Title: Cmnction Killing Marriage

By: lauraj

My husband and I have been married for almost 4 years. At first, we were so comfortable with one another in our communication and over the years, or it has progressively gotten worse. He says that I constantly argue with what he says, when all I think I am doing is asking questions. He also says that he can’t talk to me anymore. I listen to him talk about his work and I used to ask him questions when he would tell me about his day, but he would say I was interrupting. Now I sit and listen and don’t say anything or ask questions and he says “you just don’t even care". To that, I respond "I do care about your day and your work but I am not asking you questions because you say I am interrupting". At that point he stops talking or says “I never thought communication could be so bad with someone”. I am getting to the point where I don't know what to do anymore. I don’t feel listened to and he obviously doesn't feel listened to. He seems to want a relationship where someone will agree with everything he thinks and says and does not ask questions because that is seen as arguing. There are many people in his past that he argued with, particularly a past step-father, and he is starting to equate me with that person. He also gets upset that other people (mother, brother, friends) don’t ask him questions about his work and what he has been doing, they ask about me or talk about what they have been doing, etc. My husband is 36 and I am 31.

His major complaint is that I don't act like I am interested in what he has to say and he often says that maybe I would be better off with someone more at my intellectual level. I think that my husband is very intelligent and I don’t understand where this is coming from. I am a biologist and he does hard labor. We both went to college for natural resources; that is where we met. One difference between us is that I would like to keep improving my education and career and he is happy to keep working outdoors (I am FINE with this and always affirm that with him). We both have the same ideals about the environment, and I don’t understand why he says these things. Is it his self esteem? I tell him that I love him and that I am proud he is doing what he loved (outside working). He worries that other people think I am wasting my time with him (my coworkers, ex-supervisors, family when no one has ever said anything to this effect). I tell him not to worry about what other people think and to only concentrate on what I say to him and what he thinks.

All of these factors are really getting in the way of our relationship and we seem to be going backward instead of forward. I don’t know what to do. I have suggested counseling but that is too expensive to him. Right now the major problem is our communication and I fear we are at the point where if we don’t do something to improve it soon, it will just continue to get worse and eventually tear us farther apart.

Any advice on improving our communication is welcome. I also need a more effective way to listen as active listening and sitting and listening with no questions aren’t working.