Title: sean here with the nun story

By:

ok, my name is sean for those of you who dont know, and then there are those of u who wrote in response to my situation involving someone who wants (wanted) to be a nun. so much has happened over the past month, but its hard to get an understanding out of it. i had to go thru an analysis of everything that has happened, and im still left wih questions on my mind. i would like second opinions. i know its a lot of writing but please bare with me... for those of you who are willing to help me thank you. if you feel that it is too much to read, its ok, youre not obliged to. but i would just like help.
ok well here it goes
from the beginning-

well before i met josie, i was in love with this girl, jennifer. well the thing between us was a long distance deal. except that we were only friends. she lives in illinois, and i live in california. she knew i loved her and i expressed it to her in many ways. but she didnt feel the way i did. it took a long time until she told me, “if we lived closer to eachother, i would date u”. this totally got my hopes up after the ups and downs that i had. i felt very confident when she told me this, and i saw so much hope for a future together. we had known eachother for a few years. and during that whole time, i always had my mind set on her. i never kept my eyes open for others. jennifer did tell me that i should at least date people around my area. she was doing so, but she wasnt getting into any relationships. i figured it would stay that way, so tht me and her could go out after high school. i planned to go to her state wen i graduated. and i was so confident at that point after being depressed for so long. this was in mid-september...

well last year, a girl named josie was new to our school. she had come to one of my classes, and i didnt think anything of her. she was strange to me at first. and i found her annoying. but that was becuase of ignorance and stupidity. well, after jennifer had told me that we would date if we lived near each other, i was living in happiness again. but still, people kept saying to me, “u should find someone down here, she lives too far”. of course, i didnt want to listen. and i kept thinking about jennifer.

well, now let me describe josie to you. she was modest, poetic, and loved to read. she is also a fantastic writer. she is really different from everyone else. but it seemed lilke she had little friends. she spent her time isolated from everyone else. she is also someone with high morals, and someone who has a lot of faith. in the beginning of the year, she had taken a vow of silence. no one knew why. but she had her own reasons. it was a religious thing. we were acquaintances, and when we saw each other, like walking in the hallways or whatever, we just waved hello and what not. josie has a really pretty face, and i never thought about it before, but then i began to think-”hey, shes pretty cute” and i realized i was beginning to like her. i had a crush on josie. but i didnt want to go anywhere with it. now i had 2 people on my mind. josie and jennifer. i was still telling myself that jennifer and i would be together, and i didnt think there was any harm in just having a little crush on josie. after all, i did “love” jennifer.

well, for my english class, we had an assignment. we had to choose a word and write about its literal and figurative meanings. we also had to associate it to ourselves in a personal sense. i chose the word “flame” and represented it as love. i then talked about me and jennifer, how there was hope and all tht. i wrote about the subject with so much enthusiasm. in class the students exchanged papers to be critisized by the others. i had given it to one of my classmates, and without me knowing it he had given it to Josie. upon getting my paper back, i read her comments, all of which were positive, as i remember her first words on the paper, "that was lovely!" this was a monday.(dont ask how i remember, these things stay with me)

well, yes, after realizing i had developed a crush on her, i told my friends about it, and immediately they wanted to set me up with her. they wanted to go to boomers that friday, and they wanted me to ask her to come along. u know so we could have time to get to know eachother. so it wasnt like a date, just a friendly get together at boomers.(or was it to the movies..? one of those 2)anyway, during lunch, on thursday, as she walked thru the hall, my friends pushed me to go up to her and ask her to hang out. so i just asked, “hey are u doing anythin tomorow, cuz me and my friends were gona get together and i just wanted to know if u wanted to hang out with us”, well yeah, by this time her vow of silence had ended, which was a surprise to eveyone. so she said to me, “oh, whats tomrow, friday? oh, well i like to spend time with my family on the weekends, but thanks anyway”
well, i was let down a little. but then after lunch, wen i went to my 5th period class, josie walked in after me, and then she said to me, “Sean.. was it u who wrote tht paper?” (the one about the flame) and i said yes. we barely knew eachother. well after telling her it was me, she told me how much she had loved it, as she put her hands over her heart. i told her that i liked hers too, which she had read aloud in class. she seemed to light up. then she asked me who jennifer was, and the look she gave me was like a look of interest like she really wanted to know. And i told her, “oh just someone who lives in another state, its kinda tough”. then josie paused for a bit then said, “mine is in brazil.” this kinda hit me, so she had a bf in brazil or somethin???

