Title: Lost All While Kept All

By: acepilot_shylover_jack

I don't know how many others have gone through this, but it feels like murder. You are made hollow and you wait for the feeling of being whole to come back, because it always does. But this time it doesn't. Eventually the hole is sealed, leaving a scar, and a hollowness within.
First, going back to last summer. I don't know if it's relevant, but it's a foreshadowing. It was my time for meeting people online. I hadn't really explored instant messaging all that much. YIM, that's about it. I was more concerned with books and music and my own life, what little there was. But then I downloaded new programs. AIM. I met this girl in California. We became somewhat involved, which is probably an understatement, though good enough considering I was in Whistler up in Canada and she was in California. Then I was introduced to another girl through a friend. Younger than me by a couple of years, but just as intelligent, which I think is a hard thing to find within the world I live currently. We did not become 'involved' as I had said earlier, but I gained much respect for her to this point. And through her, I met another girl who lives in Canada. Both of them live in Canada, I should mention, though not the same province. Nothing more of them shall I reveal.
So, the last friend I mentioned, I began having feelings for her. We became more trusting in each other. Nothing involved like the Cali-girl. But she came to rely and trust in me so much she revealed secrets that only some knew of, and those that knew were sworn to secrecy. Not like she is a spy, but stuff with enough effect to get me pretty much involved in helping her, urging her to go to others close to her for help, to do something.
Well, ending that flashback, we come to the eve of this new year. SURPRISE!!! She is engaged!
By all means I could have been happy for her. Someone who loves her (this is what I was told), someone to provide for her, someone to protect her. But when I was told, not by her either, I froze. I exited the conversation, put status on busy, and climbed out of the window on to the alcove under the roof. I wasn't thinking suicide really, though the thought did cross my mind of how much pain I'd have to endure and that feeling in your stomach when you fall, which I didn't want to experience just then. Well, I coped with it. She would not be married until she was eighteen, stuff happens, she might change her mind. But something in me...cut that tie. I was able to let go, feel bad, but that was it. It was as if a page in a book of friends had been ripped out. Now, something twice as shocking hit. She figured that since she was engaged to the guy, why not go ahead and sleep with him. Oh, her parents encouraged it. I realized about two or four hours later tonight after I had been told of this that I had become the end of the chain. Everyone but I was told. It was only my most trusted friend who could not keep certain things held to her breath who had told me. I see why. I have come to believe that they either thought or knew beneath that I had become fragile to news of her. I now wonder if they thought I would commit suicide. But that is not the matter. This girl who knew me and some of my thoughts, what I believed in, whom I had had feelings for and both of us knew it, had what I feel, given herself up. Lost herself. I thought I'd have a heart attack.
So, to the reason why I am ranting this on. I think I might be falling for the younger friend, who told me this. I thought this a couple weeks ago. I'd always viewed her something as my mother, or a big sister (despite her being younger), someone I could go to. We were like each other in many ways.
But now... So, I have come to wondering if I should tell her everything, wait and talk to the girl who I believe lost herself, or just go on with my master plan and become a miser of sorts, keeping myself secret in the dark and such (never works though, someone has to foul it up and become me friend).
There are only two people I would think about going to about all of this entirely, and the young girl is one of them. So, if you can help, please do.
Thanks
~KC
~flare_boy14@yahoo.com