Title:
How do i get out of this bubble of feeling?
By: ek
Hi Everyone, I wanted to post here because i know that after being on here for quite a long time now, that usually i get good, honest & supportive answers, so i hope that this post can bring the same :)
OK, i want to try get straight to the point, i am feeling really unhappy in life lately, maybe a little lonely & unloved, i mean, i have a great family around me & good friends too, however I feel I'm missing that special something in my life that i need.
I am a good looking guy, though a little slim, but not in an arrogant way because even though i am confident in my looks, but i know I'm not a bad looking bloke & get compimented on my looks often, however i still feel very insecure inside & unhappy (I don't think looks are a very solid thing anyway to be honest), so it's not like i lack confidence in that way, but it's hard to explain because i do feel quite unconfident in many ways (I've had a good career behind me aswell, not money wise but in regards to impressive history of achievements with music & records etc..), but i dont feel it's enough.
I strive & crave for that love, i'm 27 in a few months time & in my life I've only really had 1 serious relationship (which i fell in love, got hurt blah blah), & i would really like to be able to settle into that happiness & steadyness in life.
I left a post here not long ago, about a girl who moved in near by, their were lots of signs (good signs at the time) in many aspects, however i dont really see her enough or get much chance to talk to her & i have to be honest, although i guess i could be confident enough to ask her (If i got the chance) i would, but i never get that chance & this has gone on for months now, due to me being a slack ass & not daring (I guess is the word) to ask her out or anything, i feel although she seems to like me & be, in some sort kidna attracted to me, I'm pretty sure of (gut instinct & previous exepriances) i am scared of that rejection (I know the typical answer can be "You dont know till you ask, what you worried for" etc.. but even though i say that to myself all the time, it's easier said than done.
I feel time has gone on too much now in regards to that and the interest has more or less gone (I havent seen her for a while anyway (even though she only lives opposite me) but i feel that the interest may have gone now (maybe thats cause i havent seen her for a bit)), but at my age now, even though i;ve had opportunitys, not in a funny way, but I need to have that person who has that special something for me, i cant really & aren't the type of guy to just jump into bed with anyone, or date anyone, unless i have that full on attraction, be it physically or personally.
I feel when guys just date girls (or in some cases bed girls), it's unfair because emotions & feelings can be attatched with that & it's not fair to hurt anyone in that sense either just for the sake of having s bit of fun yourself (i think it's fairly selfish), it's like using the person, if your not willing to have a relationship with thtme, you shouldnt sleep with them (unless obviously it's a placid thing between the two & both understand that agreement, but even then.. ya know).
Bottom line is, i really need some advice, what to do, I'm sick of feeling lonely, i want that compatability, i know when your not out looking for it, it can tend to happen more, but when you feel that way, it's how things are & you can't help that, but what have i to do in regards to feeling better?
I go out every weekend, i have a good social life i guess at the weekends, but I'm the one that sits quietly in the back, admiring pretty girls, maybe getting the odd smile or whatever, but never react on that, simply because I'm probably not confident enough to do that & i know i have a problem with that.
The girl who lives near by, for all i know, may have a boyfriend now (I don't know), as i've heard a guy lately in their (tonight coming back from the bar i heard one), but i know i cant jump to conclusions, but it does make me think "Ok I can't really try give any signs now anyway unless i'm sure she hasn't", i guess i was badly scarred as i was terribly hurt at one point in my life, but i need to overcome that, i have that fear, & deep down, i truly do feel & have a gut instinct i'm going to be the type of guy who is probably going to end up single in his life, not really have much in that sense, though i do crave & want that love & compatability.
I feel that their probably is potential partners (I'm the kind of guy that has girls hanging on, but never seems to get them as girlfriends (even though they may say tell me they find me attractive or whatever, that i get on with them & am a nice guy), but when i try to initiate anything, nothing ever seems to come from it.