well, the next day in 5th period she was making a card for one of the teachers whose wife was in the hospital. she wanted people to sign the card and write somethin nice. i went over to her and just tried to make little conversation. i am an artist so i had drawn a little somethin on the card. she asked me if i was in art and wat not. we talked a little bit.

ok, well next monday, i remember walking in the hallway, then turning around and seeing her right behind me. i said hello and asked how she was doing. we talked on our way to class. but that was prety much it for tht day. then the next day after school i had asked her if she had a screen name because i wanted to get to know her better. she didnt give it to me right there because she had to catch her bus. well that thursday i was planning on asking her out, just telling her that i was interested. well, during lunch she was in a classroom reading. i had come into class pretending i was there for other reasons, yet i had no way of approaching josephine without feeling like a fool. then, my friend heather walked in. she had put her stuff down for a second. i said hello to her, and she said hi as well, she took notice of josephine sitting down in class and pulled in closer to me. "she has a crush on you, " is wat heather told me. i was surprised. i asked her wat she had said. she told me that josephine asked her if she knew what was going on between me and jennifer, and told her that she was interested in me. i asked her when it was tht josie told her this, and heather said, “like a couple of days ago.” so it must have been said during tht week. Heather then walked out shortly after.

i approached josephine, and we talked throughout lunch. we got to know eachother better, and she gave me her email address, which she wrote on my hand herself. i had asked her if she wanted to do anything the following day, but she said she wanted family time. i respected that. i didnt tell her i liked her, and didnt bring up anything on her liking me. we were just friends.

that next monday, we spent classtime together talking for the entire hour, and then during reading period, the sub wouldnt let us talk, so i wrote josie a little note
this it wat it said-
i know the teacher wont let us talk, but i just have to say this.
i think youre cute, and i would like to go out with you sometime. so wat do u say?
she read it and wrote back quickly-
ill write you when i get home. thanks.
she handed me back the paper, and i replied ok and drew a little smiley face and handed it bak to her which made her giggle. i doubted she would say no. afterall my friend had told me tht she liked me.

then that night i got her email-

ok. before I say anything else I should say this, I'm practicing to become a nun. So you absolutely should not  plan on falling in love with me in the future or anything. You weren't the only one who thought we should get to know each other better.
If you could keep a secret I would greatly appreciate it (please)
Your friend,
Josie
P.S It's not a joke. 
 
Every one starts writing that way in the beggining, then your imagination gets so crazy you can't decipher what you wrote afterwards. What I mean is, the story moves a lot faster than the pen. I've written all my life. It used to be everything to me. I'll see you tomorrow.
I know it's not very well written but I'd rather leave it bare. There are things which will remain cheesy,
 
And what is the rest?
I attempt at truth
Should truth get dressed
 
(That's a line from on of my old poems,  it popped up. I wonder where I put them all)
In the end there are only a few things which are true and all the things we've relied on became dust. In the end too many ideas came from men who decided they could never make it into the hearts of people and so...forced themselves into their minds. Selfish men who did not care for the people and would only pretend to be men worthy of praise. Always seeking praise. People who will not be remembered tenderly are fallen into history.
In the end the truest things are the ones every one seems to ignore. They cannot be found in books.
 I know the writing sucks , I'll put more thought into it next time.
Take care of your family. Love,
Josie

the next day, she said to me 'did u get my email, o now u understsand y i cant??" i just said yeah.
i was disappointed. but wat confused me most is tht she went off telling my friend tht she "is interested in me".
And so i figured that she only said tht she had someone in brazil just as an excuse.

well i respected her decision and all, and i was cool with just having a friendship, although i still had feelings for her. and i tried to think of jennifer like i used to. i kept telling myself that i loved her, but it seemed like i had to put effort into telling myself. it didnt feel right. eventually, i had this feeling in me that i had to tell josie what kind of person i was. so i emailed her, and i just needed to tell her. i felt she was someone i could talk to. i told her that i had feelings for her, but that i was disapointed when she told me we couldnt go out cuz of the nun thing. and then, i went off telling her the history between me and jennifer which i think was a terrible mistake for me to do. i said that i was confused about how i felt, and i said tht i still had feelings for jennifer, but that i had feelings for her too and that i started liking josie becuase she was differnt from the rest. she was special to me. i even told her that heather said to me tht she was interested in me. well in school i asked her to check her email. and she did eventually, which she responded to with a beautiful letter. Well, her decision to be a nun had only been made during this summer. she always dreamt of having a true love, until she gained faith in God when she went to Argentina. Her family there was so much more different than here. this completed her. she no longer felt empty. she told me about the previous times she had fallen in love, and how she always wound up hurt in the end. She met her last love in Argentina as well, but that had to end becuase she had to return. She then said to me, "My last love. It's not hard to let go any more. All the holes have vanished because I've finaly realized I've never been alone. I want to be you friend Sean, I really do like you. But you won't see the girl I used to be anymore." she told me tht i shouldnt cling onto jennifer. she told me tht i would find love again someday when the time was right. she also told me why she had taken the vow of silence. it was so tht she could give time to her family. she also didnt deny that she told heather she liked me, but she didnt talk about it.
Well, our friendship grew stronger from then on, we spent lunch together nearly everyday, and we talked a lot and shared a lot together. We both had read Les Miserables, which we both loved. so we would talk about that among other things. every day she also wore little cross earings, and a rosary around her neck.

