I've been dating a divorced dad for about 11 months now and am experiencing the following dilemma. I've met this guy at work (he longer works w/us it was only on a contract basis) and we hit it off really well. At the time that I started seeing him, his divorce was getting finalized. He's been married 6 years and has a 4 year old son and now is divorced 15 months (has been separated prior to the divorce). He sees his son every other day (at his ex wife's house since his place is not stocked with toyes to entertain the 4 year old) and his son spends the night every other weekend. The thing is, when he spends time w/his son - I get excluded from his plans. I never seen him or even talk to him when he's w/his son. He feels that once he's w/his son he needs to give him 110% attention and I sort of feel as if I don't exist. You would that a guy would be excited to introduce his son and see how I would react towards him, etc. Isn't this how relationships grow in a way? I've been able to respect his time that he spends w/his son, but come on we're almost going for a year of dating and I'm still not considered important to introduce me to his son and do fun things together. Should I look at this as his way of telling me that he's unsure about me or is afraid for me to meet his son. Either way, I'm serious about this guy and I'd like to know if I'm really wasting my time. I'm 30 and he's 35, I have goals in my life to someday be married and have a family of my own. I'm confused if this is even worth continuing if I keep being in the sidelines of his life. What do you think? Shed some light on things that I'm not seeing. Thanks so much.
Responses to this article:
--- Thursday, June 14, 2007 - Don't rush things... he was married for 6 years
Answer by: starfox_04
Well I'm only 21, never been through this, but I will share what I think is happening here.
I helped raise my brother, and I know how children can become attached. I'm sure that your boyfriend is afraid of how his son will take all this. The little boy had to experience his parents being separated and divorced. He is only 4, so he probably doesn't understand much of what is going on. He is probably confused if not hurt as to why mommy and daddy aren't in the same house with him anymore.
So your boyfriend is probably looking out for the emotional well being of the child. Maybe you are a little ahead of your boyfriend in where you think your relationship is going. What I mean is he has been married already... and it wasn't so long ago the divorce was finalized. He probably wants to take his time, not rush into anything... especially considering he has a son to look out for. 11 months of dating isn't that long, most of my friends who are getting married have dated for 5 years... and like I said, this man just got out of a very serious relationship he probably thought he would be in forever. 11 months is too short a time to be thinking about a permanent relationship, considering the circumstances of the divorce and child.
He is probably afriad to introduce his son to you. Children sometimes get attached quickly, especially one that is lacking a 2 parent home. What if his son got very attached to you, but things didn't work out? He would feel stuck to you, if you know what I mean. He would want to end the relationship (hypothetically speaking), but not hurt his child any more than he already has.
That is my thought on why he hasn't done it yet.
My advice on what to do? Don't freak out on him and make a big dramatic scene about how he isn't serious enough about you. Maybe in polite conversation, tell him you would like to meet the boy because you know how important his son is to him, and you would like to share in the important moment as well. You and your boyfriend could take the little boy out somewhere, a zoo or a playground or something so the ex wife wouldnt' have to be breathing down your neck.
If he thinks that's a great idea, great. If he says no, I wouldn't terminate the relationship yet. He was married 6 years. He's probably in no hurry to rush things. If he is worth waiting for, I'd stick around a little longer to see where things might go. If you are impatient and don't think he is worth the wait, go your separate ways.
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