I had it before when a girl i really liked (grew to like her over time as we got on so well), used to alwasy be round me, we'd go out, hand in hand down town, she'd always smile at me, wink at me, tell me how she thought i was really cute, nice looking, nice person etc... but she never became my girlfriend, though i dont see her as much now (she is ( or was) in another serious relationship), the same chemistry always happens... but she's never mine or probably never will be.
It's the same old everytime, & i really need to know where I'm going wrong.
I don't wanna join no dating things or anything like that lol, but can anyone please tell me where I'm going wrong or what i'm supposed to do, i try to treat people really nice & be that nice person, however i'm still here as little old me single & alone.
What do i do in regards to this?
Thanks to anyone who can kindly take the time out to reply to me as i really appreciate it & i need it now, i feel quite low & have for a long time now so am venting here in hope of some advice or good answers on what i should do now to feel a little bit better & more secure within myself, I'm 26 for god sake & still single here.
Thank you in advance.
Responses to this article:
--- Sunday, October 9, 2005 -
Answer by: Red_Roses
Jodie, that very verse from Peter 5:10 really spoke out to me! I think I'm going to write it down, and carry it with me... it is very much like the Footprints poem. Thank you!
--- Thursday, October 6, 2005 - --> To Roses
Answer by: Jodie
Thank you very much Roses!
I have been reading your advice for some time now; I have to say - it's nothing other than tremendous! As a result, I haven't seen a real opportunity to add my comments next to yours before (you practically read my mind in the advice you give) :-)
It is always humbling to share my faith with someone, even if it's just showing them the love of Christ in a very small way. I always try to treat people the way I would like to be treated and I'm always very conscious of other people's feelings and what they might be going through, the Lord compels me to try to spread the good news to them. It's what we are called to do as Christians and it's our contribution to the world.
This section that I came across on this site is amazing and it really is great that you devote so much of your time giving top quality advice to others in need... you are blessed to have this gift... you are care a lot and are a real inspiration, there aren't enough people like you in the world - so keep it up and don't grow weary! Your words are always warm, encouraging and greatly uplifting, your comments are always a joy to read - you rock sister!!!
I hope ek, you take the Lord to your heart and embrace what amazing gifts we are blessed with in this life, so many people are less fortunate than ourselves and in my prayers, I sincerely pray for them that the Lord might ease their suffering.
Blessings in Christ everybody!
Jodie x
1 Peter 5:10 And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast. To him be the power for ever and ever. Amen.
--- Wednesday, October 5, 2005 -
Answer by: Red_Roses
EK, you are very welcome for the advice. :-) Thank you for you kind words and well wishes -- they really were very kind. I also wish the best for you.
Jodie, if I may say so, you sound like a very beautiful person. I think it's wonderful that you have such strong faith. I, too, am a Christian. Thank you for your compliments, but you gave some serious mind-blowing advice there to EK! WOW is all I can say!
I feel very touched for you to have taken so much from my response! I don't often have that effect since I'm not good with words (vocally) and it takes a while for me to get across what I mean, if I ever do (it's a shy thing, I guess)... people normally give up waitin' :-P
But yeah, I thought I'd check back here. It's my first time posting on this website and I was a little unsure in regards to whether I would be any good at dishing out advice, but after reading through all the posts, yours stood out to me since you weren't looking for the "conventional" answers that people normally give... I was hoping to give a little more, i.e. I wanted to share my faith. My answer was so long (as this one is going to be!) and I was really surprised when it went through and turned out to be so lengthy! I'm glad you persevered with it though :-)
You see, I was a lost cause, now I am not and that is proof enough, to me, that Jesus is real. Put your trust in Him and don't give up hope. He won't ever give up on you. Life is a struggle and for people who, for whatever reason, cannot see "the bigger picture", hope seems pointless - this is it afterall... this is as good as it's ever going to get. That is simply not the case. You are here for a reason and everyone is beautiful to God, we are all united in Him and it is a wonderful feeling, one that I hoped I could share with you.
I too, have the inclination to worry over things which, in reality, are not that big a deal and it took me a long, long time to truly cast all my cares on God in my prayers. You need to remember that he cares for you and that you ought to try not to be anxious about things.
"Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own" - Matthew 6:34
At first, I felt dumb telling God about my day, about what was worrying me - in fact, I thought I was asking a little too much but by taking a day at a time, I began to find peace within myself, I felt Christ in my heart telling me there's no need to worry, I am with you... it's a huge comfort when you're a worrying kinda person! And yes, it's okay to pray now and again when you are in need of comfort! In fact, it's a great thing to do! Strict routines won't last anyway – especially when you are new in your walk, just be sure you read, say, 10 minutes worth of scripture, a day... it will soon become enjoyable, you will gain strength from learning more about God and His plan for you. So long as you strive to build a relationship with Him, you are saved and it is Him who you turn to in times of need. Also, from how you describe yourself - it seems that you have many Christian qualities already, this - you can only build upon. You speak wise words for someone new to religion, we are all very much "still learning" and Jesus wants you to reach out to Him, as you have done, so really things from here can only get better for you and the future. Invite Him into your heart and let Him guide you... that's all you need to do.
The Lord loves you and as you grow in your faith and learn more, you'll be blessed in return. Get your hands on a Bible, I use the New International Version as it's easy to understand, but see what suits you best, grab a highlighter pen and go for it! There is SO much reassurance, SO many promises and SO much hope. Keeping a notebook to write inspirational verses down in, I find, is a good thing to do. Before you read, pray to the Father in Jesus’ name, ask that the Holy Spirit guide you and help you to grow in your understanding of His word. Don't worry if at first you feel out of your depth.
If you'll let me end with some reading suggestions... I found these verses and psalms so comforting when I felt very alone and desperate. I hope you find as much comfort in them as I did, I'll be praying for you.
1 Chronicles 16:11 Look to the LORD and his strength; seek his face always.
Psalm 3:1-4 O LORD, how many are my foes! How many rise up against me! Many are saying of me, "God will not deliver him." But you are a shield around me, O LORD; you bestow glory on me and lift up my head. To the LORD I cry aloud, and he answers me from his holy hill.
Psalm 4:1 Answer me when I call to you, O my righteous God. Give me relief from my distress; be merciful to me and hear my prayer.
Psalm 5:3 In the morning, O LORD, you hear my voice; in the morning I lay my requests before you and wait in expectation.
Psalm 23:1-4 The LORD is my shepherd, I shall not be in want. He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters, he restores my soul. He guides me in paths of righteousness for his name's sake. Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me.
Psalm 31:24 Be strong and take heart, all you who hope in the LORD.
Psalm 37:23-24 If the LORD delights in a man's way, he makes his steps firm; though he stumbles, he will not fall, for the LORD upholds him with his hand.
Psalm 46:1 God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble.
Psalm 63, 91 and 139 are very uplifting (a bit long for me to type out so check ‘em out!)
Psalms 118:8 It is better to take refuge in the LORD than to trust in man.
Psalm 143:8 Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love, for I have put my trust in you. Show me the way I should go, for you to lift up my soul.
Proverbs 3:5-6 Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.
Proverbs 22:1 A good name is more desirable than great riches; to be esteemed is better than silver or gold.
Ecclesiastes 7:3 Sorrow is better than laughter, because a sad face is good for the heart (took me a while to truly understand and appreciate this one...)
Isaiah 40:31 But those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.
Isaiah 41:9-13 I took you from the ends of the earth, from its farthest corners I called you. I said, 'You are my servant'; I have chosen you and have not rejected you. So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. All who rage against you will surely be ashamed and disgraced; those who oppose you will be as nothing and perish. Though you search for your enemies, you will not find them. Those who wage war against you will be as nothing at all. For I am the LORD, your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you.
Jeremiah 1:5 Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart.
Jeremiah 29: 11 "For I know the plans I have for you", declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future".
Matthew 7:7 Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks the door will be opened.
Matthew 11:28 Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.
John 3:16 For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son that whoever believes in him shall not perish, but have eternal life.
John 8:12 When Jesus spoke again to the people, he said, "I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will never walk in darkness, but will have the light of life".