Well, homecoming came along, and I asked her if it would be awkard if I asked her out to the dance. she giggled and said she wasnt into those things, and tht she had only gone to one once as a joke. Of course, I only intended on asking her out as a friend. but we never went anyway.
i never intended on trying to pull her back from the nun thing. and i tried to keep focused on jennifer. and then one day i found out that jennifer wasnt all she claimed to be. she was so much differnt than i believed, and i was hurt to find such a bad side to her. i was really down for a week. but thats all it lasted. i realized jennifer wasnt worth it and tht i was better than tht. and i got over her completely within that week. but i told josie about it, and i told her how down i was. i told her tht i wish i had never met jennifer, and then she said, “well, if you had never met her, you wouldnt be who u are today.” good point.

well, i still had feelings for josie, but i knew they werent gonna go anywhere, and it was fine with me. i wasnt hurt by it at all. i loved our friendship. Well, it came to a point where josie would go to her math class for lunch everday to do her homework, since she wouldnt do it at home. I would go in with her, and just sit there, but sometimes I would become a distraction to her.
i think there were times where she was begining to get annoyed, but she always seemed to enjoy my company. i didnt think it was anything drastic.
then one day, she was locked outside of her classroom, so she couldnt do her hw, i ran into her, and we started chatting a bit. a friend of hers came by, and they began talking, and the she asked me, " so , do u 2 always eat lunch together?"
josie replied yes, and i asked her friend,"why, is there anything wrong with that?" The way she had asked if we ate togehter everyday bugged me, then she was like "oh no, i didnt mean it like in that way."
well, we were gonna have the day off the next day, so on our way to our 6th period class, i asked her wat she was gonna do the next day, she merely said, "stuff", i asked her if we could hang out, but she said she couldnt, then i started saying tht i would like to hang out sometime after school, but she said she coudlnt. "could we ever??" "probably not," was her reply. She then said to me, "i dont even know why you like to eat lunch with me, im so boring." i said to her, "I dont think ur boring, " and she just laughed, a good laugh sorta like saying, "who are u kidding, yes i am." but i think thts wat got her thinking...

well, the next week, she told me that she was going to have to take another vow of silence. She said it was to last a month. that was also the last day we spent lunch together.
From then on things began to get awkard. I felt she was trying to distance herself from me now even as a friend. We would usually walk to our last class togheter, and then split up, but this time Josie just took off to another direction without saying bye. When we were first getting to know eachother, she used to give me a bright smile when we passed by eachother in the halls. I could sorta sense her happiness through it. Now her smiles became awkward towards me, i dont know. It appeared to be like a look of discomfort. she had used the “vow of silence” as an excuse to distance herself from me.
well the more she kept ignoring me, the more it was hurting me. and i realized i was falling in love with her. like they say, u dont know wat u have until youve lost it. and i felt tht it was my fault as to why she was being driven away.
well on the Thnksgiving weekend, i had gone to NY with my family, and i visited st patricks cathedral. i wanted to get josie a souvenir, so i bought her a rosary from the church. i didnt go to school that monday because i was sick. but i did tht tuesday. this was in december.

