I think my boyfriend is cheating, hints are, that recently, he has been taking a girl out to lunch every single day while in work. He used to phone me every lunch time and now it has stopped because he is with her, whenever i phone him, he is short with me and tries to make it short, wheneveri ask who he is with, he says her name, like its normal and speaks about her like she is his g/f. He has now told me not to phone him in work. they go shopping together too, like in a supermarket, like we do... its like shes me. i one day looked at his phone while he was messing with it, and it had an unusual number in it, it ended up being hers, when i asked why he had it, he said she had put it in there while "messing around" with his phone. Tell me this, would you put your number in a guys phone unless you were intending on or expecting him to call you? then all of a sudden she has a boyfriend... of 4 years, after all the questions i have asked about her, 1 day out of the blue she has a boyfriend WOW! not only that, but his name also is just 1 letter difference to where he said she lives 2 seconds before telling me his name. i told my family about this and they all said the same... sounds like hes trying to make me think nothings going on and that name was all that came to his head. they play jokes on eachother, i hear her giggling in his car on the phone, i cant get out of my head the thought of them doing stuff together, i wish he would just tell me and not be so cruel. Do you think he is cheating from all of this? its hard to make it seem the way it is.. it sounds like im paranoid but he has changed so much. he likes attention, but he is definately not a big "i can get any girl and phwoar look at her" kinda guy. but i would not put this past him. i love him and its killing me, i just want to be put out of my misery but im crying everyday and it is affecting my work. pls any help would be apreciated
Responses to this article:
--- Tuesday, June 28, 2005 -
Answer by: ellie
hay fenix, i understand what you mean, when i said there were times i think hes cheating and times i dont let me elaborate. His parents are strongly religious, i dont think that he would ever want to make a show of them because he respects them very much, but at the same time he isnt as religious as them. When i confront him about all these things, i say "pls, just be honest with me" and then he says im calling him a liar, and says hes always honest with me, in such a tone i think.... wow i really am pissing him off that i dont believe him. his friends are in happy relationships, he strikes me as a very arrogant person and if he wants something he will get it, he isnt really a "big stud" althought the fact that he makes alot of money has a flash car and is smart as hell seems to be what attracts woman nowadays seems to count. i think what would be worse is not if he slept with her, or kissed her, its the idea hes enjoying time with her more than me. He doesnt hug me much anymore, or kiss me not even when i leave for work and most of all... its since this flash car of his. Obviously every guy wants attention though, and its something hes wanted a long time so blah blah. I asked him about her b/f he told me his name, and that he was welsh and they are moving in together when she leaves his work (shes a student) but it comes down to the point... if i put my number in a guys phone messing around... WHY?!?!?!?!?!?! omg is he playing thick or what? and he has this face he pulls... which all i can describe it as is him saying in his head... "errr oh shit" now most of all, i want him to tell me, because i know if he does, i wont feel like this anymore, ill think wow! i knew it! you asshole! you lying asshole! but its hard to explain his type. he isnt flirty, he doesnt go out much if atall gaaahhhh, i confronted him about this the other day and he asked me why i was still living with him... i said what do you mean? he said wel the last few weeks youve been telling me everything i dont do for you anymore.. so why are you here? and i said do you not want me here? and he said its not about what he wants.... i asked him if he wanted me to leave again and he just didnt respondm, he started whinging about all the times i make out hes cheating. and hes sick of it and im pissing him off. Which made me think maybe he really isnt... then he left me crying in the bedroom while he went and messed around outside in his car... and then called me down and started speaking to me like nothing had happened.... i asked him if he still loves me and he said "yeah id say so, i feel weird about saying it because were both pissing eachother off" i dont know what to make of it. im tryina give you as much info as i can, so you can seriously see whats going on.
--- Monday, June 27, 2005 -
Answer by: fenix1230
Great, now don't shoot the messenger. Let me clarify: I am a cheater, in the sense that I have cheated in relationships in the past. Obviously, in order to cheat, one must be in a committed relationship, so yes, I was in a relationship when I cheated. Now as for the twisted part of my brain...it's not that you don't care about the other person, but that if the opportunity arises, you take it.
