I HAVE BEEN DATING WITH MY FIANCEE FOR 1YEAR.SHE INSISTED THAT WE GET ENGAGED OF WHICH I EAGERLY AGREED.IT IS NOW 2YRS.THE ONLY PROBLEM IS THAT I HAVE BEEN TOO SOFT TO HER,IN THE SENSE THAT SHE TRIES TO BE RUDE TO ME AT TIMES.WE ARE NOT MARRIED.PLEASE WHAT I ASK IS A MEASURE THAT I SHOULD PUT IN MY BRAIN TO REDUCE MY SOFTNESS AND TOO MUCH LOVE TO HER.PLEASE ASSIST.
Responses to this article:
--- Tuesday, May 24, 2005 -
Answer by: Emma
Wait a go HumboltPenguin! That is one awesome post, very well written with many excellent points.
Okay - you've given her a ticket to disrespect you, a free reign almost on the relationship & now you find it's difficult to put into place the standards that you should have enforced when you first embarked on this relationship.
Take a step back, have you own opinions & don't let her knock you down... if she can't comprehend you adopting this new persona & becomes upset by it, stand you ground. I know you love her but she must learn to respect you, your opinion, what you're saying & how you're feeling - EVEN if she doesn't, at first, see where you're coming from or disagrees with you. It's give & take.
Restore the balance & quick, otherwise this relationship is heading for disaster!
I hope you can find your voice & work through this. Best of luck
--- Monday, May 23, 2005 - Door Matts
Answer by: HumboltPenguin
The problem is you've made yourself a door matt. Why? When she insisted that you purpose to her you got engaged to her without question, also you probably do everything for her on command. There are several things needed for a relationship to work and it sounds like she's getting all of them while your not demanding any of them.
1) Both parties must be somewhat happy, a happy medium must be found in the relationship, one party can't get everything they want while the other party is subsurbiant to them, thats not a relationship, thats survitude.
2) Both parties must respect eachother, if one party is getting all the respect while the other is giving it the situation turns into one were one party is the one in charge and the other is the one doing everything, and trying to keep it together, again survitude.
3) The relationship, especially engagements and marrage, should be a partnership, not a dictatorship, both parties should be in agreement on matters pertaining to the relationship, what they do, where they go, who they hang out with, how much time they spend apart, etc. Sometimes an agreement can't be gotten to outright, and then consetions should be made on both parties parts, not just one, like okey will do this now, but later we'll do this, remember no matter how much alike you and your parterner are you are still two different people and compomises must be made some time, if they are not someone will again be in servitude to the other.
3) Mutual respect, without respect for eachother it'll just crumble appart right in front of your faces, if one person is respectful and the other is not you end up with a situation which will range from uneasy relations to servitude, bad, to abusive, really bad.
At some point when a person seems to be abusing the relationship it might be time for the abused party to step back and take a look at it, I'm not saying break up or call off the engagement, thats not always the best solution, I'm saying pick up the door matt and put on some boots of your own and just tell her "NO" every once in a while, force negotiations on what you do, don't allow the person to make you their servant, if you do and you end up getting married it will just get worse and the servent will be unhappy.
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