that day was my judgement day. I wasnt sure what to expect when I spoke with Josie. It had been about 2 weeks now since she had actually struck up any conversation with me. I had the rosary in a little container, had it in my bag, sitting there. I was anxious, nervous, afraid of what was going to be said. The whole day up to my 4th period class, I was feeling like this.
Then the lunch bell rang. I got up, and Josie began making her way outside of the classroom. I called out to her. “Yes,” she said. The tone sounded cold. She didnt look my way. “Josie, can we eat lunch together today?” There was a pause, she continued walking. The rest of the class had already left the room, as did we. We both stood at the end of the hall by the doors that lead outside. Josie stopped, looked down and thought for a moment.
She looked serious. Then I got serious. “I need to talk to you, this is really important.”
Then she began.
“ok, the reason I’ve been ignoring you- it isn’t because i think you suck or anything..” a little bit of laughter came from the both of us. Of course I knew it wasnt against me because i was a bad person.
She began telling me that in order for her to become a nun, it was necessary for her to distance herself from the others. I guess it was to stay on task, to stay focused. She told me that I was pulling her away from that. I understood what she meant. Josie also noticed that at times i would get emotional. Which was another problem.
I told her, “lately, I’ve felt that I’m falling in love with you, and I know what your intentions are, I know what it is that you’re going to be, and I understand nothing could ever happen between us. It just hurts me to know that you are ignoring me. And I would be fine just to have you as my friend.”
“thats another reason why we cant. so i figured i should just stab you in the heart now. It’s for the best, don’t you see? You’ll get over it, don’t worry.” After she said this, I just asked her, “for how much longer is it going to be like this?” Her response shattered me- “always.” she told me tht spending tme with my family should help me. “it really works.”
she asked me if i was still friends with jennifer, and i said yes. but then she said, “well, why dont u try liking her again” but i told her tht i didnt wanna wind up getting hurt again by her.
We stood there in silence, I was about to break into tears, but I tried to stay strong. “In any case, I was in NY over the weekend, and I got you something.” At first she said she couldnt accept anything from me, but I told her it was from St Patricks cathedral. I showed her the rosary, and she really liked it a lot. “It’s really nice, thank you. And its good, because I lost my other one. I’ll wear it.” We continued talking about the situation, and I just kept saying “it just hurts me to know your’e ignoring me.” She thanked me for the rosary a few more times. She then told me that she was going to go away for a while to Deleware. I guess she told me this so she could let me know ahead of time that I would get the chance to get my mind off of her. But I dont know if I misheard her after she said this, but I think she said eventually she was going to end up moving to Deleware. this is unclear, dont take my word for tht. im not sure whether or not thts wat she had said. In the end, she shook my hand and said “good luck”, while I merely said, “guess I’ll see you around.”
She walked through the doors behind us, and I took off in the opposite direction, thinking over what had just happened. So that was it, that was the end of the friendship.
At the end of the day, I didn’t expect to run into her, but I did. As I waited for my friend, Josie came in my direction, and I noticed she had the rosary around her neck. I looked at her and gave her a smile, i dont know how it appeared to her, maybe she saw a look of discomfort, depression, i dont know. But unlike the other days, She returned my look with that beautiful smile she used to give me. No longer the look of discomfort on her face. I dont know what it was supposed to mean. Probably nothing. Maybe just appreciation for the rosary. She passed by me and took off. That was it.
the next day, as i walked down the hall to my 1st period class, i saw tht josie was sitting at the corner by the door; i had to walk past her. i just looked down, and then i heard her make a noise, something like a gasping sound, and i pretty much assumed she notcied me coming. She kept her head down. didnt say a word.
On my way to my 2nd period, she appeared right in front of me out of nowhere, I gave a smile, hoping she would give one back, or at least a wave of the hand, but nothing. I was in plain view. I dont know how one could have missed me. She looked off somewhere else as though I didnt exist. Maybe she really didnt see me, i dont know. it just really hurt. i felt really empty without her now. and i felt depressed, i didnt care about anything else anymore. i knew now that i loved her.

well, i took notice tht things between jennifer and i were one sided, meaning i was always the one making contact. so i wrote to her, telling her tht i no longer loved her, and tht she never keeps in touch with me, and if she still wanted to go on with our friendship. i dont know what happned after tht, but i never got her reply. so i just put closure on things between me and jennifer for good.

well, it was hard having to come to school and see josie every day, but i had no choice but to deal with it. then over the christmas vacation, i took time in writing a letter. i was gonna try and fight back for the friendship. i was being apologetic, saying tht i never meant to be an obstacle in her path, and i also told her tht i loved her (another mistake i believe.) but i told her tht i understood wat she was doing, and although i would be overjoyed to have something more, tht i just needed the friendship to be happy. and tht i would expect her response whatever it may be. i think about it now, and it was such a ridiculous thing to do. i had written it formally, and i was overlydramatic. well, wen we resumed schoo again, i noticed tht josie wasnt wearing the rosary anymore, she also wasnt wearing the little cross earings. i didnt know what it meant. but i had my friend sneak the letter into her bag. she eventually found it read it, then gave my friend a message to tell me. she thinks im being illusional and tht i have to be realistic about the whole thing. tht i have to deal with whats in front of me. she also thought tht the writing was bullshit(becuase of the way i worked with the words, and metaphors and all tht) and i think she told my friend tht she no longer likes literature, cuz its all bs. but she also siad tht it isnt the way it works. tht love shouldnt be filled by one person alone, but from family and friends as well. after all i did say tht i felt empty without her.