From my experience, most guys will cheat, given the chance. There are guys out there who won't, but generally, these guys don't get a large amount of girls, so you can't cheat when you don't have someone to cheat on. The better looking a guy is, or more successful he is, the higher the propensity to cheat in my opinion.
I used to view cheating, as a way to hedge my relationship. I felt that my partner, regardless of how great the relationship was, or how happy I made her, was going to cheat on me, primarily because she would get hit on like crazy by other guys. With this mindset, I would cheat with other girls, so that in the event she told me she cheated, or if I had a slight inclination that she cheated, I would be fine with it knowing that I had cheated on her. Of course, now I know that that way of thinking is wrong, and no longer cheat. Relationships are based on trust, and if you don't have trust, you don't have anything.
Your man may cheat, simply because this girl is so hot, that he'll kick himself if he doesn't do anything. Could be, he doesn't have the balls to break up with you, and doesn't like to lose...anything. There are a million reasons why people cheat, and to them, it is justified. Exactly why he does it, I can't say, because only he knows. But you'll probably never know.
Now to catch him. Start by checking his phone. I don't mean voice messages, although if you can that's the way to go. Check his call history. Unless he locks it every time, this is the easiest way to catch him. Also, let him check his voice mail from your phone. He'll have to key in the password, and just remember this. Or when he checks his voice mail, look at his hands. He'll probably be looking at the phone when he puts in his code, so he won't be looking at you.
Also, check his story. Where girls have the advantage, is that they pay attention to the details. Guys are usually only concerned with the big picture. When they lie, they can come up with good lies on the surface, but when you dig a little deeper, the faults arise. If he went out to a movie with friends, asked what the ending was. If he went to play basketball, ask how he did. Then ask him again later, to see if he gives you the same answer. If he says the girl has a long term bf of four years, ask the last name, where he's from, what the girl and her bf fight about. Go into specifics, and ask him again later.
But unless you actually catch them in bed, or making out in a club, he will probably never admit to cheating. He will most likely deny everything, and so you might never really know for sure. Honestly, from what you've told me, it's time to get out. I'm sure you love him, but why wait for someone to hurt you real bad, when it's obvious he already doing so.
Bottom line, is that you don't like what he's doing with this girl. It may be innocent, but you've let him know that you don't like it, and he continues to be with her. He's shown that even though you have made him one of the most important things in your life, he doesn't feel the same way. If he did, he would respect your feelings, and stop hanging out with her. He discounts your feelings, because you put up with his actions. A relationship is built on trust, but you both must be strong. If you're weak, and he walks all over you, then it's just a matter of time, before the whole thing falls apart.
--- Saturday, June 25, 2005 -
Answer by: ellie
you said you are a cheater yourself fenix? so im assuming your in a relationship when you do so... what twisted part in your head stops you from doing the right thing and saying... ok i wanna do something with someone else, so obviously i feel nothing for my girlfriend, i will go and cheat. and how can i catch him?
--- Friday, June 24, 2005 -
Answer by: fenix1230
Emma, thanks for remembering me. =)
Your bf spends way too much time with this girl. They go shopping together during lunch huh....If it was once, I can understand, but you said "place they go shopping in their lunch hour," indicating that they go there with relative frequency. On a side note, are you from the UK?
And I don't believe that just because he "tells you" he's with her, means he's not doing anything with her. He could have some warped sense of morality that he feels lets him cheat on you, since you know about it.
Ellie, you're getting more and more clues to the fact that your bf has either cheated, or will cheat. Changes in behavior is a major indication of cheating. If he has changed, and from what you've said, dramatically so, he wants something other than what you can, and have provided to him. And if he yells at you when you confront him, and takes the defensive, that's even more reason to believe that he's a cheater. People usually get upset over accusations that are based on truth, or on their fears. If he was calm, and collected, and lovingly and confidently reassured you that there was nothing going on, then he might not be cheating, but since he gets mad and begins yelling, and losses his composure, I believe he is cheating, or will cheat.
Your main problem, is that you "want to be put out of [your] misery." Instead of giving this jerk the opportunity to put you out of your misery, you should be the one putting this lieing fraud out of his crooked cheating misery.
--- Friday, June 24, 2005 -
Answer by: Emma
Ellie, you seriously have to quit wasting your time on this guy... have some respect for yourself & stop allowing him to treat you this way.
