees, this turmoil will evaporate along with all of the other worries your life may have.
This is what I'm, personally, holding out for but I am fortunate enough not to have any emotional drains on me. This relationship you're in with this guy, as you point out, lacks so much - you clearly have a good idea of the type of guy you want to be with.
Tear down these emotional barriers. Nothing is preventing you from attaining what you desire. You deserve a loving, healthy relationship. You are still young enough to find love again; you're perhaps at the best mature age to give it the last real go!
I feel, & it is just my opinion, that you find it so difficult to let this man go because of your father. I'm reading an interesting book at the minute about deeper wounds which can lie undetected, undisturbed for years if you choose, for whatever reason, to shut your mind off to it.
If the only option for you is to be this man's Nurse then you should really start listening to those alarm bells which are sounding in your head. Ten years, at your age, in an unfulfilling relationship, with an unfit man is a LOT.
I know it sounds harsh but this can't be what you want since your relationship with this man is so very unfulfilled. You crave to start living, to start being yourself, to let yourself be loved by a man who brings out the best in you. Not someone who brings you down & leaves you unsatisfied.
Someone who will satisfy you both physically & emotionally awaits you. All you have to do is answer the question...
"Is this enough? Or do I want another go at life?"
I realise, nothing is ever black & white but it sounds to me as though you should quit looking for the affection, that you once lacked from your father, from this man & strive to date other men or at least be single for a while. Don't ever start restricting yourself to something which, in the end, will kill your soul, put your needs first, right at the forefront, even if it may seem to be the most selfish thing in the world to do, you need to do it if it feels right in your heart.
You know what, I skipped reading the last sentence of your post -
"Am I trying to get something from him that my father could not give me?"
In a word - YES. And in order to salvage some happiness before you make a decision which might make it too late you need to deal with this & do something about it.
Please put yourself first, someone very close to me who has ten years on you is only just beginning to put herself first after satisfying what everyone else wanted from her for so many years. Though, it is not too late - we both feel as though this is all long overdue.
Sure, it's tough but isn't a new way of life always like that at the start? Don't settle for less, there's a whole World out there - start slowly. Explore your hobbies & interests; get involved in clubs/societies. It's scary at first but as your confidence builds you will, I promise, discover a new you. Don't wait around a day longer, life is way too short.
Best of luck. You know what you have to do & whilst, it may be against your nature to disappoint, sometimes circumstance & past experiences call for it - for your own well-being.
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