Jesus comforts His Disciples in John 14:1 Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God; trust also in me. In my Father's house are many rooms; if it were not so, I would have told you. I am going there to prepare a place for you. And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am.
Acts 1:11 "Men of Galilee", they said, "why do you stand here looking into the sky? This same Jesus, who has been taken from you into heaven, will come back in the same way you have seen him go into heaven."
Romans 10:9 If you confess with your mouth, "Jesus is Lord" and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved.
2 Corinthians 8:9 For you know the grace of Lord Jesus Christ, that though he was rich, yet for your sakes he became poor, so that you through his poverty might become rich.
Philippians 4:13 I can do everything through him who gives me strength.
There are many, many more verses and psalms which take your breath away when they hit home. I really do hope that everything works out for you and that you are blessed with happiness, contentment and success and also, God willing, a partner with whom you can share all of this with. God is patient and you are on the right path to becoming the person you were destined to be.
This is a pretty nifty Christian forum that I, still, learn a lot from -
h t t p : / / f c n f o r u m s . c h r i s t i a n i t y . c o m /
Yours In Christ, Jodie
--- Tuesday, October 4, 2005 - Thank You Roses & Jodie !!!
Answer by: ek
I would like to say a big thank you to Roses & Jodie also, of which i would like to say a few words.
Jodie : I read your post & am very thankful that you came on here to reply to me, i don't know how you managed to stumble across my post & answer my Q's & advice, but i guess they say everything happens for a reason & I'm thankful that you came onto my thread, i needed it.
I had a look at that Christian website also & I'm impressed, i read all the pages around it aswell & i even said the little prayer, lately something happened to me (Just last night), of where i was betrayed & I've learnt my lesson from that, I've said a prayer & asked for forgiveness, i hope that from this all will be ok for me & nothing further a field can go wrong or add to any embarassment (IE it's totally buried in the past & I'm lucky/thankful in that (Out of my life & a new chapter)), because it really would kill me inside if so & have learnt, i do worry too much & it's probably nothing (thats my bad trait that i can over worry or worry things are worse when they really are... nothing), it wasnt anything i was doing bad or towards anyone or hurting anyone or anything like that, i was just betrayed by this person i thought was someone else/was portraying to be someone else that i trusted, then turned out they wasn't & used me for a laugh & against my preferance, i hope this person doesn't do this to anyone else because it hurts, they say what goes around comes around & although i wouldn't want the person hurt, i feel something should come back on that person & hopefully teach them that lesson in life, as it's cruel what they are doing & hurts people's feelings aswell, I imagine this person has done it to many people in the past already & continues to do so, it's not nice.
I have read the site thoroughly & maybe this was what was needed in my life to bring that to me, to happen & I'm glad i have, i can honestly say hand on heart though, that i do prey at times, to say thanks for things i have in life etc... but i don't read the bible or anything like that, i feel happy & comfortable in being able to prey now & again, when in need & have real comfort in that, is that fine and an ok thing to do, to feel & be happy that way? :)
I've always said i believe theirs something stronger out there, above us, but i don't feel that we on earth know fully what that is, just we have an idea or an interpretation, but i have faith & belief & do believe strongly that theirs someone out there that listens ot us, helps us out & guides us, i always try to be the best person to others & treat others well, aswell as being a good person, i never deny I'm a perfect person, far from it, but will never do others harm or hurt anyone intentionally.
I guess life is all about learning & I'm still young in that, so let me know what you think to the above.
Roses : Your advice has been really good & i appreciate that, i am taking a lot of the words you said into account & again I'm very thankful, you've come out with some good advice (as i mentioned in my previous post), i am extremely thankful for your kind words & support also & i hope that whatever happens in life, it brings you happiness & success.
The world would be a great place if we all gained that.
Thank you to you both in advance, i truly appreciate it.
EK
--- Sunday, October 2, 2005 -
Answer by: Jodie
Red_Roses gives some excellent advice!
