Title:
She broke up with me, but I still Love her.
By: Annex
I should mention before we started dating we had been friends for about a year, then for about a month before we started dating we were messing around. My ex-girlfriend and I started dating at the begining of July. And at first it was going great. After about a month she started to act differently though. For a long time I attributed this to her kidney stones which were acting up (she has cronic kidney stones), and at first I still think that is what it was. Eventually though, it became apparent that there was much more to it then that. Different things happened which she took offense from and didn’t tell me, letting it bottle up in her. Then she broke up with me saying that she had done, or didn’t do, things that were unfair to me. In other words it’s not you it’s me. And I did what I have always done when I didn’t know what to do. I pushed. I didn’t even realize I was doing it. I almost never do. I had feelings of love for her and still wished to go out with her. Originally I kept wanting to talk to her about it, but originally we were only on a “break”. Eventually when it did become a “break-up” it gave me closure even though I wanted the relation to continue. I could now put most of the pain behind me. I kept trying to get her to open up, to tell me how she feels. I wrote her letters showing her how I felt, hoping she might be willing to show me how she felt. I got her alone and talked to her, hoping she would talk to me. I told her many times that even if what she had to say was something hurtful I would still be her friend, I would not be mad. She told me a few times that she did write down how she felt but deleted it because she didn’t want to hurt me with what she wrote. So what did I do but push. I pushed, and pushed, and pushed, and it got her to give me a letter, one she wouldn’t normally give. One she would have deleted if I hadn‘t pushed so much and hurt her. It hurt to read, which she thought it would. She also thought that it might make me hate her, make me not want to be friends with her, make me lose my feeling for her. She told me with it the things I had done that hurt her, the things I was still doing (pushing) that hurt her. It made clear that communication had been shut between us for longer then I realized. That things that had happened that upset her, hurt her far more then I knew. That she felt for a long time she couldn’t open up to me and talk about these things. The letter did dull my feelings for her, but they are still there. Just dulled by pain. I sill want to be friends with her. I still find I love her and don’t know what to do. I still find that one day I want to be with her again. I just don’t think she will ever be willing to try again with me. All I do know is the pushing must stop. So for now I am not going to visit her house, even though the thought of not being able to see her everyday hurts. I am not going to bring “us” up when we do see each other, which I had already decided not to do. I still want to talk about how she feels, but unless she brings it up I won’t even do that for now. And if she tells me she needs more space what choice do I have but to give it to her. And hopefully, one day when she is ready, we can talk about what went wrong in our relationship And maybe one day we can talk about how we both feel.. I am still unsure what to do, but I will do my best to stop pushing. I don’t know what else I can do.
I have started a journal, something I've wanted to do for a long time, this way I have an outlet for my feeling. Much of the above was taken from that.
Is there anything else I can or should do? Or anything I should know?
Responses to this article:
--- Thursday, September 29, 2005 - Thanks, and now I have a moutain to strive over.
Answer by: Annex
First off thank you for your words Nick, you have pretty much agreed with the other advice I have gotten. Time is something I need too and I should try new things and meet new people, as I have seen it from advice columns it is a slow and painful process. Here comes the kicker for me on the slow process.
I work 5 days a week and it is not up to me which days. I had sun off and plans with her before her letter telling me she needed space. Now mon and tues I have off too. I would also like to rely on my friends unfortanately most of them are her friends too, and the one that aren't now live far away. Her best friend, Jeff, however has stepped up and has been there for me and her seperatly. I would like to hang out with him as all of my friends in town are her friends too, and for some reason they are trying to be there for her and not me, except jeff. (which is also getting to her like my trying to be there for her was.) Sadly Jeff always does the same thing on Sun., and she might show up (she normally does when she doesn't have to babysit one or both of her neices) as he is her best friend and I don't want to run into her and have her think thats what I was trying for. And thats not to mention all the pain running into her would bring up. So as I see it I can't hang out with the one friend that has been there for me. And our group of friends will likely show up there, she is kind of the glue that holds us all together, and most show up if they think she will.
There is one other friend (Ben) I have been trying to let my feeling out to, because he has also been having girl problems but the problem is long before I new her and around when I first met him (around two and a half years ago) he dated/messed around with Wendy. So it has seemed he wants to be there for me but can't because it hurts for him because he still has feeling for her too. In a talk Wendy, Jeff, and I had they both said Ben told them each at different times that he still has strong feelings for her. (I did talk with him before I started dating her to see how he would feel about it, and he said it was over a long time ago he still cared for her but nothing was going to happen with him so as long as I treated her good he was ok with it.) So I can't talk to him or hang out with him.
Then theres now Mon and Tues, they are the two days off I have for this week. I recently started a new job. So durning work a little before and after I have been socializing with all the new people I have been meeting. Also I have been pouring myself into my work to keep from thiinking about Wendy. I don't know what to do with my self those days besides put my feelings in the journal.
So now I don't know what to do Sun through Tues. to keep myself from going crazey thinking about her. What should I do?
The more I read what you wrote, the more I realized how similar your situation is to one I experienced.
I can tell how much you care for this girl becuase you're giving up what will make you happy, to make her happy. That is love. You are smart to realize that pushing her IS NOT the way to go. Do what you said you will, and give her space; don't bring up your personal situation with her. The reason why she didn't want to tell you her feelings is because she cares for you. She didn't want to hurt you. I pushed to hard in my experience, and that was a mistake. All the questions just turned this girl off from me more.
Do things that can take your mind of her. Hang out with friends, flirt with other girls. Cheer yourself up! Life is to short. "Time heals all wounds." is a true quote. Give it time, and you may be surprised. I know that love is something you cannot control, but don't let yourself be hurt.
If you need anything else, don't be afraid to e-mail me at nick0312@aim.com.
Good luck,
Nick
P.S. Believe it or not I started keeping a journal to, and by writing my feelings it has helped tremendously. I started writign about a year ago, when my experience was just beginning.
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