Can a 57 year-old man, happily married for 36 years, truly fall in love with someone else, along with his wife?
And, what are the signs of indifference?
Responses to this article:
--- Thursday, July 14, 2005 - :-)
Answer by: Emma
Good on yer Peaches! I, like Red_Roses, am v.proud of you!
As for us assuming that the two of you had become intimate... I didn't make that assumption. You certainly don't sound trashy, very much the opposite, in fact and we are here to help, not judge.
I'm glad you turned to us for help; it's so difficult when you're in the midst of something without anyone to talk things through with and I hope we, at least, gave some good perspectives on how we see your situation.
This guy, even though his intentions may have not been deliberately harmful, is... he's messing with your head making you fall for him and you just don't need it.
Stay away from him, you've done nothing other than be vulnerable and it takes a lot to ask for help.
I wish you all the happiness in the world, stay strong.
Luv, Emma x
--- Wednesday, July 13, 2005 - I'm proud of you
Answer by: Red_Roses
Peaches, in the long run, you will thank yourself for staying with your husband and choosing him. You did the right thing. However, some marital counseling can always benefit your marriage, and strengthen the love you both have for each other. You should talk to your husband about what happened, to strengthen your marriage, fix and resolve any issues between you and your husband (and why you strayed from him), and clear your conscience. Remember the vows you made, and remember that goodness and honesty always prevails. I'm proud of you.
--- Wednesday, July 13, 2005 - The right thing
Answer by: peaches
I want to thank you all for your help. The reason I even came to this website is because I did'nt have anyone in the world I could discuss this with. You may not believe this, but he and I have not had sex. He made me sincerely fall in love with him. You are right, I am not his wife and that has made me feel worthless. I am tired of the heartache and tears. One good thing that has come out of this is, it has made me realize how much I really love my husband. Thank you again.
--- Tuesday, July 12, 2005 - Do the right thing.
Answer by: Red_Roses
A healthy marriage holds a love that EVOLVES over time, to a comfortable and deep love.
If your relationship is built on sex, that's all your gonna get. Regardless of how many rings an adulterer gives to the "other woman", she is still the "other woman", and NOT his wife, and is nothing to him but a concubine.
This man may give you a fun roll in the sack -- but the fact is, he is married to someone else. Relationships created out of adultery always have trust issues. And rightly so -- how can you trust someone who cheated on their WIFE?
If you happen to be married as well, why not just get a divorce, so your husband can find someone who'll love him and only him? You obviously don't love your husband because you're not being honest with him, free of guilty conscience. What you are doing is wrong, you should take the high road and do the right thing.
I have to agree with Emma. Love is full of trust and mutal commitment. Three is definitely a crowd, as they say.
I doubt, Peaches, that this relationship you have with this man is going to last, as it is not built on trust, respect, or love. It is built on lies.
My suggestion is for you to get the book by psychologist Robin Norwood: "Women Who Love Too Much". It will help you and your situation.
I wish you happiness.
--- Monday, July 11, 2005 - A mess it is
Answer by: fenix1230
Peaches,
Why are women such dolts for sweet talking. I bet your husband, whom you married, and gave an everlasting vow in front of your family and God, that guy, probably doesn’t sweet talk you like he used to. I bet your marriage has gone into a routine, and although you do love him, it’s not like before.
Everybody likes a sense of adventure, and women especially love romance. You want something new, and this guy is it. But remember, of course he’s romantic, and of course everything is exciting and new. This is because you’re in the stages of an early romance. In the beginning, everything is like this. You’ve never experienced this with this new guy, and you really like the way it feels. The fact is, even though you have worked with each other for three or four years, you still don’t know him. You only know what he wants you to know.
He can love you, then again, he may just want to have sex with a woman younger than him. Cheating always feels satisfying, at least to some, but make sure you don’t fall more for him, than he falls for you. The fact that he controls when you two decide to act like sex depraved iniquitous rabbits, shows that he has control of this relationship, and that you are more than happy to follow. This could be trouble, but is also probably why you’re so attracted to him. Double-edged sword there.
My biggest concern, is if either of you have children. If you want to spread your legs and wave them in the air while some man other than your husband pumps himself into you faster than a jackhammer on times square, then by all means, have a ball, or two. But if you have children, then you’re not only cheating on your husband, but your kids as well. You defile your marriage, and you disrespect and defile the father of your kids. If you can do this, then maybe you should just get a divorce. Hell, California is a no fault state, so you can cheat, and still get half of all your assets. Isn’t that a nice gift to go with your adultery ring!
I think you should try to work things out with your husband. Let him know your feelings, at least that you feel your marriage has gotten stale, and if he’s willing to try to make things better, than give him a chance. Now if he isn’t willing, or just acts like a jerk and discounts your feelings, or just doesn’t care. Then I say cheat. But that’s me.
--- Sunday, July 10, 2005 - Peaches is not a man.
Answer by: peaches
To fenix1230
I am younger, he pursued me after observing me for quite some time, he told me. We do work together and have known each other for about 3 to 4 years. I tried to discourage him on the start, but then his sweet talking got to me. I love my husband too, but I love this man also, maybe in a different way. He is more romantic. We are waiting to be together, respectfully. He don't always wait, one time he is hot, one time he is cold. Can he feel the same for me, even when he is cold? He has even given me a ring. What do you think of this mess?
--- Wednesday, July 6, 2005 - I like Nachos and Burritos!
Answer by: fenix1230
Emma, I see your point, but I honestly believe that a person can be in love with two different people at the same time.
Peaches, which I have absolutely no idea why a man would name themselves peaches, except for the fact that at 57, that's probably the perfect description of what's left of the hair on your head, but not enough for what's in your nose and ears, why couldn't someone love two people.
I believe that marriage is the act of falling in and out of love with the same person over a lifetime, and that as we change, those qualities that must be in the person we love change also. According to Emma, you can't fall in love with someone else because of the hurt you know it would cause. She's right, but not everyone is wired that way. It really comes down to your personal ethics and morality.
At 57 though, I have to wonder, is this other woman younger? Is she pursuing you? Do you work together? Have you been friends for a long time? There are many questions, but what you need to ask yourself, is are you willing to lose your wife of 36 years in order to see if your assumptions about your feelings are right. Remember, you don't really know someone until the second year, and at 57, you might not have that long.
Just kidding peaches, but all I really know, is that I love both Nachos and Burritos equally. If you can swing it, I'd try mixing them both. Narritos or Buchos taste great!
--- Wednesday, July 6, 2005 -
Answer by: Emma
Nope, well - not in my opinion anyway...
Any guy who has truly been happily married for 36 years would be happy with just that. He'd be happy with his wife and he wouldn't look for romance with anyone else but her because this would compromise what he already has...
You might fall in love again but you can't be in love with two people at the same time simply because of the hurt you know it would cause to the partner who finds out that they aren't the only one.
True love binds only two people exclusively.
As for indifference, well... if the party who is still committed to the relationship looks into their heart, even though they may not want to see the signs, they know when they surface. I guess it's different for every couple but a lack of what was "normal"; when things change, when they are no longer "as they once were"... that'd be my take on it.
It'll be interesting to see what the others have to say... ;-)
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