I'd like to take a different perspective if you'll hear me out. Okay, when I mention being a Christian, many people switch off but gimme a chance here ek!
I am quite similar to you, in many ways, though I wouldn't describe myself as "good looking", more average(ish) :-( ... I'm confused on that one too!! No way could you call me vain but hey, I do have a personality which should always count for something.
I'm shy, mega shy and at 23, I've never been out with anyone... and I mean anyone, not even come close to that. You see people have screwed me over, they basically chewed me up and spat me out - those people were "friends and family". It's hard to believe, I know, but that's exactly what happened.
To summarise, I'm not able to trust, simple as that. I don't have any friends and I don't have a conventional social life with people my own age. I don't have siblings and I've had to bring my parents through some really tough times over these past few years with no outside help (basically, nobody wanted to know but that's a story I'm not able to tell anyone yet). Anyway, I had a lot of shit from people at school for being quiet and shy. They treated me like dirt and I let them... all the way up to when I was 18 when I finally left for Uni *hangs head in shame* It still hurts, I don't deny that.
I've not befriended anybody since and even though I am naturally introverted, I miss not letting anyone get to know me - it's just too painful to think about right now. Through supporting my parents and studying I began reading a New Testament which was handed to me at Uni from The Gideons. I can't remember why I started reading it; guess I had time on my hands in between chores. But suddenly I began to realise that God has a plan for me, just when I had given up hope on life, living it day by day, not expecting much, not getting much. I was lonely, like you, only in a different way. I had given up hope of getting a boyfriend at 16 and alas I still haven't had one but you know what? It's no big deal, really it isn't. It's not something I think of nowadays since I set aside dating for marriage. There is SO much more to life and until you explore why you're here on Earth, everything else leads to being unsatisfied and left searching for answers.
As a Christian, I feel blessed. I have a Saviour who, if I obey Him and love Him with all my heart, will bless me in return - He already has since I am here, I didn't allow people to make me do something stupid. I know I must be patient but the difference is, now I know I can handle being on my own. Whether I have truly been called to a single life, I cannot speculate but it's okay with me if I have because there is something more to life. I no longer feel the "shelf fright" that I feared before, people used to taunt me about nobody ever fancying me but it no longer concerns me, I no longer cry myself to sleep at night over it. I am content with me, with who I am and with what God made me to be. I was saved.
I hope you find peace in yourself, since I believe that when you do, your esteem will rise, just as mine has and you'll soar in the new person you've become. Give Christ a chance if you haven't before and if you already have embrace Him some more, pray more often and know, truly, that you are not alone in feeling the way you do. You're human and we all crave someone to be with us for keeps, just bare in mind that fulfilment comes in many forms and as a Christian, I have to put spirituality at the top of the list... then everything else falls into place.
That was my story. I felt compelled to reply because I saw similarities in how you describe the way you feel. I've been to the bottom and I couldn't imagine there being a light 5 years back. Fair enough, I'm still searching for my soul mate (if he exists, if he does I am praying for him) but as a person in my own right I can handle life on my own. I have trust issues I need to work with, I know but I reckon if I pray and ask the Lord to free me from these thoughts and feelings which prevent me from building relationships, one day, if it is His will, and when He sees fit, He will set me free to be with the man I've been waiting for. If not, I'll still die happy :-)
Put your trust in God, you sound like a truly awesome guy, guys like you are hard to find (esp, in the UK)... I should know! When you find the One, this'll all be worth it. If you find contentment in yourself first, you will have no problem in attracting a woman to complement you.
I'm praying for you, be strong and don't be afraid to search for something more...
Why not take a look at h t t p : / / w w w . b e c o m i n g a c h r i s t i a n . c o m /
--- Saturday, October 1, 2005 -
Answer by: Red_Roses
Keeping yourself looking attractive is a good thing indeed, and I can definitely relate to that. While I am also considered "vain", I love make-up, exercise, whitening toothpaste, fashion and -- due to my genetics, I have long blonde hair. :-) I understand what you mean by having confidence in knowing you're attractive -- so yes, looks are important, but keep in mind that you take care of yourself for YOU, and not the rest of the world (and DON'T neglect your inner beauty, because being a kind person can only enhance your physical beauty to mind-blowing beauty).