He sounds like a total loser, intent on turning everything around so that it's you who's "just being paranoid"... that old chestnut.
Believe me, you can do A LOT better girl! Don't take anymore of this from him. He doesn't respect you; otherwise he'd be totally honest. He can't care about you; otherwise he'd see how much this is hurting you. And he can't love you, otherwise he'd never put anyone before you, end of.
This will carry on for as long as you allow it to. So, stop it today - give him an ultimatum - things change or it's over. I think we can all guess what the answer's gonna be :-(
But you'll get over him. Like Felix says, go out & have fun... life's too short to waste being made unhappy.
--- Friday, June 24, 2005 -
Answer by: ellie
hi, yeah thing is if he is cheating, then she definately knows he's is with me. Because my mum bumped into them in the place they go shopping in their lunch hour, and he introduced my mum to the girl as "Laura's mum" and they had a chat. But he told me she is pretty, and they get on well, and people have said, if he is telling me he is with her, atleast he is being honest. But he says to me he isnt lieing. and shouts at me when i confront him about it. I ask him if i have something to be worried about, and that he's changed alot. and he says if you have to ask then obviously we shouldnt be together, and says i dont trust him. things he says i think, ok he really isnt cheating, and then things he says... make me think ok he totally is, i just want to be put out of my misery. She will be leaving his work in around 35 days (his exact words, like hes been counting....) but im worried he'll start calling her then... and maybe she will come back permanent, plus i cant figure out his phone, its a brand new imate jam and its a pain in the arse lol
--- Thursday, June 23, 2005 - Federal Bureau of Investigation
Answer by: fenix1230
I don’t know what your job is, but you should really think about a career in the FBI. I mean, your intelligence lapses and gaps in judgment would make you the perfect agent! Seriously though, you boys cheating, or he’s going to, and this skank of a tramp doesn’t care that he has a girlfriend. Hell, she may not even know that he has a girlfriend, and he could be going out with her at work. Take it from a guy who cheats…the boy’s guilty. First clue, he’s short on the phone, and doesn’t give details. He’s with here, and wants to make your call seem like your just one of his friends. Guys only do this, when they don’t want the people around them to know about your relationship with him. Clue 2, don’t call him at work. Now maybe if he worked for the FBI, and was trying to save the world, and you calling him might make his pager beep while he’s creeping up on a terrorist in a snow storm at a church outside of Dulles Airport on Christmas eve, then maybe you shouldn’t call him. But if you’ve called him before, and now, all of a sudden, he doesn’t want you to call him, he full of it, and is probably cheating. Third clue, the cell phone. Now just having the number doesn’t really mean anything, since guys just have girls phone numbers, but you should check to see how much he calls her, and how much she calls him. If it’s a lot, or when it’s really late, for long periods of time, then he’s cheating. Now the her having a boyfriend thing, is pure crap, and really poor on his end. Where he messed up, was saying that she’s been with him for over four years. He should’ve said they just got together, or all she talks about to me is about this other guy at work, but no, he’s an idiot, and deserves to get caught. Sorry, ellie, your boyfriend is cheating on you, or is going to cheat on you, or calls you while she’s on top of him gyrating like a depraved crack head while you think she’s just giggling. Drop this guy. I’m sure you love him, but I’m also sure you’re probably real young, so why the hell are you even with a guy exclusively. Go out, have fun, and
--- Thursday, June 23, 2005 -
Answer by: kisses
It's hard to say "yes, he's definately cheating." but in this case, that's seems to be exactly what he's doing. Look at all the signs...that's what they lead to, right? I'd talk to him about it, and make sure he knows you're being serious. If you two are in a serious relationship, he should know better than to be going out for lunch every day with another girl, and if you can hear her giggling and stuff in his car, something tells me that's more than just a lunch date, you know? I agree, I wouldn't give some guy my number unless I was expecting him to call me sometime. I'd talk to this guy first, he needs to know that's he's probably doing something that's hurting your relationship with him. Sorry I couldn't be more help, but I wish you the best of luck and keep us all updated!
LOVE QUESTIONS & ANSWERS: Love Q & A : Get your love & relationship questions answered - NEW!! Love Q&A Forum | Old Love Q&A Love Pros : Professional Help with love's challenges & relationships
