I've been going out with my boyfriend for almost six months now and we have a unique and beautiful relationship. The thing is, i've had a pretty dark past. I used to be the good girl in my family who suffered under constant emotional and sexual abuse. Then i grew up and got tangled up in bad relations. I moved around on my own a lot and came to many life-threatening situations....drunken bouts, abusive boyfriends, and a short period of prostitution out of the dire need to keep from living on the street.... My boyfriend on the other hand has a wonderful, loving "christian" family and friends and he's been.....well.....smarter.
My problem is that i can't get away from my past. It haunts me constantly, i have fitful dreams, and i can't stop crying at times. Whenever we get seriously drunk together, it's like i forget who i'm with and i freak out. He knows about my past and he's not proud of it, and he makes me wonder how long he'll really stick with me even though i know he must really like being with me if he's still with me after all this time, seeing as the very first day we hung out i told him EVERYTHING! thinking that he wouldn't stick around. And at that time i wasn't into him.
I don't know what happened, but one day i fell for him and i felt like i had already messed up. I know i do deserve him after the many men who made me think they were right when truly they were all wrong. But then the reality of my past comes up and i feel like a tramp. I would never do it again, but because of such history, my boyfriend doesn't know how to forgive me. If he can't forgive me, who will? Am i unforgiveable? Am I really ready for this relationship? I think he's really helped in my healing process, but i think i'm just making him mental along the way!
Responses to this article:
--- Thursday, August 30, 2007 - my advice... very long, sorry
Answer by: starfox_04
You sound like a smart person despite the bad choices you made in your past. And you sound kind of cool. I'm sure that is what attracted your boyfriend to you. I'm going to tell you my story first, then give a few different ideas you could try out.
I had a rough patch in high school. I was always, ALWAYS the goody goody little girl that did her homework and was in sports and got straight A's. Then I hit a bout of depression, turned goth, started hurting myself, was getting into fights at school and with my parents, tried to run away, all that sort of stuff. Luckily I got proffesional help, I saw a shrink and was put on medication. That was almost 4 years ago now. I still have visible scars on my arm where I cut myself. Its very obvious what they are and very hard to come up with lies of what they could be. It never bothered me much though, I wore sweatshirts to cover them up. Then I met a guy, who I wanted to impress with some more revealing clothing than baggy sweatshirts, and I had to tell him about my past since I couldn't start out a relationship with a lie about something I had no lie for.
We have been dating for about a year and a half now. I told him upfront about the scars and the shrink and the meds. He was ok with the meds, and he was ok with the scars, but for whatever reason he thinks that only REALLY crazy people see shrinks (not true). To this day the only time I have brought up the shrink is the first time I told him. I tried to talk about it one other time and he started looking nervous and uncomfortable with the conversation so I dropped it.
The reason I tell you this long and kinda boring story is that maybe you should not bring up your past with him. Its not lying, you told him the basic details already, he knows what he needs to know, so maybe thats enough for him. DO NOT tell his family if they don't know already. Again I don't think that is lying, they just don't need to know much else except "I am not on speaking terms with my parents, I had a rough childhood and I don't really like to talk about it." But don't be rude about it.
As for you yourself not being able to get rid of your past... like my scars, the past stays with us. We can't get away from it, it will always be there. But instead of looking to the past you need to shift gears and worry more about your future with this guy... and your future in general. Life gets a lot easier when you do this, even though its hard to do. You are stuck going backwards in a world that is moving forwards around you, and you will get into big trouble if you don't start moving forward too. Don't forget your past, its made you who you are... but accept the things that happened, the things you did, because there isn't a hell of a lot you can do about it now. Its not like you can go back and change it, so if you can't fix it, don't worry about it... start looking for the things you can fix NOW. Like your relationship.
First of all I might suggest therapy. Yes a shrink. Maybe meds. Talk to your doctor. It helps to have someone to talk to about this, and maybe this person shouldn't be your boyfriend (for his mental sake.) A lot of people need help at various points in their lives, and the smart thing to do is to get help when you need it instead of letting your life float by you and being miserable forever. You might think you don't need one, but you have a dark history (you may have already seen one for some things, but even if you have I want you to go back again). You aren't sleeping well, you are obviously very troubled by it, you cry about it a lot, etc.
Second thing: Lay off the heavy drinking. Drink until you are buzzed maybe, but no more of this seriously drunk stuff. If you start freaking out when you are seriously drunk, the best solution... don't get seriously drunk. You can still have a great time at a party or whatever being happily tipsy.
Third: Of COURSE your boyfriend isn't proud of your past. YOU aren't proud of your past. But it happened and neither of you can change it. So move on.
Fourth: You say tyhat he doesn't know how to forgive you for your past. Did he say that or do you assume that? If you just assume that, maybe you need to sit down and have a talk with him and tell him how you feel, he may not feel that way at all. If he has told you that... I will get to that after point five...
Fifth: If he can't forgive you, who will? YOU will. You need to forgive yourself. You can still regret your choices, as you and I know they were bad choices, but you have to forgive yourself. No one in your life will forgive you until you can forgive yourself, and no one can really love you until you love yourself. And for the record, the way you write tells me you aren't really some low life druggy whore, you seem very smart and like the kind of person who can move on in life and be something big. I think you are very ungorgivable, just had a bad childhood with no stable figure to give you guidance and direction when you needed it most.
Sixth: If your boyfriend has told you he doesn't know how to forgive you... oh boy. Then why is he still with you... Anyways, how I would deal with this is after you have really forgiven yourself, tell him. Tell him you love him and whatnot and he has really helped you heal from your past and you are finally able to forgive yourself, and you would appreciate it if he could forgive you for everything that happened before you met him, since nothing can change what has already happened. If he says yes, awesome, if he says no...
Seventh: If he says no then you have to make a decision if you want to be in a relationship where you will feel guilty for the rest of your life. I can't imagine anyone being able to stay in that relationship, but its up to you. After all, these things happened before you met him, and they are in the past and can't be changed, what else does he want you to say? You are obviously sorry, and thats all you can do is be sorry, if he can't understand that then he doesn't deserve you.
I think you are ready for this relationship if he can be man enough to forgive you. You won't drive him mental if you stop talking about it and take your past issues to a therapist instead of dumping them on him. Other than that I think you should worry more about his christian parents and friends than your past. Dealing with some christians can be rather tricky.
Hope I helped at least a little, and sorry its so long, I am very long winded I guess.
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