well after tht, i was so depressed for a couple of weeks. then i had a vaction. i tookk a week off from school to go and relax. and i spent a lot of family time. i had so much fun. and i was feeling good. well wen i got back last monday, i felt all the pressure hit me again. i realized i still loved josie more than ever. but my friend told me he had some news. the week before, in spanish class, he and josie had an essay to write, and the topic was about stress and how to deal with it. my friend had gotten her paper to check. for out of the blue he had stolen her paper from her folder for me to read. i was like....ok? but i read it anyway. she wrote about illusions causing stress, tht giving urself false hopes and all tht and running away from your problems cuased stress. tht it was just creating a false reality. and she used to be like tht. and then she said tht her faith was a major part of stress for her. but tht she now stopped going to church, cuz the faith had become a part of her, so she didnt have to fight all the time to keep her faith. but she stopped going becuase of laziness. although she would still like to to ask for thnks, forgiveness, and strength. the last thing she wrote was tht thinking about the future always caused her stress. but the realization tht nothing else but peace mattered, helped her get over tht.

well the next day, tuesday, i left lunch like 10 minutes early, and i found josie talking to my closest friend in the classroom. my friend told me tht he had a lot to tell me. she wasnt going to be a nun anymore, and she was asking him what he thinks she should do. then she told him tht i seemed to pester him wen we were friends(i figured as much cuz i did sorta put pressure in wanting to spend time with her all the time.) then she said tht she thinks she was just something to fall back on from jennifer. tht instead of having to deal with her, im living in an illuusional world so i went for josie instead. also she said tht she thinks tht since jennifer lived so far away, she felt tht since josie herself was more accesible, tht i went for her instead. and god i regret all this cuz everything i told her and all tht i did make it seem like she was the fallback girl. but she wasnt something to fall back on. i wanted to keep my mind on jennifer i thought it was all working out, and i saw no problems. and i wouldnt have fallen for josie cuz she is just a fantastic person. it could have been anyone if i was lookin for someone to fall back on. but josie is just the kind of person i can see myself with. and then josie also thinks tht it would be awkward to go back to a friendship knowing tht i love her. and this hit me. she lost interst in me. i had no idea why?? was the interst ever really there?? the last things she told my friend were tht she thinks its ridiculous tht i fell for her. but my friend told her tht she should at least talk to me herself. josie then asked him if he thought she was a bitch. then she asked another of my frineds of people talk badly about her behind her back.

i talked to heather, and i told her everything, and i told her tht i needed to know what was said during the time she found out josie liked me. heather told me tht josie told her she liked somebody, heather asked who, and josie said it was me. heather asked her, “like a friend?” and josie said, “a little more than a friend.” so josie really did like me. so what the hell made her lose tht intesrt. and thts one of the questions i have on my mind.

josie still hasnt spoken to me, it was only since this tuesday tht she spoke to my friend. but thru another friend, a friend of josies also, i found out tht she is triyng to get out of the classes she has to go to lower ones(were in the top classes) cuz she hates the poeple in the classes, cuz there hard headed, and dont seem to have any fun, always having there noses stuck in a book. but its also cuz she thinks poepel talk shit about her. and its only the preppy kids tht do that.. and most poeple cant stand the preppy kids. i taled to my friends, and they said they think josie is an awesome person, and tht she great and all, which made me feel happy for her. but if she decides to leave the classes, i wont see her again. i never see her in the hallways, so if she just decides to leave without saying another word to me, i will never have another shot at the friendship again. and it will all be over. and i cant approach her myself. im not supposed to know annything tht she told my friend just this past tuesday.
so this is my whole situation. why do u think she lost interest?? how can i fix everthing? to go back to the friendship? or make her regain the romantic interest again? is there any hope left? please help me thank u.
sean

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Monday, January 31, 2005 -
Answer by: sam

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Monday, January 31, 2005 - RE: nun story
Answer by: Guy