In the past I was hurt quite badly by a guy who was abusive and controlling, I was trapped in the situation and eventually he cheated on me with a girl who was, throughout our relationship, a close friend of his. This gave me the push I needed to leave him but also hurt a lot, it was a long term relationship and we were living together so it felt drastic.
After that I only dated guys who I 'didn't really like that much', this helped me to know I was in control, know I wouldn't get hurt, it meant I wasn't paranoid or protective and still had my freedom - but I wasn't happy.
Now I've been going out with this guy now for nearly two months (not long I know...) but he really is a fantastic guy, and I've totally fallen him. This is the first time in a long time that I've felt ready to open myself up to a 'real' two-sided relationship. The problem is now...I'm paranoid.
Most of his friends are female, and lots of them are quite close to him (I *know* some of them have feelings for him). I trust him totally, and in my mind I know he would never do anything. But its so hard for me to actually understand this trust and to believe it. Especially when they're all over him. It hurts so much, it stops me from trying to make friends with his friends and its making me protective over him (I don't want to suffocate him!). I've tried talking to him about it, but it doesn't help because there's nothing he can do - to be honest I think he's sick of it. I can't ask him not to see them, and I don't want to! But every time he does see them it hurts me.
It sounds awful but I just wish they didn't exist! I don't know what to do about it, but I'm trying so hard to tell myself not to worry, it just isn't working. I really want this relationship to work...
Responses to this article:
--- Friday, May 13, 2005 - hey...
Answer by: white_rose_dion
Hey, I understand, I mean I may be much younger than you, but I have had a similar situation, with an abusive boyfriend that cheated on me. (Then he when out with my ex-best friend, but that has nothing to do with this, lol) Anyways, I know it's hard to feel like you're in control yet without being controlling. It's a good thing you've talked to him about it, but have you told him the whole story? Everything about your ex? First I think you should try to open up as much as you can to him (if it freaks him out then he's not the right guy for you anyways, if he can't sit and listen without getting up for a glass of water [sign of being uncomfortable] then he doesn't understand).
Next (if you don't want to try the first it's fine.) do you have girl-best friend that's there for you? Talk to her, you need to getting as much 'point of views' as you can to really see if you are "smothering" him, or if you're just being defensive. Knowing how you truly feel is the first key to a healthy relationship.
Find out (without him knowing, because it may scare him, or with him knowing but be VERY calm) try to get to know the girls a little more... He'll be confused (hopefully in a good way) if you are interested in his life other than what he does with you. Try to be on his side (i know it's hard because of what happened with your ex) as much as you can, then try to let him see what you see if those girls haven't changed as much in your point of view.
Some guys can be really stubborn, and you just have to work with them, but usually that isn't healthy for the emotions. Well I think I’ve emptied my advice gut for today. LOL, I’m sorry everyone if I over did it a little, and I really hope some of this helps you minx. Love from a friend,
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