I'm 31 and I've been in a relationship with the same woman for almost one and half years now. This is only my second longish term one, the last ended after nine months after I caught her telling me serious lies. The difference with this one is that there are three teenage kids involved (2 girls 13 and 14,1 boy 19) and she is almost ten years older than me.
The age part doesn't bother me but it does her and I never bring it up. It's the kids that seem to be effecting us. I love them to bits, we get on great, don’t get me wrong. I've slid into the father figure role very well. It's the extra stresses caused by them being there, like lack of privacy, freedom to go out without worrying about what they'll get up to. One girl is so wild she's in residential care at the moment and the younger one is pregnant. I know, all very serious stuff.
My partner is constantly on the phone to them or their friends, her own parents, social workers and so on. It's getting to us so much we're arguing alot. I feel like there is nothing I can do to stop this pressure on our relationship. The only thing we seem to talk about is the problems with the kids. I'm here going out of my way to try to make things easier for everyone except for myself.
The easy option for me is to bail out of this situation, bide my time until I meet the girl right for me agewise and without kids this age etc etc..., but that's not me. I love my girlfriend and her kids, troublesome and all that they are. I just feel frustrated. The relationship between my partner and myself needs to be nursed and looked after too. Doesn't it?
Have you any advise, encouraging words, Suggestions?
I just feel lost...
Responses to this article:
--- Wednesday, February 9, 2005 -
Answer by: sara
Yes you definately need to nurture your relationship...children can create a huge strain on a relationship...In counseling they describe something called a "love bank" between two people so to say where at times love can be deposited into this "bank" or it can also be withdrawn....Right now it sounds like you are in the negatives...
There will be trialing times in any lasting relationship...if its any consulation Ive been in a relationship for 3 years now and right around after our first year together we started to argue a lot and I noticed a lot of my friends were the same but what happens as your relationship grows is you understand each other better and now we hardly ever fight...
Not that you don't know or understand her I guess more of learning how to "deal" with each other. During school I get really stressed out and I can be rude sometimes and might even say things that could easily lead to an argument but my bf has learned how to just remain calm and say all the rights things instead of getting all offensive and bless his heart he may not think that I notice all the little things like that but I do and I love him even more for it....
The number one thing that I think has kept us together is the fact that we never gave up....All the doors we slamed, all the tears, all the silly fights...at the end of the day right there next to him is the only place I want to be...
My advice to you is to get her out of that house for a couple of hours...she is probably just as stressed as you...take her out to dinner...or go for a walk...run a hot bubble bath for her...just talk to her and tell her how you feel...try to work out maybe like a set date night once a week or whatever your schedules will allow so that just the two of you can have some alone time...
--- Tuesday, February 8, 2005 - so hard
Answer by: glass88
Wow, that's really hard. I guess all I can do is compare it to my own experience: I was in a relationship for nine years with a guy who went to law school and became a lawyer during that time. Since we were young when we met, we both changed immensely, but that was something I didn't want to accept. His career changed him (New York corporate tax attorney), he became a lawyer so to speak, and his whole ethic completely challenged my own in a way that was not beneficial to my well-being. I changed, too, and my ideas on happiness simply did not suit him, either.
Long story short, I continued stagnating in the relationship until he realized that we simply could not work out. We were too different. It was a painful thing to go through, but when I consider our time together the monkey that he constantly carried on his back (the pressures from his career) becomes so much more obvious to me , and I realize that I should have put my own needs first instead of trying to work around his. I guess my advice is: these children are not yours and if the pressure which they are creating is over your head, you should most certainly take the steps neccessary to alleviate that pressure, whatever they may be. Don't consider yourself a failure if you have to leave, consider yourself courageous for taking your life in your hands.
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