After 7 years of a truly loving relationship my ex called it quits because I wouldn't commit.
The reason is she has 2 autistic kids and we have completely different parenting skills. Me strict, her lax as they come.
I never miscommunicated to her, rather always told her I was willing to commit but only after my 2 kids were in college - another 2 years from now.
I'm so quilt ridden and sad. Since then I moved out of state (3 hrs away) and she's set on the fact that it's over for good.
I tried to tell her I changed and made a mistake, she's not interested, and her therapist "forbids" her to even speak to me.
HELP !!
- Anthony
Responses to this article:
--- Saturday, July 2, 2005 -
Answer by: kisses
After seven years of being with this person, it's probably really hard for you right now. But you have to understand that she's under the impression that you want this relationship to be over. In her head she thinks that if you really wanted to be with her, you would've commited earlier instead of waiting. She needs someone who's going to help her with her children, I can't imagine that having two autistic children is easy, so she needs someone to be there for her. In your mind, maybe you thought that waiting for your kids to enter college was a good reason to wait, and you might not understand what she really needs right now. Sometimes if you really love someone, you have to put their needs before yours.
I don't know what else to say, besides give her some time to think about it, and then tell her that you've changed and you know that you made a mistake. Granted, she might find someone else, but you can't rush things, I don't know if she'd be able to believe that you've changed in a short period of time anyways.
If you really love her though and you KNOW you want to be with her...I'd try to do something right away, you can't let good things escape.
I know I'm contradicting myself by telling you to wait and do something right away, but you need to know that a) if you do something right away, she might find it unbelievable and not have trust in you. or b) if you wait, she might move on sooner than you will... there are going to be cons in either desision, but it's up to you to make the right choice. Good Luck!
--- Thursday, June 30, 2005 -
Answer by: Emma
Anthony, you must be going through a real tough time right now and I really sympathise with your situation...
7 years, by anyone's standards, would be "commitment" enough... my first reaction would be to think that she's telling you she's not interested and that it's all over because she's putting her kids first, though why she won't compromise makes me think maybe she's been looking for a reason to end the relationship for a while...? I just don't know, but normally when a relationship has lasted that long, it takes more for it to break down completely, being "damaged beyond repair"...
Talk to her, is there any chance you could move back to be nearer to her? Explain how you feel, that the last thing you want to do is lose her. Be the first to compromise over the whole parenting issue, obviously since these autistic children are hers - she needs to have the first say over how they are brought up, so you need to adopt some of the tactics she employs to show her you are willing to make some real changes... changes for the sake of the relationship.
If she believes in this relationship (despite these commitment & parenting issues) as much as you do... she will, at least, be willing to listen to your pleas.
People make mistakes; people say things they don't mean. If the love is still there, you WILL get back with her if one of you makes the effort... just be sure you keep your promises so she knows you're serious - that way everyone knows where they stand and you can bury this awful episode firmly in the past.
State your case, if she continuously refuses to listen - as hard as it will be, you may have to come to terms with moving on. Don't let her slip away easily and get her to ignore this "therapist" of hers :-/
Sorry if I've not been of much help, but I do hope things work out.
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