Title: never told anyone IN

By: PDCKSS

well here it goes.I have fallen for this lady that was in a marriage with someone else that was mentally messing with her. he would not talk to her until he got what he wanted from her and would say derogatory remarks to her to make her feel bad so she would give in to him,to have sex with him, so just to make things go smoothly she would do the act with, even though she didn't want to, him cause they had a child together and she thought no one would want her with the child so she stuck it out.
i came into the picture and i fell for her the first time i saw her. i said to myself that she is the one for me and i am going to get her. so i showed her i was interested in her. i kept this up for 9 months till i gave her a kiss, and she told me before we kissed that i had to go over there and initiate the kiss cause she wasn't going to come to me. well i did and she mentioned that she saw fire works when we were kissing:) so being the gentleman that i am i showed her that i really liked her. it took another 8 months till we were able to make love. so it took me 17 months before i even made love to her.
we were in a relationship that we were the only two for each other. i told her about 6 months after we made love that i said to her "I think i am falling IN love with you" i never said that to anyone in my life. so it meant the world to me to be able to say that to her. i finally new she was the one for me one night i was out drinking and i messed around with another girl and after wards i regreted it and that is when i knew i was IN love with this lady of my dreams.
we went on vacations together to places where she wanted to go. it didn't matter to me as long as i was with her. to show her how much her happyness meant to me we did what ever she wanted. she is an animal person so she wanted to go see deer and the first night there we had to stay way up in the hills so no deer to see, which i told her i was very upset about it. she said that it is alright cause we can see them in the morning and all. just to show her how much her happiness meant to me and all that is why i said something.
so we would tell each other that we loved each other that we were in love with each other. so that was good. we would go for walks with each other holding hands telling each other things we wouldn't say to anyone else. we would of course kiss and make love also. i am the kind of guy who always goes so she would always get pleasure also, i wouldn't stop until the earth shaked for her. it was my mission to do that. not many guys put all that time in to make sure that happens but i do for her. cause i want it to be special all the time just to show her i am not like the rest of the guys out there.

so here comes the trouble, she doesn't want to have any more children. i don't have any and told her if she was to get pregnant than it was meant to be but if she didn't then i guess i wasn't to have a child of my own. i can live without that she made me happy when i was with her and i made her happy. my mom even liked her that is how special she was. to me and my mom. i held my mom on a pedastool and it made me happy if my mom liked my girlfriends.

so after six years,she finally gets a divorce from her mentally abusive husband,of having a relationship with the lady of my world/dreams she shows up and breaks up with me.she starts out that i am going to hate her. i was like no i am not, not knowing what is coming next. she was like i want you in my life but i need to let you go. i was like i didn't know what to say. she was like i know you would like to have a child of your own and i don't want anymore children and you do. i was like i don't need to have a child i told you before if you were to get pregnant then it was meant to be, she is on birth control.she was like you have put your life on hold for to long for me. we had an agreement that if i didn't want to wait for her to get a divorce that i would say so. so she was here and she told me not to walk out with her to her car but i did cause i was still in disbelief that she just broke up with me:( she said that if i was still single by the time she gets her independence and wants a relationship that she will get ahold of me:)

we work at the same place so everyday that i go in i see her car when i go into work when she is at work. so i see her at lunch time cause i want her in my life, she said she wants me in hers so there still is a chance for us i think. i have also asked her if there is still a chance for us and she says yeah.i can see it in her eyes that she is in love with me still but we don't spend time like we used to together and it is tearing my heart up. i have asked her if she thinks about me and she said that she does, cause i told her i think of her often also. so of course that put a smile on my face:)sad to say but she is still living with her ex and she is under alot of stress cause of it cause he says things to her that i say to her and she is getting pulled in both ways so i TRY and back up but still show her i am there if need a shoulder. she has a son graduating school so she is staying there to throw him a great graduation party. they couldn't do it if she would move out so she is staying until then which makes it hard on her cause she fell out of love with her ex and in love with me but doesn't want me to waste anymore time on her. not my choice hers. she gives me looks "flirty" that i am like oh yeah.
i have asked her friends that i talk to what am i suppose to do? i want her in my life she makes me happy and content. at times she is mean to me, i think to try and push me away, but i take it cause i want her in my life and i want to be happy with her for the rest of my life. they tell me to keep on doing what i am doing. so i still go see her at lunch time when she is working. when i don't see her that is when i get negative thoughts going through my mind cause i don't see her and i don't know what she is doing. i don't want to ask cause i don't want to push her away from me. and that is what i am afriad of. she says she knows how much i am in love with her, care for her, want her, need her. but she needs to move out and get her independence cause she says she has always had another person to help with bills, but now a days you have to to make it without killing yourself.

to show how controlling her ex is they drink alot of hard liquor and then goes to the store and gets sleeping pills and takes them. he left his music playing loud and some concerned citizen called 911 and they took him to the hospital. he is still alive but his whole family pretty much is blaming his ex wife for it. i tried to tell her that he made the choice to do that. she is afraid now that when she moves out he will try that again and she couldn't handle it if he would succeed the next time. he says he doesn't remember anything that day.
so finally i want this lady of my dreams in my life, i try and give her space that she needs to come back to me. it has been 5 months since any time spent with her and i am missing her terribly so that is why i go and see her at lunch when i can. i don't know what else to do to show her how much she means to me. i do what her friends tell me to do still do what i have been doing. i don't tell her that i love her or nothing just small talk with her. i want to tell her but she gets upset when i do so i don't say it cause when i do she says I KNOW. so if there is any answers about my book i just wrote i would really appreciate it. any suggestions on how to deal with something you want in your life and cann't have there is nothing you can do to get it back just wait for her.