I have been with my boyfriend 7 years. Recently we decided to move apart to have some space before we decide to get married. We are still together and we talk on the phone every night.
Since we have been apart its been easier to discuss touchy topics with him. I recently found out from him that i have a habit of making rules for him (cant hang with this girl, cant do that or this) and also the big clincher he's been openly admitting to me what he looks for in a girl.
I know most girls would say, "Oh this is great i am getting all the answers i dont have to guess" but i realize it honestly bothers me. I'm nothing like the girls he talks about that turn him on.
He says that doesnt matter no girl will ever be that perfect match he discribes and maybe thats the reason he loves me? Because i am what he least expects? But every time we get into the conversation about the girls with the tan and the flat stomachs and being confident i get really depressed and i almost want to break it off!
I have friends that have these great relationships with there HUSBANDS and they can joke around about other guys and other girls, "Oh honey you think that girl is cute?" "Ah not really" and they can laugh about it.
How can i stop being so defensive? I know hes just trying to tell the truth but how can i brush it off and say the norm like, "Yes he may say this about this girl but he loves me and he wants me and he thinks i am fine the way i am."
How come i freak out ALL THE TIME?
Responses to this article:
--- Thursday, October 20, 2005 -
Answer by: Red_Roses
There could be several things going on here: Either your lack of trust is destroying your relationship, he REALLY can't be trusted and is looking for someone else (his "perfect" woman), or you two are just drifting apart -- heading for break-up, and subconsciously you know this and are hanging on for dear life to keep this relationship going...
Either way, your relationship is in some serious trouble!
First I'll play devil's advocate; what makes you think that you can tell him who he can hang out with and who he can't? Don't get me wrong; a lot of women feel a little weird when their boyfriends hang out with other women. But, do they include you? Do these female friends embrace you as a friend? Does your boyfriend put you first and your feelings first (and that includes your comfort and boundaries) when it comes to these female friends?
The point is, is that it is a huge turnoff for you to control his friendships and life. When your boyfriend was sharing his "list", this was perhaps one thing he was hinting at -- your lack of self-confidence. This is something that YOU need to address on your own terms, and fix on your own, and not take out on your significant other.
Perhaps he, your boyfriend, is tired of feeling like he can't be trusted and wants out. Either way, he shouldn't compare you to his "ideal" woman -- that's hurtful, and would make any woman feel insignificant.
I could go on and on and analyze this guy, but what is all boils down to is this: You need to ask yourself if this really is a man you want to be with. Does he compare you to his "ideal" woman? Has he ever given you a reason to not trust him? Does he put your feelings and boundaries first when it comes to hanging out with his friends? DO YOU REALLY LOVE THIS GUY?
These issues in your relationship, along with the lack of trust, needs to be addressed, and fast. If any successful marriage or even relationship is in your future, you NEED to have trust first and foremost, along with respect, communiction, etc. This isn't just from you, but him, too. TALK to your boyfriend about your feelings. If anything, offer to try couples therapy. Any effort is effort not spent in vain.
If he simply isn't cooperating with you on working on your relationship, and has ideals about being with a certain kind of woman that isn't you -- then perhaps this guy really isn't the guy for you, and you're best off finding someone more compatible (and who clearly loves you for you, and doesn't make you second-guess).
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