As I've said, you can further develop confidence in yourself by bettering yourself at things you're already good at. If you're not sure what this is, discover this by getting out there and finding it, such as taking a pottery class or joining a gym. Endorphins release when you work out, and make you feel good. Besides this, therapy is always an option. :-)
You'd be surprised at how beautiful some "average" people can be. Maybe if you'd give them a chance, you might discover that while talking to them, they have an amazing smile, beautiful eyes, an intelligent and sweet persona, etc. The average-looking person can have a nice and unspoiled personality, and a little red lipstick can turn her from plain to lovely. :-)
These are some things that you're going to have to figure out for yourself. But, to meet a nice girl -- get out there and meet them in the places they go to socialize; like the gym, the coffeeshop, etc. Do you go to college? You can meet girls in college classes, too. The possibilites are endless.
--- Saturday, October 1, 2005 - ek
Answer by: ek
Oh just to add, i think i do also not notice when a girl likes me, or maybe i do sometimes, though i think it could be wishful thinking or something or maybe i'm thinking wrong as if to go up to them and their like "no i don't think so", shy also maybe at times yes.
I think it's a combination of all what you said thinking about it :)
--- Saturday, October 1, 2005 - Maybe yeah
Answer by: ek
Yeah i think you may be right roses, in regards to self esteem, i am definately far from vain or arrogant (arrogance is one of my biggest hates) but in some ways i have that confidence in regards to how i look, thats not really a problem, though i would like to probably work out a bit more & get a slight bit more toned and gain a little bit mroe weight maybe (not musclebound though), but in regards to self esteem, i'm not sure if it's a guy thing or not but i do pride myself on looking good, simply because i feel better when i do (IE i suntan, i have nice hair & generally like to look after myself like that), but maybe that is deep down because of a confidence thing, even though i am comfortable with my looks in regards to my face, eyes etc.. i dont know, i am kinda confused.
Apart from taking up more hobbies, how else do you think i could constantly boost on my confidence in regards to talking to girls i am attracted to, so i can be condifdent enough to talk to them without having to have a beer LOL
Maybe i am a little too picky aswell, and thats not because i have high standards personally, but probably mroe so because i can't just date someone i dont feel that chemistry or attraction to because in the end I'd probably not want to be with them & in those cases people can get hurt, i dont want to do that as i've been hurt myself & it's really not nice at all.
Thank you for the response (& thanks to anyone else who takes time out to respond), i appreciate it.
I didnt think anyone would take time out to read that when i saw how long it looked after it was submitted.
Though i appreciate people's responses as it does help so thank you !!!
--- Saturday, October 1, 2005 -
Answer by: Red_Roses
I am wondering if you are:
--too picky? --too bashful, or shy? --not noticing when a girl you're attracted to is interested in YOU, and reacting on that?
It seems to me that you have low-self esteem, in fact, it's actually pretty obvious. I think that you should let yourself be more of a go-getter. While relationships sometimes "just happen out of nowhere", you have to put yourself in that social situation -- be it taking a class, at the gym, a coffee house, the bookstore, volunteer groups, etc. Open yourself up to talking with women -- smile, ask what their interests are, what they do for a living, be it work or school (or both!). Women generally love to talk about themselves. You just have to put yourself out there, have a laid-back, confident attitude (but not too confident, arrogance is not usually an attractive trait), and socialize. Be the man who, after having a few great conversations with, asks the woman to coffee or a glass of wine.
To better your self esteem, what are the things you know you're good at? Whether it's working out and athletics or painting a picture; do it often. Enjoy your interests, they make you feel better about yourself (and, they can make for great conversation -- if it's working out or athletics you love, talk about sports if she likes them too. If it's art, talk about art history).
You seem to be a nice guy, so I don't see you having any problem finding a girl. But things in life don't usually fall into your lap -- you have go get out there and be a go-getter.
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