Title: falling hard for her, puzzled about some things

By: Andy

im in hi school, a senior, and i have strong feelings for my friend ivannia. at first it was just a crush, and i told her, so she knew it was only a crush. well she told me tht she liked this other guy, but i didnt make a big deal out of it cuz it was just a little crush. well, her and i are practically best friends, and we talk very often. well on halloween, we were with a group of frineds, and we began holding hands secretly. i didnt think anything of it, but the next day she told me tht she wouldnt have held my hand if she didnt think there was anything there. by this time, my feelings have devloped from a crush into somethin much stronger. so now tht i knew tht there was in fact somehting between us, it felt great for me. but i asked her about the guy she liked, jose, and she said she likes him, but he shows no interest. but ivannia was afriad to get into somethin with me bcuz of wat her friends would think, being tht she hasnt said a word to them about me, as if i was hidden. well time continued to ppass, and then we went to homecomming as a friends, well just a whole group of people, we had a great time, and then at one point on our way to the after party, we ran into jose, and she said hi to him and wat not. well, then next day she told me to read her livejournal, cuz she had written an entry, so i read it, and i became very disappointed. she said tht although she has somehting for me, she is still attached to jose, and she knows it would be best for us to stay friends, cuz she is still stuck on him...

well this is the actual text-
Ok so here's the deal I think I'm still hooked on the first guy.(Jose) There's another guy(me) right now but he's such a good friend and I love him so much that I know we're better off just staying friends. It may not make sense at this very moment but the thing is that I know myself and eventhough I may never have a chance with the guy I really like I'm still hooked on him. I dunno I mean I'm single and like lately I been liking it alot. I think I have problems with commitment. I mean I've never had a commitment but like this year was the closests I was to one and well it didnt feel right. I mean not bcuz of the person, the person was super nice, just bcuz there's another and that wouldnt b fair to this one person.

well i IMed her and i told her tht my feelings had gotten stronger for her, and she said she thought hers would too, but tht she still liked jose a llot, and tht it would be selfish of her and unfair for me if she got with me and told me she had strong feelings for me wen she still thinks about jose. but every now and then she would say to me tht it doenst mean tht anything between us is impossble, and stuff like ‘who knows, maybe in time ill forget about jose’ and she reminded me tht it wasnt as if nothing wasnt there, because there is something there betweeen us.... well i told her i understood, and things have been good so far

but now my mind is plagued with too many pessimistic thoughts... first of all, im worried tht wat if watver flame she has for me, just fades away... i mean, i dont know how much she feels for me, one night as we were talkin, she said tht people kept makin a big deal about it, wen really it was “just a little thing”, as she had put it...she told me this during the week prior to homecoming wen she disappointed me tellin me about jose. this gives me a bad feeling tht these feelings she has might fade... as well as be eclippsed by the ones she has for jose

she told me about this other guy who she was hooked on for lke 2 years... which bothers me cuz idk how long she can be stuck on jose.. she thinks hes an awsome guy, except one of her friends told him how ivannia felt about him, and he hasnt shown much interest in her, which lets ivannia down, but she goes on to continue liking him...
another thing im worried about is whether or not her feelings are genuine for me... she has never had a bf, and she gets depressd sometimes cuz she feels she’ll never be able
share her feelings with someone... like, i kno she has had some kids tht liked her, and she knows, but she never liked them bak bcuz of the way they were, stalkerish and such...
but i think to myself.... lets say that there was no jose, and she had no feelings for anyone, and lets say if i adnt told her tht i had a crush on her... i wonder if she could have ever liked me... like sometimes i think if since i told her how i felt, if she only felt something back just cuz she knew i likd her, and not cuz she actuallly really did, or i wonder if im like the fallback from jose, but then she just went back to him... i dont get it.... i mean... ugh.. according to her, at least there is still something there....

i dont have to wrry about not seeing eachother again after we graduate cuz were gona stay living here... so idk.. im falling for her hard

another thing tht puzzles me is that before jose, there was another guy, juan, who she liked, but it didnt last for long, and i think he liked her too, but then she just began to like jose.. so idk how long it could take her to forget jose, or how quickly she could just decide to have me as only a friend for good..

i hope i made sense,... i kno all my thought s are really jumbled here and im driving myself insane, im fallin really hard for this girl, and this has only happened to me once bfore, and was hurt dramatlically by it.. i just want someone elses opinion on this please

thnk u

andrew